Scars, and the Bruin's arrival.
So you know that scar around Moritz's neck from getting his head ripped off? His chest wound has also scarred white (albeit to a much lesser degree) and both scars are on his grizzly form as well.
Only they're not scars on his grizzly form, they're pure white patches of fur. And it turns out that since there's a couple inches of normal fur right at the back of his neck, his head wasn't QUITE ripped off completely. Apparently I just drew that conclusion because of all the terror.
So last night Moritz was having trouble talking and I was having trouble sleeping not only for this reason, but because I had hot chocolate at about 9PM. Since he could only manage a few words at a time (and they tended to be slurred), he eventually just took off his bearskin and wrapped us both in it.
I remember curling up next to him and not being able to look at or touch his neck scar. Even without the obvious "reminds me that he got decapitated barely a few hours ago" problem, it just feels weird when I look too long or get too close to it.
I keep having all these little spells/false-alarms where I feel like I'm about to cry, but nothing happens or my eyes don't really well up a lot. The ancestors and Tuatha De tell me not to force things, because "sometimes you don't get out of the numb stage for a week or two."
This is VERY hazy territory for my finals on Monday, but Brighid said not to worry about that.
-----
Today I offered the Morrigan something because she killed Gregor Clegane, the Mountain of Destructive Life-Patterns, and she said, "I only realized you couldn't handle him after he surprised you all and managed to rip off Moritz's head. Sometimes you can handle things without the gods, sometimes you can't. And sometimes we end up wrong about what you can handle, so we need to improvise. It happens; you don't owe me anything."
And then I asked her, "Why was the beheading worse than what he's already done?"
"Because your head carries your soul. If something can take off your head, especially a BEAR'S head, it's not a run-of-the-mill manifestation."
And then I wondered why Moritz's head wasn't completely taken off, and Hanschen went, "You mean how his wires are still fine? Pfft. Moritz is too stupid to lose touch with himself."
"Hanschen!"
"I'm sorry, little sister, but he IS." So he gave me a hug and stopped being snarky for his explanation. "Smart people like us, we let ourselves get bothered by other people or we make our wants too complicated. Moritz just blunders along staying perfectly fine, because he knows who he is, what he wants, and he doesn't care if people don't like it."
And then when I was on lunch break, I checked on Moritz in the Otherworld and Melchior was humming his note, dripping blood from his cut palms onto Moritz's scars. Melchi said it was to help keep Moritz from getting too drained, and it's not because something went wrong with my healing.
So I try to stay out of the Otherworld, but eventually I end up getting gently steered back down a few times because "You already did everything you could, honey, just stay down there for a while."
And so I head to Otso and tell him, "Otso, I don't know what to do."
"Then you do nothing, little bear-wife. Is fine for now."
"But... don't you have any advice or anything?"
And he chuckled and told me, "Ha--restless now, no? Is not bad or good, bear-wife, is just feelings. Seeing the bear-cub like that, it does not go to normal soon."
-----
So since everyone was giving me different versions of "just process your feelings right now, you're doing all right" I headed out and bought a pack of medicine cards that I've been curious about from my bookstore, and I went to a nearby little park to have a look at it.
I saw a memorial shrine to Michael Ve___r (the paint was running by now). I was just standing there feeling extremely sad, because he died this year and probably within a week, but suddenly I hear someone go "Hi!" and I thought it was Hanschen, so I went "GAH HANSCHEN DON'T STARTLE ME LIKE THAT."
And then this late-teens/early-twenties guy with cropped or shaved hair went, "Huh? I'm not your brother, I'm Michael."
Yaaaaay, cue my flailing because this is the second time I've met a dead person who wasn't an ancestor. And like the first time, I had no gorram idea what to do.
And Hanschen steps over and tells him, "Dude, please don't hang around my sister. She can't deal with you right now."
But he just doesn't want to leave because I keep getting "YES, YOU CAN SEE ME" vibes, so I'm freaking out (silently, because I have to head back to work). And Wendla comes up as well, and Michael goes, "Aww, a bird!"
"Yeah, hi! I'm her mom!"
Hanschen's like, "Argh, Wendla! No TALKING to the dead guy who is FREAKING HER OUT." Michael asked him why and he explained, "It's not because of you or being reminded that people die, she just isn't ready to handle this yet."
Spirit-Me just starts going "Oh god oh god, I'm sorry I can't do this right now. Can you just go back to the park, or... something?" I'm completely unable to do anything, so Moritz comes up because of my distress and Michael freaks out because HOLY SHIT A BEAR. And then I'm like, "Nonono, it's okay--he's actually really sweet!"
"He's SWEET? What the fuck?!"
And Hanschen explains that "He's not an actual bear, man--he just turns into one, and he's too stupid to realize it sometimes." After twenty more minutes, Hanschen finally gets Michael to leave by going, "Hah, dude--go visit your own family and quit bothering mine."
