Profiling
Aaaaaand welcome back to the Ninth Annual National Air-Travelers Show, hosted by American Science & Engineering, makers of fine backscatter scanning technology, and your Transportation Security Administration.
Next up, Ray, it's the Florida Vacationers Group. Now, these are travelers who don't have a home address in Florida, who are most likely traveling to Orlando and Miami and the like to get away from the chill of winter in more northern climates.
That's right, Jim. The folks in this grouping are mostly traveling for their own purposes. They're not as likely to be visiting family for the holidays. They're going for the sun, for the water activities, and for Disneyworld. They'll likely have more and better camera equipment than many travelers, start off in a better mood but more quickly descend into travel rage at the security checkpoint because, unlike many other travelers this time of year, they're doing this entirely for their own reasons instead of obligation.
Our judge for this group is TSA Field Supervisor Hannah Granger, who we last saw judging Florida Vacationers at ORD in September. Now, she's walking the line, checking each traveler for certain key characteristics that are crucial for the type, making her selections for additional screening.
A lot of fine specimens today. Really, it could be anyone's checkpoint. Wait, it looks like she's… Is she lingering…? Yes, I think she's definitely stopping to take a bit more consideration of the Grumpy Old Jewish Man!
Well, I'm not surprised, Ray. The best-of-breed Grumpy Old Jewish Man in today's checkpoint is David Joseph Epstein, who has won best of show in three other security lines this year alone. On fight after flight, he is constantly pulled out for consideration. A real champion, all around.
Yep, he's pulled. It also looks like she has preference for the Sullen Silent Swarthy Guy, unsurprisingly…
Indeed. That guy really looks like he wants everyone else on the plane to die immediately if not sooner. I'm not a bit surprised she wants to take a closer look at him. If he's at all Persian or the least bit Arab, he's going to be hard to beat.
Also… the Scruffy College Kid… whoa, the Single Mother With Three Kids!
Oh, now that's an interesting choice. A difficult choice, but interesting. They're going to be a handful to judge.
…the Best Girl Friends… the Solo Twentysomething Bro…
Today's Solo Twentysomething is Jake Lancaster, a perfect example of the indolent trust fund baby that really excels in this category. He flies a lot, wherever it's warm and sunny, to bang a lot of strange throwaway beach tail. Not much else. His disconnected, unconcerned demeanor tends to excite something in TSA judges, almost as if they can sense that his temper is on a short fuse. If he's the least bit drunk right now, we may see something really special here.
…and the Newlyweds.
A good selection, all around great examples of the type. Now they're being taken over to the additional screening area…
Supervisor Granger is watching as each of them is trotted through the backscatter machine… Obviously, she's looking for any physical objects…
Sure, sure, anything at all to really call them out, to set them apart from the expected profile.
So far, nothing unexpected… the Solo Bro has his flask… oh, the Swarthy has a second cell phone, that's going to catch her eye…
Single Mom With Kids has all those fluids, though. Water, milk, juice.
Rebecca Harris, that's her name. Relatively new to flying. But I think the way her three-year-old is crying is really going to spur the judge to get her on through the sterile area as quickly as possible. Nobody wants that around any longer than necessary.
Now Supervisor Granger is moving them along to the hand-pat.
This is typically where we really see the real winners break out. They all tend to go through the backscatter more or less the same, but they really respond very differently to having gloved hands banging against their genitalia.
Sullen Swarthy Guy taking it surprisingly well.
He may actually be perfectly harmless after all, Jim. Italian-American or Cuban, both very likely, both nothing for the administration to get all that worked up over.
Wait...! A recoil! Solo Bro jumped back and… did he say something? It sounds like he's saying something to her. Is he talking?
He is, Jim! He's… something about his lawyer! Is he actually balling his fists as well?
He is. I think he may have even pushed her slightly! Oh, and it looks like she's ready to judge. She's making her choices…
And it's the Bro first…! The Sullen Swarthy second… Grumpy Jew third…
Now they're escorting the Bro away for full cavity searches and extended detainment and interrogation beyond the security firewall, while the other two merely get an additional round of highly personal questions here in the checkpoint. Once again, the Solo Twentysomething Bro takes best of Florida Traveler!
With a real good shot at best of checkpoint for the day, Jim, I really think. He may get physically confrontational later and they may even decide to tase him.
Wow, wouldn't that be something? Well, when we come back from break, we'll be seeing the Frequent Business Flier Group. Always a high-strung but strangely optimized group. Stay tuned, we'll be right back with more of the Ninth Annual National Air-Travelers Show.
