(no subject)
I realize that my last post seemed completely immature and pathetic. I never meant to put blame on anyone but myself, and I certainly never meant to act as though an apology was enough. What I had hoped to convey was that I was not going to attempt to give anyone excuses or meaningless apologies. The phrase "I'm sorry" gets thrown around so loosely that it no longer holds meaning for anyone. It's a nice gesture, but that's as far as it goes. No, what people really deserve and need when they are wronged is (as the anonymous person so astutely pointed out on my last post) action. If I have driven any of my friends away from me completely, I have nothing to complain and bitch about. I take full responsibility for my actions, and I must live with the hurt of losing people whom I care about. But I do not intend to dwell in self-pity and self-persecution for alienating those people. Instead I intend to do something about it. I have been bed-ridden with sickness for the past 3 days and I have had plenty of time to sit by myself and think. I have finally been able to make some troubling realizations about myself. Even though it hurts to admit it, I am not as strong a person as I once thought I was. I have a lot of repair work to do on Josh, and I cannot in good conscience begin to make repairs with the people I hurt until I have sorted through my own shit. I am working right now towards fixing some of my own problems so that I might make myself stronger in my convictions and morals, healthier physically and emotionally, and less reliant on outside stimuli. I hope that I may very soon bring myself to a point where I will again be able to love completely and unselfishly, and thereby show everyone that I can be the kind of friend that I once was, whole-heartedly want to be again, and know in my heart I have the abiliy to be. I now have the conviction, motivation, and burning desire necessary to do what I need to do.