Fic - Your Love Is My Muse - Jared/Jensen - R - Part One
Title: Your Love Is My Muse
Author: nilsi_pilsifan
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Word count: ~4,920
Beta: the_milky_way & mnemosime
Summary: Jared always tried to support his family in every way he could, that is all he ever lived for. But when he meets Jensen, his life is turned upside down.
A/N: Based on the movie Shelter. written for whenboymeetsboy
Disclaimer: no money made, nothing belongs to me, I don't own any rights about this movie.
Part One | Part Two
Your love is my muse
The paint spread evenly over the rough surface of the wall, hiding the dirty white under a bright red. Line after line, with each brush, the satisfaction in Jared grew. It felt like a heavy weight was being lifted off his shoulders, finally able to calm down, letting his feelings run through his arm, into the brush and to the wall.
He had been waiting for this so long - for him this was the only way to express his feelings without being afraid to say something wrong or stupid.
When he was a little boy, a pencil and some sheets of paper were his best friends. When it was too much for him, he would shut down, lost in his own little world. He had been quiet back then, and it had been a struggle to break out of this habit. But now, a few years later, his friends always said he talked like a waterfall. Still, it was hard for him to let his feelings out in the open.
The ringing of his phone woke him from his thoughts. He cursed. Setting down the brush, he cleaned his hands on his worn, paint-smeared shirt, before he picked up the phone.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, Jared,” his sister Megan cheered.
“Hey. What’s up?” he asked, even if he knew what was coming.
“Could you watch Juliet?” Megan asked, her voice turning desperate.
Jared sighed. “Didn’t you say you had someone to watch her?”
There was a small silence before she answered. “But she just called; she can’t watch her, some family related things or something like that. Please, Jared,” his sister begged “I can’t leave her with Dad, and I have to go to work.”
“And you don’t think me working is just as important?” He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
It was always the same. It wasn’t like he didn’t love his sister or his niece, but sometimes he wished his sister wasn’t so selfish and would always come running to him when something went wrong.
He sighed again. “When do you want me to pick her up?”
*
The air smelt of salt - it was the scent Jared loved, the smell that made Jared feel free.
Living near the beach, it was clear that he was bound to love surfing. He had never really had anyone to teach him any techniques, so he mostly watched the other surfers and tried to mimic their movements and, over the years, he simply got his own techniques.
He didn’t only surf for the fun and love for it - it helped him to sort things out. It helped him to clear his head and find answers for problems that have been nagging on him.
He let the last big wave wash him to the beach before he took his board and made his way back to his car.
Grabbing his towel, he tried to dry his hair at least a bit, ‘cause wetting his car was out of question. He had just striped out of his neoprene suit and was about to change into something comfortable, when he felt a touch at his shoulder. When he turned, he couldn’t hold back his surprise.
“Chad!” he cheered and immediately wrapped his arms around his best friend.
“Whoa!” Chad laughed as he hugged Jared back “I like myself in one piece.”
Jared smiled and set his friend back down. “What are you doing back in town? I thought you were gone for at least another week or two.”
“Well, what can I say? I just missed you, Sasquatch.”
“Aw! I knew you were a softy under this rough and ugly surface.” Jared grinned, and ruffled Chad’s hair.
Chad scrowled and tried to duck his head away. “No need to get mean. But, well, back to why I’m home early. The whole deal was wrapped up faster than we thought, so I didn’t see a reason to stay there any longer. And I brought back a souvenir.” With that, he chuckled and turned around. He pointed at some guy standing a few feet away from them.
Jared took a close look at him. Short, spiked up hair, a faint sprinkle of freckles across his cheeks and light, clear green eyes.
A hot shiver went through Jared’s body and he could only hope it went unnoticed by Chad.
“Who’s this?” he asked, trying not to sound different.
“That’s Jensen. An old friend of mine. We met by coincidence,” Chad said, and waved Jensen to come over. “He’s been having kind of writer’s block lately, so I thought it would do him good to spend some time here.”
Jared watched as Jensen made his way over to them and stopped at Chad’s side.
“Jensen, this is Jared,” Chad introduced them.
“Hey,” Jared said, and gave Jensen a smile. When Jensen smiled back, Jared could feel the blush burning his cheeks. He suddenly felt pretty helpless - his arms felt too long, dangling from his sides; his legs too long, making him always stand out of the crowd; his hair too messy after drying it with the towel. He wanted to shove his hands into his pockets to get them at least busy, when he noticed that he didn’t wear any pants yet.
Only his shorts. Great, just great. And he had been standing there in his boxer shorts the whole conversation. For him it wasn’t problem, and he knew it wasn’t for Chad, neither, but with Jensen…
He swallowed. What an awesome first meeting.
“So, Jensen. Writer’s block, hmm?” he asked, trying to make some conversation and calming himself down.
“Yeah. It is really hard to write a book when you simply can’t get anything written down. But then I met Chad and he told me I could spend some time here; that will hopefully cure the block,” Jensen said. Jared couldn’t help himself and smiled again.