"Where are they?"
"It's Saturday, dude. Where ARE they on Saturdays?"
"Home?"
"Yeah. Home." And Hanschen smiles and something echoes, so he's probably doing his two-spirit thing.
Michael's about to walk off, but then he asks, "But what if they aren't home?"
Hanschen scoffs gently and says, "Then you wait for them, don't you? You have lots of time."
Suddenly everything gets brighter, and Michael laughs before he teleports home.
So after calming down, I asked Hanschen what the hell happened just now and he told me, "Well, little sister, you're starting to see dead people again. Everyone gets freaked out until they're used to it."
And I'm like, "...So where else am I going to start seeing them?!"
"Dead people are everywhere, little sister. Schools, hospitals, graveyards, houses. You're just not ready to see them yet."
"So what, they're at HOME?"
"Ha, ESPECIALLY home." And then he realizes that he really shouldn't have joked about that because Kuya is standing there. "But yeah, little sister. Dead people are everywhere, but they're not that bad. Sometimes they just need a while to realize things, and Michael was there because of his shrine."
-----
And then I met the Bear. Not a bear-god, a personification-of-a-bear, or an ancestor-with-a-bear-totem. Ursus fucking arctos. Yes, just one "arctos," because I asked if he was the European Brown Bear and he just grumbled and gave "too young" vibes.
He showed up and called me "Wife" in a gravelly voice, pinned me down, and waited till I stopped screaming/flailing to tell me that he's here to get me used to him before we start actual work. (Possibly related to Odin and Loki's thing, definitely related to the general "bear-wife" situation.)
And now I'm calling him (the) Bruin because I don't want to use "bear" too much. He has REALLY good hearing and he came over partly because I need help "dreaming" (not just the literal kind from insomnia), and partly because I was reading the book that came with the medicine cards.
Ogma is the only one of the Tuatha De who actually remembers Bruin and thus didn't freak out upon seeing him. The Morrigan knows him, but it's a recent thing. Artio and Otso are obviously fine with him.
And for a while he was either lazing around sunbathing or playing with my children, but if he were physical he'd be the size of my kitchen at LEAST. And then there's the pinning-me-down thing.
So I was eating chips for a while and then this came into my head:
"I dwell with the great brown one,
king of the forest, that winter-cave sleeper,
who looms above all men.
And who knows me dares not strike me,
for fear I shall call him in vengeance."
No idea what it is, but Otso said it's important. Thank god the shamanic-group meeting is tomorrow.
Only they're not scars on his grizzly form, they're pure white patches of fur. And it turns out that since there's a couple inches of normal fur right at the back of his neck, his head wasn't QUITE ripped off completely. Apparently I just drew that conclusion because of all the terror.
So last night Moritz was having trouble talking and I was having trouble sleeping not only for this reason, but because I had hot chocolate at about 9PM. Since he could only manage a few words at a time (and they tended to be slurred), he eventually just took off his bearskin and wrapped us both in it.
I remember curling up next to him and not being able to look at or touch his neck scar. Even without the obvious "reminds me that he got decapitated barely a few hours ago" problem, it just feels weird when I look too long or get too close to it.
I keep having all these little spells/false-alarms where I feel like I'm about to cry, but nothing happens or my eyes don't really well up a lot. The ancestors and Tuatha De tell me not to force things, because "sometimes you don't get out of the numb stage for a week or two."
This is VERY hazy territory for my finals on Monday, but Brighid said not to worry about that.
-----
Today I offered the Morrigan something because she killed Gregor Clegane, the Mountain of Destructive Life-Patterns, and she said, "I only realized you couldn't handle him after he surprised you all and managed to rip off Moritz's head. Sometimes you can handle things without the gods, sometimes you can't. And sometimes we end up wrong about what you can handle, so we need to improvise. It happens; you don't owe me anything."
And then I asked her, "Why was the beheading worse than what he's already done?"
"Because your head carries your soul. If something can take off your head, especially a BEAR'S head, it's not a run-of-the-mill manifestation."
And then I wondered why Moritz's head wasn't completely taken off, and Hanschen went, "You mean how his wires are still fine? Pfft. Moritz is too stupid to lose touch with himself."
"Hanschen!"
"I'm sorry, little sister, but he IS." So he gave me a hug and stopped being snarky for his explanation. "Smart people like us, we let ourselves get bothered by other people or we make our wants too complicated. Moritz just blunders along staying perfectly fine, because he knows who he is, what he wants, and he doesn't care if people don't like it."
And then when I was on lunch break, I checked on Moritz in the Otherworld and Melchior was humming his note, dripping blood from his cut palms onto Moritz's scars. Melchi said it was to help keep Moritz from getting too drained, and it's not because something went wrong with my healing.
