Fuck it
I feel so lonely, as people often do. Seems odd, considering you are surrounded by people. Anyways, I just feel really shitty, in a limbo. Whiny, maybe. Everybody's got a chip now and again, right? Maybe it is just the season of giving that makes me crazy. HA season of giving and being greedy, is more like it. I am so super stressed out, too many things to take care of. I fucking hate it. I hate where I am at right now in alot of ways. Financially, physically, mentally, socially, regionally, ugh. There is not much much to look foward to, except yet another defeating day. How fucking grand, another useless day closer to dying. Why can't it come sooner. I just feel like I have no place, and no reason for being here. What the fuck will I ever accomplish? Am I ever going to REALLY care enough to make something of myself? Will I figure out what I want or even get it? I am so pathetic. It hurts so much sometimes. I just want to cut up my entire body into little pieces, kinda hard to do, I guess I wouldn't get very far. I want to destroy me. Maybe just kill the old, and try to have a rebirth? Oh I am not supposed to say I dunno anymore..... OK..... I feel worthless, stupid, fuck everything. I am fearfull of never finding the place I want to be. I could search for ever and never get anywhere. I always seem to go down the wrong fork in the road. Or I think it is the wrong one because it takes to long and I go back and end up going the wrong way, to meet the dead end. It's always the same old story, I am not enough for people or too much for them. I cannot find my happy medium. Maybe some people never get that. I often wonder if people are born just to be statistics, suicides or garbage. Just here to make some numbers, more money for someone else. Just a paper in some forgotten file. Who the fuck would care anyhow. If I don't who is going to? No one I suppose. I just want to be taken away, flee. But I have to many responsibilities, to many things that need to be done. To many people that need someone to lean on. I have no one. A fucking computer is what I have. I fucking hate myself. I can see why no one cares. They don't get it anyhow. I guess I don't always feel this way. Sometimes I think,why DON'T people like me, sometimes I really like myself. I am not a horrible person, just not right either. I wish I could slash every bit away.