“Any plans on how long you’re staying?” he asked. Just a casual and normal question, right?
“I don’t know yet. That’s the best thing as a free writer, I don’t have to be anywhere to finish my writings. And, as far as I know, I’m right on season for surfing.” Jensen elbowed Chad’s side with a laughter.
“Jensen loves to surf. I remember him as a kid. He spent more time at the beach than at home,” Chad chuckled.
A silence fell over them and Jared suddenly remembered the not-wearing-that-much fact. He thought for a few seconds about saying something about that he was going to get dressed now, but threw away that thought and simply turned around.
He grabbed his jeans and tried to pull them on hastily. Nearly falling over, he managed to get first one leg than the other in. All while, he felt intense stares at his back and they were definitely not coming from Chad.
Done with the jeans, he pulled on his shirt, which went without any big struggle. Turning back around again, he caught Jensen starring at him, before turning to look away, pretending to watch the people at the beach.
Jared cleared his throat to get Chad’s attention, who was too busy playing around with his phone to notice anything.
“Well, guys. I think I need to hurry now. I promised my sister to pick up my niece,” he said. He really didn’t want to leave, he wanted to stay and get to know Jensen better, but he just couldn’t ditch his sister.
Jensen turned around again and, for a mere second, Jared could see the disappointment on Jensen’s face he felt.
“Your loss, my friend,” Chad laughed, and pulled Jensen into a one-arm hug.
“But we’re gonna see each other again, right?” Jensen asked, and confused Jared with the hope that swung with the question.
“Sure. Why not?” He suddenly felt giddy at the thought of seeing Jensen again.
“Hush now.” Chad made a shooing motion at Jared with his free hand. “I bet your sister doesn’t want you to be late.”
He dragged Jensen down the beach and Jared turned to climb into his car. He wanted to turn around to wave them goodbye, but that would have been weird, so he settled for just pulling out of the parking lot.
The hope of seeing Jensen again soon filled his mind.
*
“Thanks for watching Juliet yesterday,” his sister said as they carried the grocery bags into the house. “You have no idea how much it means to me to know you’re here when I need you.”
Jared forced a smile and tried to stay calm as he answered. “You’re welcome. But you know that I can’t watch her everyday.”
Megan set down the bags and started to unpack them. “I know. And I respect it if you really can’t help but, on the other hand, I can’t see what else you got to do.”
“I am working?” Jared’s temper started to rise. This wasn’t the first time they had had this conversation, and he knew his sister good enough to know that it wasn’t going to be the last time, either. “Just because I’m not going to college yet doesn’t mean I’m sitting around the whole day.”
“Jared, you know that I’m sorry that you didn’t get accepted at the colleges you wanted, but I can’t see why you are still at home. You could have easily attended any other, even if they weren’t famous or good ones. At least you could make something out of your life.”
“You know why I’m still home?” Jared couldn’t hold it anymore. “I didn’t go to college because of the family - to support you and Dad!” She didn’t need to know what he gave up for his family -he didn’t want her to feel bad- but hearing her accusing him for making nothing out of his life, he sometimes wished she knew.
Megan stared at him; an outburst like that was pretty rare for Jared. “That is nice of you and we all appreciate it, but you have to face the truth: you are not really helping with your small job over at Tommy’s and then painting the rest of the day. A real job is what you need; then we can talk about you supporting the family again.”
Jared was seriously impressed by how calm his sister could tell him all that, but it twisted his gut with anger and disappointment. Another minute hearing her saying things like that, and he wasn’t sure what might happen. He simply dropped everything in his hands on the table and left the kitchen for the front door, ignoring Megan calling his name.
*
He didn’t know what he was doing here, waiting for someone to open the door and clutching his folder tight to his chest, his palms getting sweaty. He wondered why he had brought the folder, but Chad had asked for it. Chad was the only one who knew how much Jared cared for art and how important it was to him. Even if Chad was a huge jerk sometimes, Jared was glad to call him his friend.
But Chad didn’t open the door - instead, Jensen did.
“Hey, Jared! Right on time,” Jensen said, and cleared the entrance for him to come in. Suddenly, Jared felt beyond nervous, excitement flaring through his body.
He stepped inside. “Hey. Where’s Chad?” he asked, not really sure what to make out of this.
“He called a few minutes ago. He isn’t sure if he can make it, but he’ll try.” Jensen led them to one of the balconies of the house.
“So, until then, it is just the two of us.” Jensen smiled, and Jared blushed. Just the two of them - should he like it, or should he be afraid? “Beer?” Jensen handed him a cold bottle. Together, they flopped down on one of those huge bed-like sofas Jared loved.
They fell into a small and comfortable silence, sipping their beers and staring into the night sky, clear with stars. Jared looked over. The faint light from the house seemed to give Jensen a glowing; a nice looking glowing, Jared hat to admit.
He shook his head. “So,” he tried to come up with a subject, “you like surfing, I heard.”
Talking to Jensen was great, Jared noticed, after they had talked for what seemed like hours. They had a lot in common - Jensen was funny and he would listen without judging him for his words.
