Ponderings....
I saw some interesting things at the grocery store tonight.
I saw a woman who was vain enough to dye her hair platinum blonde, and to wear make up, but not vain enough to wax or bleach her cookie duster or wear her teeth.
I saw two happy go lucky young lesbians with their groceries, all bundled up and walking together.
I remembered what it was like to be visibly gay.
I remembered what it was like to be a butch lesbian, then a tgbutch. I remembered how proud I was when people thought I was a young man instead of a middle aged woman.
Now I am seen as a middle aged man, and as such, am invisible.
I miss my gayness sometimes. I miss my outness. I miss being a visible member of an alternate lifestyle.
That's the only thing I miss of my female persona. I miss who I used to be, but not the body I was in.
Does that make any sense?
On the inside, I still see through the same eyes I always have, and sometimes I forget that I look different than I used to, that my body is not perceived as being a woman's anymore.
I miss my gay community. I miss going to gay dances and enjoying being gay. The last time I went to one, my partner and I were looked upon as a straight couple out looking for a playmate to take home. We were avoided like the plague.
And so, here I am, a short middle aged man with a 6'1" wife, who still gets ID'd as gay when I'm not around.
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own world.