Dolma
Hrm.
(I wonder how many of my LJ entries I've started off by saying "Hrm." Seems like a number of them. It's fitting, though. I'm pensive. I'm also ditching my normal patterns for something a little more direct).
I don't know if I should lock this or not.
Not many people know this, but for the past six years (well, just shy of six) I've been paying for the education of a Nepalese girl named Dolma. It started simply enough; one of my friends from Loomis, having just returned from Nepal, put an entry up on her LJ about this girl, Dolma, about how smart she was, how much potential she had, but that all she was missing was some money to put her through school.
Astute readers will note the timing, I'm sure. Hrm. Well, no sense in being obtuse about it... I'd just broken up with 'Cisca and I was feeling awful after all the fallout. Awful and, well, alone, in a really, really large world. Sort of a formative time for me I guess, for better or for worse. But part of that formation was a reaction against my having felt so isolated: I developed a Theory, also for better or for worse, about behavior, about how one was supposed to act.
My isolation, my "aloneness," the theory went, was because I wasn't giving enough of myself. "Be more selfless," it said, "and the world will reward you with more boon companions, and one of them surely will replace the one you lost." It was, in a sense, a bit of a karmic argument, but it was also based, slightly, on observation; joy shared is joy doubled or tripled, and who knows what good might come of the good I did? So instead of shrinking from the world, I should commit to it even more tightly and pour even more heart into it.
Yes, this was probably a very silly theory, but at the time it was the best I had. So when Rachel sent out word that this girl, Dolma, needed help, I took the opportunity with both hands. No, I had no way of confirming if this was a scam. I took it on faith that it wasn't, called him up, spoke to Dolma, and began helping.
So, here I am. For the past six years, I've been putting this girl through school. It hasn't been all that expensive really, and God knows I can afford it, but...
Two years ago, her headmaster and my liaison, a man called Ramesh, suggested that we put her into a more advanced school. I agreed without a second's thought; I mean, after all, if it meant improving her education, I was all for it. But then the call frequency began increasing -- from once every six months to now almost twice a month. And as the call frequency increased, so did the types of request, as well as the sum of money requested (oh, not to worry, it's still not much, all things considered), up until about a year ago.
About a year ago, maybe a hair more, they suddenly asked me to bring them, the both of them, to the States. And at that point, I decided I'd had enough. I no longer wanted to deal with Ramesh, Dolma, or any of it at all.
Except, really, let's face it. I'm a softie. I told Ramesh that bringing them to the States was impossible and that the requests for money were getting out of hand and left it at that.
That is, until today. Today, Ramesh called me at work and asked for a few hundred dollars for one of Dolma's school projects. I told him I'd think about it, but that if I did give him the money, that would be the absolute end of it, and if I didn't give him the money, I would be done at the end of this school year. I told him that I'd been doing this for about six years and that it was unsustainable and that his requests were bothersome and excessive and that frankly, I was done.
Only...
I feel terrible. None of the narrative I've sketched here does this any amount of justice at all, but it's all accurate. But let me try again...
I'm helping a young girl get an education. In the grand scheme of things, it does not cost me much. I've heard her English go from pidgin to passable in a few short years. I'm doing Good, brightening a person's life, giving her opportunities she would never have had otherwise, and all it's costing me is a couple hundred dollars and some patience. It's not much.
When I die, I believe I'm going to be called to account for all the things I've done, both bad and good. It's exceedingly difficult to tell from where I'm sitting if I've made the world a better place or not. So I want, in my life, one stellar, shining, undeniable example of selfless world-improvement, that I can hold up and say, "Look! Look! This is me! I did this out of love for my fellow man!"
I felt, those six years ago, that this might have been it. And now, though the requests really aren't bothersome and truly aren't excessive, I fear they may become so soon, and so I want them to stop. I'm sick of dealing with Ramesh. And now I'm ... terrified, I guess, that this is my selfish self coming back to tempt me.
What would I use those hundreds of dollars for, anyways? Food? I already eat well. Clothing? I'm well-dressed and do not want for clothes. Savings? My future? I'm saving well enough. Travel? I can go where I want without difficulty. So what do I really need that money for? I can't come up with a reason at all. And yet, I really don't want to deal with them any more. The requests have gotten larger year over year, and I'm concerned that my generosity and ... selflessness are being abused.
What irony.
But of course, you see the impasse. Have I done enough good? Is there even such a thing as "enough good?" Is this a test? How can I hold this as my shining example of selflessness when it's concern for my own money -- money which I want but do not need -- that has me considering stopping entirely? Single actions are easy and rarely show anything. Consistent actions over a long period of time, those are the true tests of character. What will it say about my character if I quit now?
Most of my good sense is telling me to stop sending them money. But then I think about the girl out there who's learning and growing because of me and how I've been able to help her. Can I willingly put that to an end?
All my friends say I'm too good for my own good. Misplaced sense of loyalty. Overblown sense of honor. These may be. I'm fairly certain these questions don't keep other people up at night. I dunno.
These, all these, are agonizing questions to which I do not have the answers. I think I'm going to end it. I just... I feel terrible about it. Lower than snakeskin.