After a while, Jared started to lose count on how many beers he had, but it really didn’t matter, ‘cause the warm feeling deep in his belly was nice and he didn’t want it to go away.
Leaning back and closing his eyes, he took his time to enjoy the warmth that ran over his body. The warmth seemed to have a mind of his own, as it first settled on his stomach and then started to move up to his chest.
He opened his eyes again, and his view was filled with Jensen, just as much as his mind.
Jensen’s hand stayed on his chest, right over his heart, and Jared could swear, through the light, hazy fog in his brain, that his heart jumpred.
They stayed like this for a while, just looking into each other’s eyes. When Jensen leaned down, Jared didn’t know if he could blame the alcohol in his system for not backing away.
But when their lips brushed, it was like his thoughts were blown away.
The kiss didn’t last longer than a second, but Jared felt himself wanting more. He captured Jensen’s lips again and again, a comforting shiver running through his body.
Breaking the last kiss, their eyes locked one last time before Jensen settled on Jared’s side again.
Jared sighed. Spending time with Jensen was really great.
*
“Fuck!” Jared yelled at the white canvas in front of him.
He was frustrated. He couldn’t get anything done, no matter how hard he tried. He sighed and threw the brush with full force against the canvas.
It had been a week in which he hadn’t been able to get anything done. It was like it was stuck inside of him, without any chance to get it out. A week ago he had kissed Jensen. He should feel confused, sad or angry, but he didn’t feel that much at all. Except for this little feeling deep in his gut; a feeling he couldn’t sort out, that was foreign to him. Maybe because he was afraid to name it.
It had been a week in which he had been avoiding Jensen. He didn’t want to face him after what had happened. And what should he tell him, anyway? That he liked to kiss Jensen, but he was sorry that he wasn’t gay? Great.
But still, every night since the kiss, when he laid down, he would feel the warmth moving over him, a warmth that was giving him comfort deep down.
Denial was his best friend, had always been. But was it worth it this time? Denial told him to ignore this small feeling in his gut, because he already knew what would happen if he accepted it. He would be happy, free to be with Jensen. His mind struggled to catch up to these thoughts.
And, suddenly, Jared felt like something sparked up inside of him, setting his body on fire. He was raised to listen to his mind, never let his heart take over. But now, his heart wasn’t playing along with his mind anymore.
He was happy. Truly happy like he hadn’t felt in years. The sparks were now rushing through his veins, making his body twitch in anticipation. Happy with Jensen, yes.
He grabbed his keys and made his way down.
*
But as soon as he rang the doorbell, the fire seemed to dim, leaving him suddenly thinking things over. He was about to turn around, when the door opened.
At the sight of Jensen, he couldn’t help himself and wound his arms around Jensen neck, smashing their lips together. It was enough to wash away his doubts.
A small sigh escaped his throat as the cool bedsheets touched his back. When had he shed all his clothes, he didn’t know, and right now he didn’t care.
It was a tangle of limbs and hands as they rolled around on the bed, sharing wet kisses, their tongues playing for dominance. Their hands skitting over smoth skin, making the other one shiver.
Jared tried to stay still as Jensen pressed him into the mattress, hot, wet lips nipping at his neck, slowly making their way down; blowing kisses here and there, making Jared keen.
Jared tried to struggle as Jensen’s tongue licked playful stripes over his his hips, teasing him until he was feeling like a writhing mass of goo. And, as soon as a wet heat closed around him, he lost all his higher brain functions.
He buried his hand in Jensen’s hair, trying to gain some control, helping with setting the pace. But he failed completely as his nerve fibre erupted into white sparks and he came.
Slowly calming his breath, he felt how Jensen kissed his way back up. His hand still buried in Jensen hair, he pulled him up to catch his lips in a passionate kiss.
His mind had shut down, but his heart was beating fast; a warm and fuzzy feeling setting deep in his gut.
*
Jared wasn’t used to lose track of time, but when he was with Jensen, it happened without him noticing. And it was a feeling Jared enjoyed. He felt happy around Jensen, free.
With Chad out of town again, they could spend lazy days around the house. Sharing kisses, rolling around with laughter on the bed or holding each other close.
“What is it like to be a writer?” Jared asked one morning, his finger drawing sensless patters across Jensen’s arm as then lay there together, facing the other one.
“It is great most of the time,” Jensen laughed. “Except when you get close to the deadline and you can’t come up with anything.”
“Don’t you get any good ideas in L.A.? Or are you more the type for romantic novels?” Jared teased.
Jensen shifted closer until their hips fitted together in a perfect angle - Jared was sure of that.
“Well,” Jensen whispered, his breath ghosting over Jared’s lips. “You seem like the romantic type youself.” He leaned up to press their lips together. When they broke apart, breath heavy and lips deep red, Jensen said something that threw Jared out of any coozy feelings he had seconds ago.
“Come with me back to L.A.”
And it hit him with full force. He would love to get with Jensen out of here, get away from everything and start over somewhere else. But Jensen knew he couldn’t just go and cut the strings that were his life.
