my oven full of sunshine (pt2)

[pikasu]

(back to part 1.)

-

Jaejoong crashes into Yunho's flower shop a little after Changmin's confession, arms flailing with utter helplessness and eyes red from crying.

"Oh Yunho-yah," Jaejoong sobbed furiously, burying himself into Yunho's chest. "Yunho, oh Yunho, he, he-"

"What's wrong?" Yunho whispers softly, though he already had a certain inkling that it was probably due to a certain weatherman.

"He confessed Yunho," Jaejoong sobbed helplessly. "And oh I wanted to say yes, I really did Yunho-yah, but I couldn't. I just couldn't."

"Because of that again?" Yunho purses his lips grimly, heart clenching at Jaejoong's tear-stained face.

"I don't know," Jaejoong bites his lips, voice shaking in pain. He releases himself from the creases of Yunho's shirt and stares sadly at the bundles of roses, inexplicably reminding him of Changmin again.

"You've got to know what you want, Jae," Yunho says in a barely audible whisper, heart clenching in pain for his best friend's misery. It wasn't as if Yunho hadn't been faced with the same situation before, where Jaejoong comes flying into his shop stained with tears.

He feels that this might be an inexorably special case though - he had never seen Jaejoong's body shaking at such a degree, nor has he seen him softly chanting the man's name in all his past rejections.

Certainly, there's a part of him that secretly thinks that Jaejoong had brought it upon himself, leading people on with his too friendly touches and too innocent grins. He thinks that it isn't really his fault this time though - no one can really help falling in love.

So Yunho gives him a lily as always, except this time he closes shop early and holds Jaejoong tight in his arms and cradles him until he cries himself to sleep.

Yunho makes it a point to visit Changmin later. There's just certain times where people had to intervene to make things work.

And Yunho is determined not to let this crumble, not to let Jaejoong file Changmin away in his memories as a could have been or a what if. Yunho could tell that this was too special, Changmin was too special, too precious to let them break any further.

-

Changmin decides to ditch work for the first time in his entire working life, tucking himself in between blankets and hiding himself in a corner, away from the rest of the world.

He knows he has to try and quickly fall back into his no-Jaejoong routine - he can't wallow in sorrow forever, he's Shim Changmin goddammit. Nobody said it was going to be easy though, so Changmin gives himself a few more days.

He reports to work the day after, only to be met with concerned squeaks from Junsu and a small cup of coffee (just the way he likes it) from Yoochun. He forces an appreciative smile, though it looked more like a grimace instead. Efforts rendering futile, Changmin sighs and goes to request for a few weeks off, just for the heck of it.

His boss refuses, as expected. But Changmin isn't the type to be beaten that easily. He goes to the recording studio during prime time news and tells the whole of Seoul about his temporary hiatus, then proceeds to boldly predict heavy showers for the whole of next month.

Thank god the general population of Seoul likes him enough.

Changmin allows himself a small satisfied smile at his flabbergasted boss and takes off in the middle of a downpour, down to the quaint little café to take his mind off his sorrows, only to realize he's met Jaejoong there before too.

He shakes his head and sharply turns away from the said café, determined to find a place where Jaejoong couldn't haunt him any longer.

He decides to return home in the end. Everywhere else seemed to remind him of Jaejoong too much.

-

Jaejoong doesn't really fare any better than Changmin either. He calls in sick the next day and stays at home eating tub after tub of ice-cream while watching cheesy soap operas that only made him long for Changmin's warmth.

He thinks he's letting up quite well though, though he finds that too often he berates himself for rejecting Changmin like that. It's like what he said - it's not that he doesn't want to say yes, it's just that he probably couldn't bring himself to.

He's seen what love can do to a person, seen how a person could crumble apart and fall into pieces at the slightest hint of a rejection, seen what heartbreak could do to a person - how a person could spend his savings on alcohol and cigarettes just to forget the pain. He's seen the blood-stained razorblades and the overflowing sleeping pills during aftermath of a rocky relationship. In fact, he's seen it all.

He was that person, that's why, and he knows he doesn't want to be him ever again.

So he shies away from the slightest motion of love, keeping friends (except for Yunho. Yunho's a little special.) close, but never too close, and keeping strangers even further. He thinks he might have crossed the line a little with Changmin though, with the spilling of his little secrets and life stories.