(I wonder how many of my LJ entries I've started off by saying "Hrm." Seems like a number of them. It's fitting, though. I'm pensive. I'm also ditching my normal patterns for something a little more direct).
I don't know if I should lock this or not.
Not many people know this, but for the past six years (well, just shy of six) I've been paying for the education of a Nepalese girl named Dolma. It started simply enough; one of my friends from Loomis, having just returned from Nepal, put an entry up on her LJ about this girl, Dolma, about how smart she was, how much potential she had, but that all she was missing was some money to put her through school.
Astute readers will note the timing, I'm sure. Hrm. Well, no sense in being obtuse about it... I'd just broken up with 'Cisca and I was feeling awful after all the fallout. Awful and, well, alone, in a really, really large world. Sort of a formative time for me I guess, for better or for worse. But part of that formation was a reaction against my having felt so isolated: I developed a Theory, also for better or for worse, about behavior, about how one was supposed to act.
My isolation, my "aloneness," the theory went, was because I wasn't giving enough of myself. "Be more selfless," it said, "and the world will reward you with more boon companions, and one of them surely will replace the one you lost." It was, in a sense, a bit of a karmic argument, but it was also based, slightly, on observation; joy shared is joy doubled or tripled, and who knows what good might come of the good I did? So instead of shrinking from the world, I should commit to it even more tightly and pour even more heart into it.
Yes, this was probably a very silly theory, but at the time it was the best I had. So when Rachel sent out word that this girl, Dolma, needed help, I took the opportunity with both hands. No, I had no way of confirming if this was a scam. I took it on faith that it wasn't, called him up, spoke to Dolma, and began helping.
So, here I am. For the past six years, I've been putting this girl through school. It hasn't been all that expensive really, and God knows I can afford it, but...
Two years ago, her headmaster and my liaison, a man called Ramesh, suggested that we put her into a more advanced school. I agreed without a second's thought; I mean, after all, if it meant improving her education, I was all for it. But then the call frequency began increasing -- from once every six months to now almost twice a month. And as the call frequency increased, so did the types of request, as well as the sum of money requested (oh, not to worry, it's still not much, all things considered), up until about a year ago.
About a year ago, maybe a hair more, they suddenly asked me to bring them, the both of them, to the States. And at that point, I decided I'd had enough. I no longer wanted to deal with Ramesh, Dolma, or any of it at all.
Except, really, let's face it. I'm a softie. I told Ramesh that bringing them to the States was impossible and that the requests for money were getting out of hand and left it at that.
That is, until today. Today, Ramesh called me at work and asked for a few hundred dollars for one of Dolma's school projects. I told him I'd think about it, but that if I did give him the money, that would be the absolute end of it, and if I didn't give him the money, I would be done at the end of this school year. I told him that I'd been doing this for about six years and that it was unsustainable and that his requests were bothersome and excessive and that frankly, I was done.
Only...
I feel terrible. None of the narrative I've sketched here does this any amount of justice at all, but it's all accurate. But let me try again...
I'm helping a young girl get an education. In the grand scheme of things, it does not cost me much. I've heard her English go from pidgin to passable in a few short years. I'm doing Good, brightening a person's life, giving her opportunities she would never have had otherwise, and all it's costing me is a couple hundred dollars and some patience. It's not much.
When I die, I believe I'm going to be called to account for all the things I've done, both bad and good. It's exceedingly difficult to tell from where I'm sitting if I've made the world a better place or not. So I want, in my life, one stellar, shining, undeniable example of selfless world-improvement, that I can hold up and say, "Look! Look! This is me! I did this out of love for my fellow man!"
I felt, those six years ago, that this might have been it. And now, though the requests really aren't bothersome and truly aren't excessive, I fear they may become so soon, and so I want them to stop. I'm sick of dealing with Ramesh. And now I'm ... terrified, I guess, that this is my selfish self coming back to tempt me.
What would I use those hundreds of dollars for, anyways? Food? I already eat well. Clothing? I'm well-dressed and do not want for clothes. Savings? My future? I'm saving well enough. Travel? I can go where I want without difficulty. So what do I really need that money for? I can't come up with a reason at all. And yet, I really don't want to deal with them any more. The requests have gotten larger year over year, and I'm concerned that my generosity and ... selflessness are being abused.
What irony.
But of course, you see the impasse. Have I done enough good? Is there even such a thing as "enough good?" Is this a test? How can I hold this as my shining example of selflessness when it's concern for my own money -- money which I want but do not need -- that has me considering stopping entirely? Single actions are easy and rarely show anything. Consistent actions over a long period of time, those are the true tests of character. What will it say about my character if I quit now?
Most of my good sense is telling me to stop sending them money. But then I think about the girl out there who's learning and growing because of me and how I've been able to help her. Can I willingly put that to an end?
All my friends say I'm too good for my own good. Misplaced sense of loyalty. Overblown sense of honor. These may be. I'm fairly certain these questions don't keep other people up at night. I dunno.
These, all these, are agonizing questions to which I do not have the answers. I think I'm going to end it. I just... I feel terrible about it. Lower than snakeskin.