“You know I can’t,” he murmured, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to see the disappointed look on Jensen’s face.
“But why? Is there so much holding you here?” Jensen’s voice was pleading, and it hurt Jared.
“My family, maybe?” Jared could have been gone years ago, but his family was everything he had, he just couldn’t walk out on them; why couldn’t Jensen unserstand that?
“Your family? Jared, it is your life, not theirs. You need to look ahead, not always at the same spot. I know it looks difficult and not possible at the moment but, please,” Jared felt a soft stroke over his cheek and opened his eyes to look into those honest eyes he was slowly but steadily falling for, “don’t wast away your life, because your family isn’t able to stand on their own.”
Jared nodded, not able to answer.
*
“Jared?” his sister called from the kitchen just as Jared was about to close the door behind him. Sighing, he re-entered the house, hoping it wasn’t something that would make him too late for Chad’s party.
“What is it?” he asked as he walked into the kitchen.
“You know that I have no problem with it,” Megan said and continued to cut the salad she was working on.
“Problem with what?” Jared was seriously confused. Lately his sister had gone pretty silent when he was around, only calling him once or twice to watch Juliet. Jared couldn’t say he was too angry about that, because now he could spend more time with Jensen and Chad, but it felt strange the same when he didn’t know what was up with his sister.
“With you… and, well, Jensen,” she said in a low voice, like she was afraid somebody would hear it. Now Jared understood the behaviour of his sister.
“And?” he prompted, still not quiet sure what the real problem was.
“I just want you to leave Juliet out of it,” she answered and turned to face him, her face unreadable.
“But what is the problem if she spends time with us? Are you afraid she might turn gay?” he defended himself, taken aback how his sister could think something like that.
“Don’t be silly, Jared.”
“Then where is the problem? She likes Jensen, they get along pretty well, and I’m not going to cut it just because you’ve got a problem with us!”
“I have no problem with you, and what you have,” his sister said, but it all sounded like a lie to Jared.
“Don’t you think I don’t know what you’re afraid of? Of people talking? Saying your brother is gay. That is what you’re afraid of.” Jared’s blood was boiling with anger. “You are afraid that I might getting my own life! That I could leave you, that you’ll be alone in the end.”
The words were out of his mouth before he could think about them. He bit his lip as he said it, his sister’s face changing from surprise to disappointment.
“That is not true, you know that, Jared. I love you and I want to be happy for you, but… maybe you’re confused? Maybe this isn’t what you want and you’ll regret it later,” she whispered and lowered her head.
Jared couldn’t believe his ears. “You think that I’m confused about what I have with Jensen? Then I have to tell you something: I was never that clear in my life before. I always gave my everything for my family, there was ever an I in the discussion, always you, Juliet and Dad! But this time I know what I want!”
“You want to toss your family away?” her voice was thick and sad.
Jared didn’t know what to answer. Really, was he ready to toss his family away for his own life?
Closing and opening his mouth without finding the right to say, he chose the easiest thing to do: run away. He turned and hurried out of the kitchen.
His mind clouded with questions he had no answer to.
*
He couldn’t sit there any longer, hearing Chad telling stupid stories. He got up, ignoring Chad’s questions.
He made his way to the back of the house, to the large garden facing the beach. Sitting down and finally able to think, he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.
Megan was right. He was going to give up the life he knew just for something he wasn’t sure about just yet. Maybe he was really confused, and his heart was telling him wrong facts. But why? Why should all this be wrong? All he had had the last weeks, what he might be able to have in the future.
A small noise next to where he was sitting startled him.
“Hey,” Jensen said and flopped down next to Jared.
“Is it too much asked to be left alone?” Jared asked bitter and tried to wipe away the tears.
“No, not at all. But what is wrong?” Jensen looked concerned and it moved Jared.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this,” he said, surprised how strong his voice was.
Jensen looked over, face barely lit, making it hard to read his expression. Waiting for an answer that didn’t come, Jared continued.
“I don’t want to be just one of your bed stories you can tell. I can’t just get up and walk away with you, throwing away everything I had.”
“Bed story?” Jensen asked in disbelief. “You think that you are just as simple screw for me, to sweeten my stay here?”
“What else am I? Do you see a future for us here? You want me to come back with you to L.A., even if you know that I can’t. You are selfish!” Jared shouted, ignoring that there might be some people hearing them.
“Fuck you!” Jensen snapped and got up. “I really thought there was something- something other than just fucking. I really thought there was-” his voice broke at the last sentence.
“Oh, don’t come with the ‘I thought there was love’ shit. Don’t be so foolish.” Jared lost every control over what he was saying.
Jensen kept silent and Jared just opened his mouth for an apology when Jensen’s answer came.
“You are just stupid, Jared. You ever tried to look for things ahead? I doubt so. You are a blind idiot. Why am I even still here?” Jensen was shouting now, anger distorting his voice. “I wish I’d seen what a bastard you are, then I would have thought three times about falling for you!” With that, he turned and stomped away, leaving behind an even more confused Jared.