Okay, maybe he crossed the line a little too much with Changmin, but Changmin's special too - he thinks. He's like a superlative of firsts to Jaejoong, the first person to take his breath away, the first person he would unconditionally cook for, the first person he thinks he's ever really really dared to consider that he's fallen in love with.

So Jaejoong can't really help it but try to stop his tears from flowing and hope the feelings would just stop and stop rampaging him so fucking deeply and just continues to scream at it to go away.

He sighs a little, pausing to listen to the dreary echo of his sigh reverberating in his otherwise too large house. Hidden under his blanket, he fumbles in search for the remote, growing tired of the repetitive romance plots and switches to a random channel.

His eyes widen in shock when he sees Changmin on his TV screen, all wide eyed with his signature cynical smile. Jaejoong's heart doesn't beat faster than it should have though. Maybe, he thinks, maybe he was expecting it.

We're bounded by fate after all, he thinks wryly, letting out a choked cry. It's funny how the only time he sees Changmiin on TV was when he couldn't see him anymore in reality.

Jaejoong thinks he's discovered a new side to himself after Changmin - he's probably a masochist. After all, he attempts to steady the remote with his shaking hands in front of the VCR, and pushes the record button when Changmin begins to talk about torrential rain pours in Seoul for the next couple of weeks with a wry smile on his face.

Yes, he really must be a masochist, he thinks.

He watches Changmin talk idly about the weather six times more, before pressing the rewind button and watching it all over again, tears flowing down a little harder with every replay.

-

Yunho comes to find Changmin a few days after the so-called 'break up', though he tries not to think of it as a 'break up' when they haven't officially gotten together yet. He tries not to just envelop Changmin in a hug and tuck him away from everything nasty when he sees the fuzzy mop of hair peeking out from the wrapped blankets.

"What do you want," Changmin says bitterly, glaring eyes peeking out from the corners of the orange blanket. "Here to act like an all caring friend, or here to poke fun at my stupidity?"

"Jaejoong's like that, you see," Yunho abruptly says, ignoring Changmin's slight wince at the mention of Jaejoong's name. "He wears his heart on his sleeve and just gives it away without realizing what he's doing."

"How is that supposed to make me feel better?" Changmin spits out angrily, mind clouded with nothing but agony and sorrow that he just wants Yunho to scram so the pain could go away.

"Jaejoong isn't the best lover you can find," Yunho continues. "He's scared to love and afraid of the consequences and never really considers the other party's feelings. He's frightened, really frightened. Though deep down, I know he wants to love you." He pauses a little to catch his breath, and to confirm that Changmin's huge orbs were focused on him.

"I haven't seen him in this state for our long time, ever since you came about, he hasn't really been the same Jaejoong that most of us knew. He's always been happy, a little too happy after that happened" Yunho stresses that as if it's something that changes Jaejoong's life to epic proportions, Changmin guesses he might have been right. "You know how awfully happy he's like all the time," Yunho turns to see Changmin give a little nod. "I guess it's because he doesn't want to get hurt again, so he tries to act like an optimistic and happy fool to everyone he meets."

"But," Yunho says a little louder. "I've never seen him so sad, so affected in my entire life. And it's all because of you Changmin. You."

"So?" Changmin says helplessly, eyes downcast in pain and hands trembling while clutching onto the hems of the woolen blanket. "What do you possibly want me to do?" his voice cracks in between words as he tries not to let out a sob.

"I'm just saying," Yunho says before he leaves. "Give him some time."

-

Yoochun drops by moments after Yunho leaves, with an incredibly pissed off expression on his face when he finds out Changmin doesn't report the work the day after, and arms full with containers of warm porridge and kimchi soup. It was supposed to be a perfect cheering up meal, except that with every scoop Changmin takes he misses the taste of Jaejoong's cooking more and more.

Changmin tries not to cry again.

"I've never seen you like this," Yoochun says quietly, voice laced a little with worry and helplessness. Inside, he thinks, I don't know what to do.

"You don't have to do anything," Changmin whispers.

Yoochun shakes his head and sighs in utter disbelief - he doesn't know if he should feel happy that Changmin could still respond to his inner thoughts - they haven't been best friends for years for nothing, or if he should feel sad at how pained Changmin sounds, how much effort it took for Changmin to force the words out.