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For consideration: air travel and the National Dog Show are two great American Thanksgiving traditions
Next up, Ray, it's the Florida Vacationers Group. Now, these are travelers who don't have a home address in Florida, who are most likely traveling to Orlando and Miami and the like to get away from the chill of winter in more northern climates.
That's right, Jim. The folks in this grouping are mostly traveling for their own purposes. They're not as likely to be visiting family for the holidays. They're going for the sun, for the water activities, and for Disneyworld. They'll likely have more and better camera equipment than many travelers, start off in a better mood but more quickly descend into travel rage at the security checkpoint because, unlike many other travelers this time of year, they're doing this entirely for their own reasons instead of obligation.
Our judge for this group is TSA Field Supervisor Hannah Granger, who we last saw judging Florida Vacationers at ORD in September. Now, she's walking the line, checking each traveler for certain key characteristics that are crucial for the type, making her selections for additional screening.
A lot of fine specimens today. Really, it could be anyone's checkpoint. Wait, it looks like she's… Is she lingering…? Yes, I think she's definitely stopping to take a bit more consideration of the Grumpy Old Jewish Man!
Well, I'm not surprised, Ray. The best-of-breed Grumpy Old Jewish Man in today's checkpoint is David Joseph Epstein, who has won best of show in three other security lines this year alone. On fight after flight, he is constantly pulled out for consideration. A real champion, all around.
Yep, he's pulled. It also looks like she has preference for the Sullen Silent Swarthy Guy, unsurprisingly…
Indeed. That guy really looks like he wants everyone else on the plane to die immediately if not sooner. I'm not a bit surprised she wants to take a closer look at him. If he's at all Persian or the least bit Arab, he's going to be hard to beat.
Also… the Scruffy College Kid… whoa, the Single Mother With Three Kids!
Oh, now that's an interesting choice. A difficult choice, but interesting. They're going to be a handful to judge.
…the Best Girl Friends… the Solo Twentysomething Bro…
Today's Solo Twentysomething is Jake Lancaster, a perfect example of the indolent trust fund baby that really excels in this category. He flies a lot, wherever it's warm and sunny, to bang a lot of strange throwaway beach tail. Not much else. His disconnected, unconcerned demeanor tends to excite something in TSA judges, almost as if they can sense that his temper is on a short fuse. If he's the least bit drunk right now, we may see something really special here.
…and the Newlyweds.
A good selection, all around great examples of the type. Now they're being taken over to the additional screening area…
Supervisor Granger is watching as each of them is trotted through the backscatter machine… Obviously, she's looking for any physical objects…
Sure, sure, anything at all to really call them out, to set them apart from the expected profile.
So far, nothing unexpected… the Solo Bro has his flask… oh, the Swarthy has a second cell phone, that's going to catch her eye…
Single Mom With Kids has all those fluids, though. Water, milk, juice.
Rebecca Harris, that's her name. Relatively new to flying. But I think the way her three-year-old is crying is really going to spur the judge to get her on through the sterile area as quickly as possible. Nobody wants that around any longer than necessary.
Now Supervisor Granger is moving them along to the hand-pat.
This is typically where we really see the real winners break out. They all tend to go through the backscatter more or less the same, but they really respond very differently to having gloved hands banging against their genitalia.
Sullen Swarthy Guy taking it surprisingly well.
He may actually be perfectly harmless after all, Jim. Italian-American or Cuban, both very likely, both nothing for the administration to get all that worked up over.
Wait...! A recoil! Solo Bro jumped back and… did he say something? It sounds like he's saying something to her. Is he talking?
He is, Jim! He's… something about his lawyer! Is he actually balling his fists as well?
He is. I think he may have even pushed her slightly! Oh, and it looks like she's ready to judge. She's making her choices…
And it's the Bro first…! The Sullen Swarthy second… Grumpy Jew third…
Now they're escorting the Bro away for full cavity searches and extended detainment and interrogation beyond the security firewall, while the other two merely get an additional round of highly personal questions here in the checkpoint. Once again, the Solo Twentysomething Bro takes best of Florida Traveler!
With a real good shot at best of checkpoint for the day, Jim, I really think. He may get physically confrontational later and they may even decide to tase him.
Wow, wouldn't that be something? Well, when we come back from break, we'll be seeing the Frequent Business Flier Group. Always a high-strung but strangely optimized group. Stay tuned, we'll be right back with more of the Ninth Annual National Air-Travelers Show.
------
For consideration: air travel and the National Dog Show are two great American Thanksgiving traditions