*
Part Two
Author: nilsi_pilsifan
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Word count: ~4,920
Beta: the_milky_way & mnemosime
Summary: Jared always tried to support his family in every way he could, that is all he ever lived for. But when he meets Jensen, his life is turned upside down.
A/N: Based on the movie Shelter. written for whenboymeetsboy
Disclaimer: no money made, nothing belongs to me, I don't own any rights about this movie.
Part One | Part Two
Your love is my muse
The paint spread evenly over the rough surface of the wall, hiding the dirty white under a bright red. Line after line, with each brush, the satisfaction in Jared grew. It felt like a heavy weight was being lifted off his shoulders, finally able to calm down, letting his feelings run through his arm, into the brush and to the wall.
He had been waiting for this so long - for him this was the only way to express his feelings without being afraid to say something wrong or stupid.
When he was a little boy, a pencil and some sheets of paper were his best friends. When it was too much for him, he would shut down, lost in his own little world. He had been quiet back then, and it had been a struggle to break out of this habit. But now, a few years later, his friends always said he talked like a waterfall. Still, it was hard for him to let his feelings out in the open.
The ringing of his phone woke him from his thoughts. He cursed. Setting down the brush, he cleaned his hands on his worn, paint-smeared shirt, before he picked up the phone.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, Jared,” his sister Megan cheered.
“Hey. What’s up?” he asked, even if he knew what was coming.
“Could you watch Juliet?” Megan asked, her voice turning desperate.
Jared sighed. “Didn’t you say you had someone to watch her?”
There was a small silence before she answered. “But she just called; she can’t watch her, some family related things or something like that. Please, Jared,” his sister begged “I can’t leave her with Dad, and I have to go to work.”
“And you don’t think me working is just as important?” He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
It was always the same. It wasn’t like he didn’t love his sister or his niece, but sometimes he wished his sister wasn’t so selfish and would always come running to him when something went wrong.
He sighed again. “When do you want me to pick her up?”
*
The air smelt of salt - it was the scent Jared loved, the smell that made Jared feel free.
Living near the beach, it was clear that he was bound to love surfing. He had never really had anyone to teach him any techniques, so he mostly watched the other surfers and tried to mimic their movements and, over the years, he simply got his own techniques.
He didn’t only surf for the fun and love for it - it helped him to sort things out. It helped him to clear his head and find answers for problems that have been nagging on him.
He let the last big wave wash him to the beach before he took his board and made his way back to his car.
Grabbing his towel, he tried to dry his hair at least a bit, ‘cause wetting his car was out of question. He had just striped out of his neoprene suit and was about to change into something comfortable, when he felt a touch at his shoulder. When he turned, he couldn’t hold back his surprise.
“Chad!” he cheered and immediately wrapped his arms around his best friend.
“Whoa!” Chad laughed as he hugged Jared back “I like myself in one piece.”
Jared smiled and set his friend back down. “What are you doing back in town? I thought you were gone for at least another week or two.”
“Well, what can I say? I just missed you, Sasquatch.”
“Aw! I knew you were a softy under this rough and ugly surface.” Jared grinned, and ruffled Chad’s hair.
Chad scrowled and tried to duck his head away. “No need to get mean. But, well, back to why I’m home early. The whole deal was wrapped up faster than we thought, so I didn’t see a reason to stay there any longer. And I brought back a souvenir.” With that, he chuckled and turned around. He pointed at some guy standing a few feet away from them.
Jared took a close look at him. Short, spiked up hair, a faint sprinkle of freckles across his cheeks and light, clear green eyes.
A hot shiver went through Jared’s body and he could only hope it went unnoticed by Chad.
“Who’s this?” he asked, trying not to sound different.
“That’s Jensen. An old friend of mine. We met by coincidence,” Chad said, and waved Jensen to come over. “He’s been having kind of writer’s block lately, so I thought it would do him good to spend some time here.”
Jared watched as Jensen made his way over to them and stopped at Chad’s side.
“Jensen, this is Jared,” Chad introduced them.
“Hey,” Jared said, and gave Jensen a smile. When Jensen smiled back, Jared could feel the blush burning his cheeks. He suddenly felt pretty helpless - his arms felt too long, dangling from his sides; his legs too long, making him always stand out of the crowd; his hair too messy after drying it with the towel. He wanted to shove his hands into his pockets to get them at least busy, when he noticed that he didn’t wear any pants yet.
Only his shorts. Great, just great. And he had been standing there in his boxer shorts the whole conversation. For him it wasn’t problem, and he knew it wasn’t for Chad, neither, but with Jensen…
He swallowed. What an awesome first meeting.
“So, Jensen. Writer’s block, hmm?” he asked, trying to make some conversation and calming himself down.
“Yeah. It is really hard to write a book when you simply can’t get anything written down. But then I met Chad and he told me I could spend some time here; that will hopefully cure the block,” Jensen said. Jared couldn’t help himself and smiled again.
“Any plans on how long you’re staying?” he asked. Just a casual and normal question, right?