Yoochun's never a really expressive person by nature, okay, it's probably not really that, but he sucks at comforting people. He hates it whenever someone around him gets hurt - he never knows what to say to make them feel better.

So Yoochun contemplates for a moment, before throwing all phrases of comforting words he has in his mind and goes, "I don't know what the current Shim Changmin would think, but this is what I'll tell the Changmin I know."

Yoochun gets up from the fluffy couch he sits on and yanks Changmin out of his blanket. He grasps Changmin's shoulders and rattle him, hard, until he sees stars.

Changmin can't even find the energy to stop Yoochun.

"Stop wallowing," Yoochun shouts. "And get your fucking act together."

"I miss the old Changmin," Yoochun says brokenly. Changmin wants very badly to reply, Well suck it up, this Changmin is here to stay but he chooses to remain silent instead.

Yoochun leaves Changmin with a bowl of half-finished kimchi soup and porridge that had turned cold, and a startling thought for Changmin to ponder about.

-

Five days after the rejection, Yunho thinks he's had about enough of Jaejoong's wallowing when Kangin rings him up in the middle of his delivery to tell him about the absence of their head chef from their restaurant.

Yunho sighs inwardly, and wonders why it's always the best friends that go in to do damage control. He walks into Jaejoong's apartment promptly after, sighing in exasperation when he sees Jaejoong's slim figure tucked in between cushions and blankets and soulless eyes staring blankly at the moving pixels of the television screen.

Then he realizes Jaejoong was watching the weather report, of five days ago, with Changmin plastered on his television screen, and he knows that he's got to do something about it.

"Jae," Yunho says, earning no reaction from Jaejoong. "Jae," he presses on, and nearly sighs in relief when Jaejoong lets out a little tilt of acknowledgement.

"You've got to do something about it, Jae," Yunho crouches next to Jaejoong and envelops him in a hug. "You can't carry on like this forever."

Jaejoong's voice comes out, a little cracked from the lack of water and too many tears. "But what if I fall back into the previous Jaejoong again?"

"I'll be there," Yunho simply says.

"But-" Jaejoong whispers. "I don't want to be that man, that useless horrible man that was so completely smitten with, with Jiyoung," Jaejoong voice raises a notch in hysteria and cracks, completely ignoring the way Yunho's eyes widen in shock as Jaejoong says Jiyoung's name, for the first time after the break up. "I don't want to hurt that much ever again, Yunnie." And Jaejoong finally drops his dreadfully optimistic mask and breaks down, sobbing hysterically into Yunho's arms.

"But Jae," Yunho whispers softly after Jaejoong had sufficiently calmed down. "Aren't you hurting even more like this?"

Jaejoong freezes in between Yunho's soothing strokes, but says nothing.

Yunho secretly hopes Jaejoong wakes up.

-

It isn't really intentional, the way Changmin makes it rain. Sometimes the weather listens to his emotions instead of his command, especially when his emotions override his entire being. So it continues to pour and pour for the rest of the week that Changmin spends wallowing. It also pours considerably harder when Changmin cries.

Changmin stares obliquely at the sliding raindrops from the window panes and thinks goodbye gravity, before he closes his eyes and dreams about floating and acceptance.

Shim Changmin, Changmin says to himself, voice wavering a little, but nonetheless determined all the same. It's time to move on.

-

Yoochun doesn't know how happy he could get when Changmin reports to work a week earlier than he'd expected, sans the bright eye-smile but nevertheless still full of sarcasm and cynical comments.

"You're back!" Junsu squeals and dashes across the narrow hallways, before flinging himself onto Changmin.

"Hey, easy Su!" Yoochun frantically calls. Junsu sticks out his tongue and latches even tighter onto Changmin.

Yoochun can see it the way Changmin hesitates from the slightest contact and the way he trembles when lunch hour comes, that Changmin hasn't really given up yet.

But, he thinks, when Changmin mumbles a soft "It's good to be back", that he's making a damn good start.

After all, he smiles proudly to himself. That's his best friend after all.

That's Shim Changmin.

