Lost Friends
Well, I've gone and fucked up again. This time royally. I've always been lacking in the social skills department, but this mess up pushes the bar farther than it's ever been for m before. My one-time friendship with Heather has been completely sundered.
I sorrowfully admit to having been a major contributor to unfortunate circumstance. Things were going wrong and I didn't know how to help make them right. I've lost a great many friends in the past, but none to my own stupidity before. I've moved and lost contact, I've had friends die, I even had one friend cut me off in favor of her latest flavor of the week. I never had anyone become my friend and stay my friend without knowing my defiancy then discovering it later and taking it as meaning I didn't care. Or worse, that I'd just been using her all along. I've never had a blade cut so deep.
I need to write a poem. But I can't get it out right. Nothing sounds right. I've been locked in my room for over an hour, killing my eyes for lack of light and burning from far too much incense, but I can’t think of anyway to put this down in a poem. I guess it's a good thing I started packing my belongings a while ago. All my blades are packed and in one of some twenty odd boxes in what passes for my sister's room while she's here. I feel sick. I don't think it's from the over abundance of incense either.
I didn't want things to turn out this way. I love Heather. She's my best friend. She didn't even tell me she and Ketterer were working out as well as they were. I'd never seem them really together. Am I the only person who DIDN'T know they were getting married? When was someone going to have the decency to tell me?
Heather, Heather. I'm so sorry. I don't want to lose you. I don't read posts on the net. I don't know how to comfort over then net. I'm used to just having someone crying on my shoulder so I could hug them and tell them it was okay, that everything would get better. I don't like technology for this reason, everything seems so heartless, so cold and sterile. Nothing has any feeling left. That's not the way I want to live.
Mark shouldn't have come between us. But I wanted you to trust in my judgment, too. You may have known Mark as he was, but that doesn't mean you know him as he is now. Did you know me and Mark were getting married too? I wanted you to get to know him as he is now before I told you that. And I didn't want to do it over some stupid internet site. I wanted to tell you to your face. I wanted you to be happy for me. As happy as I am for you. I'm so happy you and Ketterer are getting married. I was so out of everything. I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't see.
Then again, how could I? I only saw you two together at school. No PDA there. I wanted you to be happy. But I wanted be there watching you. Seeing you happy. Not off on the sidelines hindering your happiness. Hampering it. If this is all I've ever done, I'm so sorry. You're right to cut me off. Please throw me away. I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy. I don't want to hurt anyone. Not really, especially not someone I count as a friend.
I should never have moved here. It's only hurt everyone I've come into contact with. I hurt you dear Heather. I've forced you away. I've hurt Kellen. Maybe if I'd stayed I wouldn't have pushed him away. Maybe we'd have worked out as a couple if I'd stayed there. I know I wouldn't be hurting Mark then. I wouldn't be putting him through the torture of watching the one he loves drag through life with the ever present knowledge of where her blades are and how to use them to greatest effect on herself, to end all her daily suffering.
I've got problems with my family that I just can't work out no matter how hard I try, I didn't need or want to cause trouble with my friends as well.
Everything else aside. I honestly don't, and never did deserve a friend like you Heather. So, goodbye. I hope wherever life takes you from here, that it brings you happiness, contentment, and everything else you could hope for. And I hope that you never have to suffer at my hands again.
I sorrowfully admit to having been a major contributor to unfortunate circumstance. Things were going wrong and I didn't know how to help make them right. I've lost a great many friends in the past, but none to my own stupidity before. I've moved and lost contact, I've had friends die, I even had one friend cut me off in favor of her latest flavor of the week. I never had anyone become my friend and stay my friend without knowing my defiancy then discovering it later and taking it as meaning I didn't care. Or worse, that I'd just been using her all along. I've never had a blade cut so deep.
I need to write a poem. But I can't get it out right. Nothing sounds right. I've been locked in my room for over an hour, killing my eyes for lack of light and burning from far too much incense, but I can’t think of anyway to put this down in a poem. I guess it's a good thing I started packing my belongings a while ago. All my blades are packed and in one of some twenty odd boxes in what passes for my sister's room while she's here. I feel sick. I don't think it's from the over abundance of incense either.
I didn't want things to turn out this way. I love Heather. She's my best friend. She didn't even tell me she and Ketterer were working out as well as they were. I'd never seem them really together. Am I the only person who DIDN'T know they were getting married? When was someone going to have the decency to tell me?
Heather, Heather. I'm so sorry. I don't want to lose you. I don't read posts on the net. I don't know how to comfort over then net. I'm used to just having someone crying on my shoulder so I could hug them and tell them it was okay, that everything would get better. I don't like technology for this reason, everything seems so heartless, so cold and sterile. Nothing has any feeling left. That's not the way I want to live.
Mark shouldn't have come between us. But I wanted you to trust in my judgment, too. You may have known Mark as he was, but that doesn't mean you know him as he is now. Did you know me and Mark were getting married too? I wanted you to get to know him as he is now before I told you that. And I didn't want to do it over some stupid internet site. I wanted to tell you to your face. I wanted you to be happy for me. As happy as I am for you. I'm so happy you and Ketterer are getting married. I was so out of everything. I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't see.
Then again, how could I? I only saw you two together at school. No PDA there. I wanted you to be happy. But I wanted be there watching you. Seeing you happy. Not off on the sidelines hindering your happiness. Hampering it. If this is all I've ever done, I'm so sorry. You're right to cut me off. Please throw me away. I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy. I don't want to hurt anyone. Not really, especially not someone I count as a friend.
I should never have moved here. It's only hurt everyone I've come into contact with. I hurt you dear Heather. I've forced you away. I've hurt Kellen. Maybe if I'd stayed I wouldn't have pushed him away. Maybe we'd have worked out as a couple if I'd stayed there. I know I wouldn't be hurting Mark then. I wouldn't be putting him through the torture of watching the one he loves drag through life with the ever present knowledge of where her blades are and how to use them to greatest effect on herself, to end all her daily suffering.
I've got problems with my family that I just can't work out no matter how hard I try, I didn't need or want to cause trouble with my friends as well.
Everything else aside. I honestly don't, and never did deserve a friend like you Heather. So, goodbye. I hope wherever life takes you from here, that it brings you happiness, contentment, and everything else you could hope for. And I hope that you never have to suffer at my hands again.