“I don’t know yet. That’s the best thing as a free writer, I don’t have to be anywhere to finish my writings. And, as far as I know, I’m right on season for surfing.” Jensen elbowed Chad’s side with a laughter.
“Jensen loves to surf. I remember him as a kid. He spent more time at the beach than at home,” Chad chuckled.
A silence fell over them and Jared suddenly remembered the not-wearing-that-much fact. He thought for a few seconds about saying something about that he was going to get dressed now, but threw away that thought and simply turned around.
He grabbed his jeans and tried to pull them on hastily. Nearly falling over, he managed to get first one leg than the other in. All while, he felt intense stares at his back and they were definitely not coming from Chad.
Done with the jeans, he pulled on his shirt, which went without any big struggle. Turning back around again, he caught Jensen starring at him, before turning to look away, pretending to watch the people at the beach.
Jared cleared his throat to get Chad’s attention, who was too busy playing around with his phone to notice anything.
“Well, guys. I think I need to hurry now. I promised my sister to pick up my niece,” he said. He really didn’t want to leave, he wanted to stay and get to know Jensen better, but he just couldn’t ditch his sister.
Jensen turned around again and, for a mere second, Jared could see the disappointment on Jensen’s face he felt.
“Your loss, my friend,” Chad laughed, and pulled Jensen into a one-arm hug.
“But we’re gonna see each other again, right?” Jensen asked, and confused Jared with the hope that swung with the question.
“Sure. Why not?” He suddenly felt giddy at the thought of seeing Jensen again.
“Hush now.” Chad made a shooing motion at Jared with his free hand. “I bet your sister doesn’t want you to be late.”
He dragged Jensen down the beach and Jared turned to climb into his car. He wanted to turn around to wave them goodbye, but that would have been weird, so he settled for just pulling out of the parking lot.
The hope of seeing Jensen again soon filled his mind.
*
“Thanks for watching Juliet yesterday,” his sister said as they carried the grocery bags into the house. “You have no idea how much it means to me to know you’re here when I need you.”
Jared forced a smile and tried to stay calm as he answered. “You’re welcome. But you know that I can’t watch her everyday.”
Megan set down the bags and started to unpack them. “I know. And I respect it if you really can’t help but, on the other hand, I can’t see what else you got to do.”
“I am working?” Jared’s temper started to rise. This wasn’t the first time they had had this conversation, and he knew his sister good enough to know that it wasn’t going to be the last time, either. “Just because I’m not going to college yet doesn’t mean I’m sitting around the whole day.”
“Jared, you know that I’m sorry that you didn’t get accepted at the colleges you wanted, but I can’t see why you are still at home. You could have easily attended any other, even if they weren’t famous or good ones. At least you could make something out of your life.”
“You know why I’m still home?” Jared couldn’t hold it anymore. “I didn’t go to college because of the family - to support you and Dad!” She didn’t need to know what he gave up for his family -he didn’t want her to feel bad- but hearing her accusing him for making nothing out of his life, he sometimes wished she knew.
Megan stared at him; an outburst like that was pretty rare for Jared. “That is nice of you and we all appreciate it, but you have to face the truth: you are not really helping with your small job over at Tommy’s and then painting the rest of the day. A real job is what you need; then we can talk about you supporting the family again.”
Jared was seriously impressed by how calm his sister could tell him all that, but it twisted his gut with anger and disappointment. Another minute hearing her saying things like that, and he wasn’t sure what might happen. He simply dropped everything in his hands on the table and left the kitchen for the front door, ignoring Megan calling his name.
*
He didn’t know what he was doing here, waiting for someone to open the door and clutching his folder tight to his chest, his palms getting sweaty. He wondered why he had brought the folder, but Chad had asked for it. Chad was the only one who knew how much Jared cared for art and how important it was to him. Even if Chad was a huge jerk sometimes, Jared was glad to call him his friend.
But Chad didn’t open the door - instead, Jensen did.
“Hey, Jared! Right on time,” Jensen said, and cleared the entrance for him to come in. Suddenly, Jared felt beyond nervous, excitement flaring through his body.
He stepped inside. “Hey. Where’s Chad?” he asked, not really sure what to make out of this.
“He called a few minutes ago. He isn’t sure if he can make it, but he’ll try.” Jensen led them to one of the balconies of the house.
“So, until then, it is just the two of us.” Jensen smiled, and Jared blushed. Just the two of them - should he like it, or should he be afraid? “Beer?” Jensen handed him a cold bottle. Together, they flopped down on one of those huge bed-like sofas Jared loved.
They fell into a small and comfortable silence, sipping their beers and staring into the night sky, clear with stars. Jared looked over. The faint light from the house seemed to give Jensen a glowing; a nice looking glowing, Jared hat to admit.
He shook his head. “So,” he tried to come up with a subject, “you like surfing, I heard.”
Talking to Jensen was great, Jared noticed, after they had talked for what seemed like hours. They had a lot in common - Jensen was funny and he would listen without judging him for his words.