---

vii. with all my heart

Jaejoong wants to think that he's still afraid - stupid excuses he'd make to rationalize why he hasn't thrown himself into Changmin's arms yet. But Jaejoong knows that he understands what Yunho said was true - he'd never felt so much hurt and pain his entire life.

When Jiyoung, Jaejoong shudders at the thought of his name, left after their eight-year relationship, Jaejoong thought his life was completely decimated. But this, Jaejoong thinks sadly, was worse than what happened before, it was as if he couldn't even breathe.

So Jaejoong shakily tries to get up from his couch and staggers to his bedroom. He takes a deep breath and thinks to himself, okay Jaejoong, you can do this, and flings a suitcase open to start packing.

Jaejoong takes off on a road trip away from Seoul to clear his thoughts (which comprised mostly of a certain Shim Changmin). Occasionally, he stops to catch his breath and jots down in a tiny notebook recipes from the old ahjummas in cozy farms and food stalls along streets going on the road to nowhere. He picks up fresh tangerines from Gwangju and fish from Busan, mind whirring from the possible recipes he could create from the fresh ingredients.

Then he stops, and realizes there won't be anymore Changmin to taste his dishes and praise him with his wide-eyed sincerely smiles if he screws this up. His heart hurts a little at that thought, and tries his best to shrug it away, hands clutching onto the steering wheel a little tighter than before.

"I can do this," Jaejoong whispers fervently, desperately trying to convince himself.

"I can."

-

Changmin thinks moving on might not be so hard after all. After all, he's been holding up quite well so far.

Well, apart from the frequent pangs of heartbreak and sobs during late nights when he misses hearing Jaejoong's voice across the phone, and how he now finds the food he used to eat disgustingly bland and the fact that he never visits the café ever again - he thinks he's doing fine.

Okay, who is he to kid. Life sucks.

At least, Changmin thinks, he was able to hold a conversation now without sounding like a heartbroken fool, and the fact that he still reaches his work place at exactly 8.00a.m is considered a big enough accomplishment for him.

So Changmin goes to work everyday and tries to count that as 'moving on'. Yoochun and Junsu seemed to think that he's alright, he's fine already, so he guesses that he's doing quite a good job at moving on so far.

But, he notes with an uncomfortable distaste, that it's still raining, and he can't seem to do anything about it.

-

Days morph into weeks, and the ache in Changmin's heart is reduced to a dull throbbing pain. Changmin thinks that the pain might never go away, as he stares out at the once again stormy skies.

His mind had already moved on, but Changmin doesn't get why his heart still remains behind.

"Min," Yoochun creeps up quietly from behind him. "Min."

"What," Changmin says, a little more irritated that he had intended to.

"You've got mail."

Changmin scoffs, thinking about how ridiculous Yoochun could get for making fun of him like that. "Right," Changmin replies. "Is it with the guy at the lobby with the weird funky hairdo again?"

"No," Yoochun replies a little too solemnly than Changmin would have expected, sending tingles of suspicion pricking Changmin's skin. "It's with the guy with the mop of blonde hair and brown eyes that you never seemed to stop thinking about."

Changmin eyes widen in shock. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Why," Changmin voice rises a little higher than usual. "Of all times, why now?"

"I don't know," Yoochun says a little helplessly.

Changmin rises from his seat, then sits down again, before reluctantly forcing himself to rise up again.

"Well," he laughs slowly. "It's going to happen eventually right?" He casts hopeful eyes at Yoochun for confirmation.

"Go, Changmin," Yoochun whispers. "Just go."

Yoochun knows, or at least he thinks he knows, that although Changmin has convinced himself that he's moved on, Changmin still remains behind.

After all, even though Changmin doesn't realize it himself, he's out of the office in a flash.

-

"Jaejoong," Changmin says quietly when he sees Jaejoong waiting for him in the lobby, hands clutched a little too tightly on a cloth-wrapped box. He tries to calm his racing heart and chant to himself, I've moved on, we're just going to be friends again, I'm not going to fall in love again-

"Changmin-ah," Jaejoong whispers, and all of the thoughts Changmin had about not falling in love promptly flew out of the window. Changmin tries not to crumble with joy when he hears the familiar voice coming out from the other man's lips that he's been longing to hear for too long. "Want to hear a story?"

Changmin raises an eyebrow at the abruptness, but nods all the same.