So I try to stay out of the Otherworld, but eventually I end up getting gently steered back down a few times because "You already did everything you could, honey, just stay down there for a while."
And so I head to Otso and tell him, "Otso, I don't know what to do."
"Then you do nothing, little bear-wife. Is fine for now."
"But... don't you have any advice or anything?"
And he chuckled and told me, "Ha--restless now, no? Is not bad or good, bear-wife, is just feelings. Seeing the bear-cub like that, it does not go to normal soon."
-----
So since everyone was giving me different versions of "just process your feelings right now, you're doing all right" I headed out and bought a pack of medicine cards that I've been curious about from my bookstore, and I went to a nearby little park to have a look at it.
I saw a memorial shrine to Michael Ve___r (the paint was running by now). I was just standing there feeling extremely sad, because he died this year and probably within a week, but suddenly I hear someone go "Hi!" and I thought it was Hanschen, so I went "GAH HANSCHEN DON'T STARTLE ME LIKE THAT."
And then this late-teens/early-twenties guy with cropped or shaved hair went, "Huh? I'm not your brother, I'm Michael."
Yaaaaay, cue my flailing because this is the second time I've met a dead person who wasn't an ancestor. And like the first time, I had no gorram idea what to do.
And Hanschen steps over and tells him, "Dude, please don't hang around my sister. She can't deal with you right now."
But he just doesn't want to leave because I keep getting "YES, YOU CAN SEE ME" vibes, so I'm freaking out (silently, because I have to head back to work). And Wendla comes up as well, and Michael goes, "Aww, a bird!"
"Yeah, hi! I'm her mom!"
Hanschen's like, "Argh, Wendla! No TALKING to the dead guy who is FREAKING HER OUT." Michael asked him why and he explained, "It's not because of you or being reminded that people die, she just isn't ready to handle this yet."
Spirit-Me just starts going "Oh god oh god, I'm sorry I can't do this right now. Can you just go back to the park, or... something?" I'm completely unable to do anything, so Moritz comes up because of my distress and Michael freaks out because HOLY SHIT A BEAR. And then I'm like, "Nonono, it's okay--he's actually really sweet!"
"He's SWEET? What the fuck?!"
And Hanschen explains that "He's not an actual bear, man--he just turns into one, and he's too stupid to realize it sometimes." After twenty more minutes, Hanschen finally gets Michael to leave by going, "Hah, dude--go visit your own family and quit bothering mine."
"Where are they?"
"It's Saturday, dude. Where ARE they on Saturdays?"
"Home?"
"Yeah. Home." And Hanschen smiles and something echoes, so he's probably doing his two-spirit thing.
Michael's about to walk off, but then he asks, "But what if they aren't home?"
Hanschen scoffs gently and says, "Then you wait for them, don't you? You have lots of time."
Suddenly everything gets brighter, and Michael laughs before he teleports home.
So after calming down, I asked Hanschen what the hell happened just now and he told me, "Well, little sister, you're starting to see dead people again. Everyone gets freaked out until they're used to it."
And I'm like, "...So where else am I going to start seeing them?!"
"Dead people are everywhere, little sister. Schools, hospitals, graveyards, houses. You're just not ready to see them yet."
"So what, they're at HOME?"
"Ha, ESPECIALLY home." And then he realizes that he really shouldn't have joked about that because Kuya is standing there. "But yeah, little sister. Dead people are everywhere, but they're not that bad. Sometimes they just need a while to realize things, and Michael was there because of his shrine."
-----
And then I met the Bear. Not a bear-god, a personification-of-a-bear, or an ancestor-with-a-bear-totem. Ursus fucking arctos. Yes, just one "arctos," because I asked if he was the European Brown Bear and he just grumbled and gave "too young" vibes.
He showed up and called me "Wife" in a gravelly voice, pinned me down, and waited till I stopped screaming/flailing to tell me that he's here to get me used to him before we start actual work. (Possibly related to Odin and Loki's thing, definitely related to the general "bear-wife" situation.)
And now I'm calling him (the) Bruin because I don't want to use "bear" too much. He has REALLY good hearing and he came over partly because I need help "dreaming" (not just the literal kind from insomnia), and partly because I was reading the book that came with the medicine cards.
Ogma is the only one of the Tuatha De who actually remembers Bruin and thus didn't freak out upon seeing him. The Morrigan knows him, but it's a recent thing. Artio and Otso are obviously fine with him.
And for a while he was either lazing around sunbathing or playing with my children, but if he were physical he'd be the size of my kitchen at LEAST. And then there's the pinning-me-down thing.
So I was eating chips for a while and then this came into my head:
"I dwell with the great brown one,
king of the forest, that winter-cave sleeper,
who looms above all men.
And who knows me dares not strike me,
for fear I shall call him in vengeance."
No idea what it is, but Otso said it's important. Thank god the shamanic-group meeting is tomorrow.