After a while, Jared started to lose count on how many beers he had, but it really didn’t matter, ‘cause the warm feeling deep in his belly was nice and he didn’t want it to go away.
Leaning back and closing his eyes, he took his time to enjoy the warmth that ran over his body. The warmth seemed to have a mind of his own, as it first settled on his stomach and then started to move up to his chest.
He opened his eyes again, and his view was filled with Jensen, just as much as his mind.
Jensen’s hand stayed on his chest, right over his heart, and Jared could swear, through the light, hazy fog in his brain, that his heart jumpred.
They stayed like this for a while, just looking into each other’s eyes. When Jensen leaned down, Jared didn’t know if he could blame the alcohol in his system for not backing away.
But when their lips brushed, it was like his thoughts were blown away.
The kiss didn’t last longer than a second, but Jared felt himself wanting more. He captured Jensen’s lips again and again, a comforting shiver running through his body.
Breaking the last kiss, their eyes locked one last time before Jensen settled on Jared’s side again.
Jared sighed. Spending time with Jensen was really great.
*
“Fuck!” Jared yelled at the white canvas in front of him.
He was frustrated. He couldn’t get anything done, no matter how hard he tried. He sighed and threw the brush with full force against the canvas.
It had been a week in which he hadn’t been able to get anything done. It was like it was stuck inside of him, without any chance to get it out. A week ago he had kissed Jensen. He should feel confused, sad or angry, but he didn’t feel that much at all. Except for this little feeling deep in his gut; a feeling he couldn’t sort out, that was foreign to him. Maybe because he was afraid to name it.
It had been a week in which he had been avoiding Jensen. He didn’t want to face him after what had happened. And what should he tell him, anyway? That he liked to kiss Jensen, but he was sorry that he wasn’t gay? Great.
But still, every night since the kiss, when he laid down, he would feel the warmth moving over him, a warmth that was giving him comfort deep down.
Denial was his best friend, had always been. But was it worth it this time? Denial told him to ignore this small feeling in his gut, because he already knew what would happen if he accepted it. He would be happy, free to be with Jensen. His mind struggled to catch up to these thoughts.
And, suddenly, Jared felt like something sparked up inside of him, setting his body on fire. He was raised to listen to his mind, never let his heart take over. But now, his heart wasn’t playing along with his mind anymore.
He was happy. Truly happy like he hadn’t felt in years. The sparks were now rushing through his veins, making his body twitch in anticipation. Happy with Jensen, yes.
He grabbed his keys and made his way down.
*
But as soon as he rang the doorbell, the fire seemed to dim, leaving him suddenly thinking things over. He was about to turn around, when the door opened.
At the sight of Jensen, he couldn’t help himself and wound his arms around Jensen neck, smashing their lips together. It was enough to wash away his doubts.
A small sigh escaped his throat as the cool bedsheets touched his back. When had he shed all his clothes, he didn’t know, and right now he didn’t care.
It was a tangle of limbs and hands as they rolled around on the bed, sharing wet kisses, their tongues playing for dominance. Their hands skitting over smoth skin, making the other one shiver.
Jared tried to stay still as Jensen pressed him into the mattress, hot, wet lips nipping at his neck, slowly making their way down; blowing kisses here and there, making Jared keen.
Jared tried to struggle as Jensen’s tongue licked playful stripes over his his hips, teasing him until he was feeling like a writhing mass of goo. And, as soon as a wet heat closed around him, he lost all his higher brain functions.
He buried his hand in Jensen’s hair, trying to gain some control, helping with setting the pace. But he failed completely as his nerve fibre erupted into white sparks and he came.
Slowly calming his breath, he felt how Jensen kissed his way back up. His hand still buried in Jensen hair, he pulled him up to catch his lips in a passionate kiss.
His mind had shut down, but his heart was beating fast; a warm and fuzzy feeling setting deep in his gut.
*
Jared wasn’t used to lose track of time, but when he was with Jensen, it happened without him noticing. And it was a feeling Jared enjoyed. He felt happy around Jensen, free.
With Chad out of town again, they could spend lazy days around the house. Sharing kisses, rolling around with laughter on the bed or holding each other close.
“What is it like to be a writer?” Jared asked one morning, his finger drawing sensless patters across Jensen’s arm as then lay there together, facing the other one.
“It is great most of the time,” Jensen laughed. “Except when you get close to the deadline and you can’t come up with anything.”
“Don’t you get any good ideas in L.A.? Or are you more the type for romantic novels?” Jared teased.
Jensen shifted closer until their hips fitted together in a perfect angle - Jared was sure of that.
“Well,” Jensen whispered, his breath ghosting over Jared’s lips. “You seem like the romantic type youself.” He leaned up to press their lips together. When they broke apart, breath heavy and lips deep red, Jensen said something that threw Jared out of any coozy feelings he had seconds ago.
“Come with me back to L.A.”
And it hit him with full force. He would love to get with Jensen out of here, get away from everything and start over somewhere else. But Jensen knew he couldn’t just go and cut the strings that were his life.