Jaejoong takes a deep breath.

"There was a teenager who had a friend, his best friend per say, whom he grew up with until the age of 15," Jaejoong says. "Then, they got together one day and the teenager could never have been happier."

Changmin tilts his head in curiosity, wondering what Jaejoong was trying to get at.

"The teenager loved him very much - he would cancel appointments and ditch school jut to be with him. He would lie to his parents and accompany his sweetheart to rob people and shoplift whenever his sweetheart wanted him to," Jaejoong voice trembles, but he takes a deep breath and plows on. "But his sweetheart didn't love him back. He made use of him, for years and years. And when the teenager grew up into a man, although he got himself into a course in the culinary arts," Changmin's eyes widens at Jaejoong's words, realization of Jaejoong's story finally setting in.

"But," Jaejoong continues. "He found himself trafficking drugs just because his sweetheart wanted him to. He was so foolish, so in love that he was willing to do anything for him. So when one day he finds another woman in his sweetheart's bed, he doesn't know what to do. He thought his sweetheart had very much loved him too, so he thinks that it was probably a mistake."

"Until," Jaejoong voice trembles, clearly forcing himself to continue the story. "his sweetheart had chased him out and told him that he never wanted to see him again."

"What happens when you lose your only form of love and support you thought you had for half of your life?" Jaejoong says. "That man didn't know what to do, and started destroying himself from the inside, until his best friend found him one day lying on the streets and forced him to get over it."

"What happened to that man?" Changmin treads carefully, knowing that he was broaching a sensitive topic.

"He moved on," Jaejoong simply says. "And tried to be happy. Though he runs away at the mention of love every single time and rejects everyone that comes his way," Jaejoong pointedly ignores the slight wince Changmin gives him. "But then, someone came along and stole his breath away, and when the man had rejected that someone, he had never felt so sad in his entire life."

"What happens in the end?" Changmin asks, forcing himself to keep a straight face.

"The man tries to chase after that someone that might probably never return," Jaejoong says nervously, chewing on his lips.

Changmin forces to maintain a stoic expression. He wants so very much to kiss the breath off Jaejoong's lips, but instead, he says, "Do you want to hear a story?"

Jaejoong smiles a little in hesitation, but nods in the end.

"There was a man who hasn't really found anyone he loved before in his entire life. Sure, he went out with people a few times here and there, but it was never too permanent." Changmin says. "Until one day he meets a man with the brightest smile and the largest heart he had ever known, and promptly falls in love with him."

"That man didn't consider the consequences, and confesses his love to him without thinking much," Changmin says. "So naturally he got rejected."

"He wasn't a very romantic person at heart, so he thought that he wouldn't be that affected by the rejection. But apparently he loved the man more than he thought. So he weeps and moans and cries day and night, pouring rain over the whole of Seoul."

"But then his best friends comes over and shakes him awake, and he tries to move on."

"Did he move on?" Jaejoong asks with a little tinge of apprehension.

"He tried, he really did," Changmin says, now smiling beatifically at Jaejoong. "But like I've said. He loved the man more than he thought."

And then Changmin steps into the space separating him from Jaejoong, and kisses Jaejoong squarely on the lips.

Jaejoong lets out a choked sob in between the kiss and crushes Changmin into a tight hug.

"How could I have been so blind," Jaejoong sobs. "I'm such an idiot."

"Shut up," Changmin says, and kisses the words out of Jaejoong. "Shut up," he mumbles.

"You're here now," he whispers, flashing Jaejoong a genuine smile when they break away from the kiss.

"That's all that matters."

-

Changmin pointedly ignores Yoochun's crows when he brings Jaejoong up to his office for lunch together, hands firmly interlocked.

"I knew it!" Yoochun whoops in joy and sprints around the room, only to be whacked by Junsu again.

"Shut up Chunnie," Junsu says, but with a fond smile plastered on his face. "Let's give them some alone time, shall we?" Junsu grins and yanks Yoochun out of the room, to somewhere Changmin doesn't like to think about.

"So," Changmin says.

"So," Jaejoong says, mimicking Changmin's tone, before bursting out into giggles.

Changmin couldn't help but smile, and wonders how he could have been so lucky.

-

Their relationship isn't a bed of roses like Yunho's flower shop, but Changmin thinks it's perfect enough as it is.

