it may be just because i am kinda tired, but...
i just finished watching Dateline on NBC and i cried many many times. It was about this kid, Johnathon Swain who recieved a blood transfusion as a baby and contracted AIDS. He was diagnosed and told he would live until the age of three if he was lucky. This was in the 80's when nothing was known of the disease. He is still alive, in his mid twenties, married and has a healthy, disease free family.
Now i cried several times during this show because it made me realize just how lucky I am in my life. I may argue with my parents about trivial things. All of them are about material items, all of which have no true value in life. Cameras, phones, cars, etc. In the end, that's not what is going to cross my mind. John's mother stuck by him through thick and thin and one day gave into drugs. She abandoned him to cocaine.
John's brother also moved out of the house because he couldn't handle the environment anymore. He was the one person John had left to count on. He was left alone. Dying. He stopped taking his medicine that helped to keep him going. Wanted to die. For some reason, he didn't die. He couldn't. He was a miracle. And that's another thing, I have started to realize, that when i feel alone, i shouldn't. I prayed the other night. I was alone and upset. I have never been a deeply religious person, but i do believe there is comething bigger out there. Something that helps people get through the hard times.
Later on in life he got back with his brother and they began working side by side as cooks. John found a girl there, or rather....the girl found him.
This is really when i started to cry. She loved him even though she knew he had a disease. She knew that she could possibly get it. She was asked " How can you be physical with him even though you know he has AIDS and you could catch it and die?" She answered, " Well, to be honest, you could die any moment. I could die crossing the street and be hit by a bus, but that doesn't keep me from crossing the road. Embrae every second of life. and I love him, more than anything".
You have to embrace every moment. I am tired of wasting my time on worthless people, worthless things. There is no need to fight. Sure I may be a bit accident prone and not the most street smart person in the world, but i do have a lot of love. And when all this arguing happens, all this hurt.....it makes me doubt that love.
I told Steph that i am done with that boy. I won't be someone's toy. I want someone to be there for me and i will be there for them. I want someone with good intentions. Someone who knows what they want. I hate the way my heart is heavy all the time. It feels like it could drop out of my chest at anytime. That feeling flirty, fun crushes can be uplifting, but after some time......they tend to drag you downward. Once that downward spin starts to occur, it's time to let go.
And when it comes to fighting with the parents, i'm sure that will never stop. That's just how we are. But that show tonight made me realize once again how lucky i am. How everything has been given to me. It's not like i didn't know this before, because i did- when i was in the drunk tank in boone county jail (this stripper told me about how her meth addicted mom walked away from her). I love my parents. I may be somewhat restricted, but it's for my own good.
I have started to realize i need to take initiative for myself. I don't need to go about drinking and smoking all the time. Now don't freak out......tina will bring the party when she gets back to school, but i feel that some people make that their goal. That's what they live for. I live for the people in my life, and alcohol is just a plus. lol.
I am ready for someone to love me for who i am. To make me better. I want to be better and i want to help someone else grow with me. I want someone to take me dancing. I want to wear my cowboy boots and stomp around on the dance floor. I want him to buy me a drink without asking. I want an unexpected kiss. And more than anything, I just want someone to tell me to stop thinking so much and just be.
Now i cried several times during this show because it made me realize just how lucky I am in my life. I may argue with my parents about trivial things. All of them are about material items, all of which have no true value in life. Cameras, phones, cars, etc. In the end, that's not what is going to cross my mind. John's mother stuck by him through thick and thin and one day gave into drugs. She abandoned him to cocaine.
John's brother also moved out of the house because he couldn't handle the environment anymore. He was the one person John had left to count on. He was left alone. Dying. He stopped taking his medicine that helped to keep him going. Wanted to die. For some reason, he didn't die. He couldn't. He was a miracle. And that's another thing, I have started to realize, that when i feel alone, i shouldn't. I prayed the other night. I was alone and upset. I have never been a deeply religious person, but i do believe there is comething bigger out there. Something that helps people get through the hard times.
Later on in life he got back with his brother and they began working side by side as cooks. John found a girl there, or rather....the girl found him.
This is really when i started to cry. She loved him even though she knew he had a disease. She knew that she could possibly get it. She was asked " How can you be physical with him even though you know he has AIDS and you could catch it and die?" She answered, " Well, to be honest, you could die any moment. I could die crossing the street and be hit by a bus, but that doesn't keep me from crossing the road. Embrae every second of life. and I love him, more than anything".
You have to embrace every moment. I am tired of wasting my time on worthless people, worthless things. There is no need to fight. Sure I may be a bit accident prone and not the most street smart person in the world, but i do have a lot of love. And when all this arguing happens, all this hurt.....it makes me doubt that love.
I told Steph that i am done with that boy. I won't be someone's toy. I want someone to be there for me and i will be there for them. I want someone with good intentions. Someone who knows what they want. I hate the way my heart is heavy all the time. It feels like it could drop out of my chest at anytime. That feeling flirty, fun crushes can be uplifting, but after some time......they tend to drag you downward. Once that downward spin starts to occur, it's time to let go.
And when it comes to fighting with the parents, i'm sure that will never stop. That's just how we are. But that show tonight made me realize once again how lucky i am. How everything has been given to me. It's not like i didn't know this before, because i did- when i was in the drunk tank in boone county jail (this stripper told me about how her meth addicted mom walked away from her). I love my parents. I may be somewhat restricted, but it's for my own good.
I have started to realize i need to take initiative for myself. I don't need to go about drinking and smoking all the time. Now don't freak out......tina will bring the party when she gets back to school, but i feel that some people make that their goal. That's what they live for. I live for the people in my life, and alcohol is just a plus. lol.
I am ready for someone to love me for who i am. To make me better. I want to be better and i want to help someone else grow with me. I want someone to take me dancing. I want to wear my cowboy boots and stomp around on the dance floor. I want him to buy me a drink without asking. I want an unexpected kiss. And more than anything, I just want someone to tell me to stop thinking so much and just be.