“You know I can’t,” he murmured, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to see the disappointed look on Jensen’s face.
“But why? Is there so much holding you here?” Jensen’s voice was pleading, and it hurt Jared.
“My family, maybe?” Jared could have been gone years ago, but his family was everything he had, he just couldn’t walk out on them; why couldn’t Jensen unserstand that?
“Your family? Jared, it is your life, not theirs. You need to look ahead, not always at the same spot. I know it looks difficult and not possible at the moment but, please,” Jared felt a soft stroke over his cheek and opened his eyes to look into those honest eyes he was slowly but steadily falling for, “don’t wast away your life, because your family isn’t able to stand on their own.”
Jared nodded, not able to answer.
*
“Jared?” his sister called from the kitchen just as Jared was about to close the door behind him. Sighing, he re-entered the house, hoping it wasn’t something that would make him too late for Chad’s party.
“What is it?” he asked as he walked into the kitchen.
“You know that I have no problem with it,” Megan said and continued to cut the salad she was working on.
“Problem with what?” Jared was seriously confused. Lately his sister had gone pretty silent when he was around, only calling him once or twice to watch Juliet. Jared couldn’t say he was too angry about that, because now he could spend more time with Jensen and Chad, but it felt strange the same when he didn’t know what was up with his sister.
“With you… and, well, Jensen,” she said in a low voice, like she was afraid somebody would hear it. Now Jared understood the behaviour of his sister.
“And?” he prompted, still not quiet sure what the real problem was.
“I just want you to leave Juliet out of it,” she answered and turned to face him, her face unreadable.
“But what is the problem if she spends time with us? Are you afraid she might turn gay?” he defended himself, taken aback how his sister could think something like that.
“Don’t be silly, Jared.”
“Then where is the problem? She likes Jensen, they get along pretty well, and I’m not going to cut it just because you’ve got a problem with us!”
“I have no problem with you, and what you have,” his sister said, but it all sounded like a lie to Jared.
“Don’t you think I don’t know what you’re afraid of? Of people talking? Saying your brother is gay. That is what you’re afraid of.” Jared’s blood was boiling with anger. “You are afraid that I might getting my own life! That I could leave you, that you’ll be alone in the end.”
The words were out of his mouth before he could think about them. He bit his lip as he said it, his sister’s face changing from surprise to disappointment.
“That is not true, you know that, Jared. I love you and I want to be happy for you, but… maybe you’re confused? Maybe this isn’t what you want and you’ll regret it later,” she whispered and lowered her head.
Jared couldn’t believe his ears. “You think that I’m confused about what I have with Jensen? Then I have to tell you something: I was never that clear in my life before. I always gave my everything for my family, there was ever an I in the discussion, always you, Juliet and Dad! But this time I know what I want!”
“You want to toss your family away?” her voice was thick and sad.
Jared didn’t know what to answer. Really, was he ready to toss his family away for his own life?
Closing and opening his mouth without finding the right to say, he chose the easiest thing to do: run away. He turned and hurried out of the kitchen.
His mind clouded with questions he had no answer to.
*
He couldn’t sit there any longer, hearing Chad telling stupid stories. He got up, ignoring Chad’s questions.
He made his way to the back of the house, to the large garden facing the beach. Sitting down and finally able to think, he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.
Megan was right. He was going to give up the life he knew just for something he wasn’t sure about just yet. Maybe he was really confused, and his heart was telling him wrong facts. But why? Why should all this be wrong? All he had had the last weeks, what he might be able to have in the future.
A small noise next to where he was sitting startled him.
“Hey,” Jensen said and flopped down next to Jared.
“Is it too much asked to be left alone?” Jared asked bitter and tried to wipe away the tears.
“No, not at all. But what is wrong?” Jensen looked concerned and it moved Jared.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this,” he said, surprised how strong his voice was.
Jensen looked over, face barely lit, making it hard to read his expression. Waiting for an answer that didn’t come, Jared continued.
“I don’t want to be just one of your bed stories you can tell. I can’t just get up and walk away with you, throwing away everything I had.”
“Bed story?” Jensen asked in disbelief. “You think that you are just as simple screw for me, to sweeten my stay here?”
“What else am I? Do you see a future for us here? You want me to come back with you to L.A., even if you know that I can’t. You are selfish!” Jared shouted, ignoring that there might be some people hearing them.
“Fuck you!” Jensen snapped and got up. “I really thought there was something- something other than just fucking. I really thought there was-” his voice broke at the last sentence.
“Oh, don’t come with the ‘I thought there was love’ shit. Don’t be so foolish.” Jared lost every control over what he was saying.
Jensen kept silent and Jared just opened his mouth for an apology when Jensen’s answer came.
“You are just stupid, Jared. You ever tried to look for things ahead? I doubt so. You are a blind idiot. Why am I even still here?” Jensen was shouting now, anger distorting his voice. “I wish I’d seen what a bastard you are, then I would have thought three times about falling for you!” With that, he turned and stomped away, leaving behind an even more confused Jared.
*
Part Two