It isn't so much on learning about random traits now - they've gone past that, but as days pass by, Changmin learns more and more about Jaejoong's flaws, and Jaejoong learns more about Changmin's. How Jaejoong gets annoyed whenever he doesn't do his laundry on time, or how insistently demanding he could get sometimes. How Changmin could be so blunt that it hurts, or how he hates anything disorderly in his otherwise orderly life. But they're okay with it, they're okay with anything as long as they have each other.

Jaejoong's also okay with kissing, but to Changmin's dismay, refuses to go beyond that. Changmin understands though, and promises to wait.

They fight sometimes, but love even harder in the aftermath. And though Changmin feels as if they're awkward around the edges and too intense in the center, he's fine with it - because that's love, and love isn't perfect.

It's up to them to make the best they can get out of it.

(Which is in Changmin's case, partly the hearty lunches Jaejoong prepares with love every day.)

-

Somehow, it still rains though - Changmin doesn't understand why it does either. He's got Jaejoong now - so what more could he ask for?

Maybe it's the insecurity, Changmin thinks, that Jaejoong could leave him any moment. He bites his lips nervously as he slouches on the squishy pink couch in Jaejoong's apartment.

"It's raining again," Jaejoong says sadly. Changmin tries very hard not to hug Jaejoong there and then.

He fails though, and wraps his arms around Jaejoong anyway.

"I can make it stop," Changmin says softly, breath tickling on Jaejoong's nape.

It's now or never, Changmin thinks nervously, as he prods the storm clouds and forces them to part.

Jaejoong's eyes widen in shock when he sees Changmin manipulating the clouds.

"Stop!" Jaejoong shouts, grabbing firmly on Changmin's hand.

Changmin lets out a sharp intake of breath, and yanks his hands away from Jaejoong. "I'm sorry- I hope uh, you're not too frightened by me but- I should be going." He desperately tries not to let his tears fall as he walks out of the apartment.

"Wait!" Jaejoong calls out desperately, grabbing onto the hems of Changmin's shirt. He looks down on the floor and shuffles his feet nervously, before mumbling, "Would you like to stay for the night?"

Changmin eyes widen, but says nothing. Instead, he drags Jaejoong into the bedroom and kisses the breath out of him.

"I've never been happier to." Changmin breathes when he sees Jaejoong's huge orbs glazed with love.

-

Changmin wakes up the next morning to find himself to an empty bed.

He gets up in panic and searches frantically for any trace of Jaejoong - only to find himself in absolute silence. He tries to calm his heart down as he paces out of the room, looking for any sign of Jaejoong.

Maybe he didn't really love me after all, Changmin thinks frantically, and tries to push the thought away.

Then, he spots a plate of sunny side-ups on the dining table, with a tiny yellow post-it stuck beside it. He sprints to the table and sniffs the sunny side-ups, checking if they were indeed real, then gingerly removes the post-it from the table, squinting his eyes to read the messily scrawled words. Changmin notices, in shock, that on top of the post-it note was his phone number that he had given Jaejoong on a napkin. He tries not to grin like an idiot when thinking of how Jaejoong still kept it with him.

After reading, Changmin lets his giggles bubble out of his mouth in delight, and finally, finally, the dark clouds part and the sun shines brightly again.

-

0800-123-xxxx-xxxx
your very own pocketful of sunshine :), ♥

Who needs the sun,
when you have your very own sun that shines brighter than everything else around you?

P.S. I'm off to work. And don't worry, I told Yoochun you have a cold :) Enjoy the sunny side-ups, my very own sunshine! ♥

---

end

A/N: OMFG USGNFDIGBIDFBGSIUBGDFUIBGIUBGD UIB after many tattered notebooks and scribbles on paper and long nights, I'M FINALLY DONE! This is the longest story I've ever written, and although I really want to delete half of it, I can't bring myself to do so. Gosh, I can't believe it's finally done!! For previous readers, this is why I haven't been updating. Haha. I've been working for this for a full month. Gosh.

btw, i don't think anyone realized it but if you join the first letter of the bolded headers together you get rainbow 8)

Anyway, it's finally done! I hope you enjoy reading all 10000++ words of it as much as I did writing it!

♥