Mr. Self-Destruct
baekhyun-centric | angst | 445 words
experimental monologue practice.
title from here
Dear Baekhyun,
Hey. Uhm, I hope you're feeling better... I guess you probably aren't, huh? Well, I still hope you are, anyway.
Look, I'm really sorry, alright? I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen... this whole mess of ours. I know that. It's just...
I really tried to love you. I really, honestly did. I wanted to love you. I wanted to love you so, so much. But you make it so hard. I tried to look at you the way everyone else says they do, the way they insist you are - with a smile that can light up the night, and a voice like a tuned cello, and with fingers as gentle as ever. But I just... I just couldn't see it that way, see you that way. Your smile never reached your eyes, your voice was always so uncertain - so empty, and your fingers, well, they always sort of reminded me of claws.
I know you hate your hands, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up.
You didn't make it easy, Baekhyun. You didn't make anything easy.
I mean, it worked for a while. I think I actually did fall in love with you for a bit there, that is. It was nice... you were nice. And I don't mean like how you treated me or anything like that, we both know you're an ass, but just... loving you, loving you was nice. And I wasn't lying when I said I loved you, either, really I wasn't. I think it's just that I only loved you for a moment - maybe even just a split second.
You're hard to love, but I did it.
I only wish I could have loved you for longer.
Look, I know you're cracking. I'm not helping. I don't know how to help. If I could fix you, I would, you know I would. Even if I don't... even if I can't love you, you're all I've got. I'd save you if I knew what to do. I wish I could duct tape you all up, stick all your loose pieces back together again. Maybe with something a little stronger than duct tape, though.
You're falling apart, and half of me wants to keep you together, but the other half... the other half knew this would happen. Part of me thinks you were always sort of meant to fall apart. Inevitable. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
I wish I loved you.
Sincerely,
Baekhyun.
P.S - when you jump, maybe the ground will force all your loose pieces back together, after all.
Yeah, I don't think so either.