The fallen knight.
I just locked down the last two entries to friends only, in the interest of letting her down as gently as I can. After the voice mail she left me today I fear it may come to that soon. I don't want her to stumble upon anything that should be said in person, or that should be said in a MUCH nicer way. She doesn't know about this journal, but just in case. (Edit, 06/26, they're public again.)
Come to think of it, the only person I've known in the real world who knows about it is Marianne.
It's funny, I always imagined the girls I knew realizing someday that I was the one that would be there, never hurt them, love them more than anyone. All of that white knight bullshit that goes through my head. Although, I really was always the one they would come to when they had no where else to turn. When their worlds seemed to be collapsing, mine was the shoulder they cried on. Jessica, Becky, Kiki, Marianne, I loved them all at some point. But once they could stand on their own again, my usefulness ended. I've come to accept that as my role, as much as I hate picking someone up just to hand them to someone else. I know it's selfish, but it would be nice to be the one who's loved for once.
So here we are, it's happening. One seems to have come to that conclusion and tracked me down. Yet I've no interest because she's built a life in our time apart that I don't wish to be a part of. I keep proving to myself that I'm not as noble as I think. Either that or I'm simply a fool. Probably both.
I... don't know what else to say.
Come to think of it, the only person I've known in the real world who knows about it is Marianne.
It's funny, I always imagined the girls I knew realizing someday that I was the one that would be there, never hurt them, love them more than anyone. All of that white knight bullshit that goes through my head. Although, I really was always the one they would come to when they had no where else to turn. When their worlds seemed to be collapsing, mine was the shoulder they cried on. Jessica, Becky, Kiki, Marianne, I loved them all at some point. But once they could stand on their own again, my usefulness ended. I've come to accept that as my role, as much as I hate picking someone up just to hand them to someone else. I know it's selfish, but it would be nice to be the one who's loved for once.
So here we are, it's happening. One seems to have come to that conclusion and tracked me down. Yet I've no interest because she's built a life in our time apart that I don't wish to be a part of. I keep proving to myself that I'm not as noble as I think. Either that or I'm simply a fool. Probably both.
I... don't know what else to say.