Unannounced
An entry for LJ Idol, season 8, topic 3: "Coprolite." A speculative conversation based on a story that's way too close to home.
You certainly look surprised. Which I don't follow, exactly. I used to be in the neighborhood this time every year, right? You remember. I'm here for the same reason I'm always here.
...you mean why am I here, at your hotel room?
Well. Like I said. Same as it ever was:
I'm here. For the same reason. I'm always here.
Oh, right. The kids. The program. That was certainly it in the beginning, and still a lot of it for a long time. But they never really listened to me, you know? I busted my ass for ten years to turn that group around, and they passed me smooth over to run it.
They don't even remember that if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have you. And you wouldn't have that award...that one that shouldn't mean so much, but never meant more than the day I knew I would never get it.
And I seem to remember that you? Didn't even want to do this thing at first. You were doing me a favor, being a friend, right?
...no. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m not saying this well...look, you never dreamed that you would fall in love with it, right? But I knew. I knew if I got you in once, you would be hooked, just like I was. Every year it’s new and fresh, and I bet if we looked around, we’d find that we kick-started a lot of dreams and a lot of careers.
Yeah, of course I miss it. Sometimes like you wouldn’t believe. But it’s not the same, is it. Not since they got rid of her, and no one else can do what she did. I’m happy that they still have you - the kids, the people that do it right.
...so what’s the other reason?
Come on, now. I don’t really have to say it. I...
...yeah. I did come here to say it. But then, when it came to you, subtle was never entirely my strong suit.
Really? Thanks, I guess. I just did what seemed best at the time. I was OK with a few people knowing I was a walking, talking crush monster, but I didn’t think it needed to get out.
No, I don’t 100% believe you. I think you didn’t think it was so bad because you were doing a lot of the same things.
I didn’t believe it at first, that’s why. I was so used to being wrong about signals from guys that it was a little hard to discern for a few years. Even though - admit it - there were a couple of times where there wasn’t any doubt.
Oh, come on. Within that first year, honey. You would meet me for lunch every couple of weeks. We spent all our free time at the conference together that time. All of it. Did you think I forgot? Do you really not remember me sitting on the other bed in your room that night, watching Eddie Izzard and SNL, trying not to come out of my skin?
That’s what I thought.
Of course you didn’t. You didn’t lay a finger on me. Because you know as well as I do that a friendly hug in front of a group is a different thing entirely than even squeezing my hand when no one else is around.
We know each other far too well for you to ask me a question that stupid.
Just because you want to hear the answer? Fine. Because I was a different person then. Because I gave a damn what people thought then. Because I had some very innocent ideas about morality that I’m no longer burdened with.
Because I was terrified of losing what little you were willing to give me.
Why now? You mean, other than the fact that dredging up ancient shit is one of my special gifts?
Yes, I’m married. And so are you, which, for the record, is when I actually gave up.
Hell no, I don’t cheat. Whether or not you do is a moot point. I know nothing is ever going to happen. Yes, he is great for me. I adore him, and we’re happy. And you, honey, you have a beautiful little life and beautiful little girls. Changed morals or no, I would never get in the way of that.
Why. Now.
Because after 15 intervening years of being with other people, you are still where my thoughts go when I can’t sleep. When I see your name online. When I come here for the weekend. Because when I dream about you, I wake up knowing that the things you say to me there are the unvarnished truth.
Because everything I wrote about you sounded ridiculous until I decided to just. fucking. say it to you.
I don’t want anything. I’m not asking you for anything. See, I’ve accepted that it will never be over for me. Maybe not for you, either. But - wait - just let me finish.
I’ve also accepted that I have all I’ll ever have with you. This. Is it. With you standing over there, trying to figure out how to pretend and let it show at the same time. With me putting every ounce of my heart into telling you how I feel from ten feet or 300 miles away, and almost always without actually saying anything.
All I knew was that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life...not saying anything.
It’s done now. Now I know I can keep going with what I have and not feel like a fool. If the world had been different - if you had, if I had - maybe it would be a different story. Maybe in some parallel universe, you and I are already living a happily ever after...together.
No, not here. Never here. And -
Please. I can’t. I’m sorry...I just...
Because...you remember what I said about when no one else is around?
We can’t take that chance.
I can’t.
Because I will always want you too much.
Because I will always love you too much.
...you don’t have to. I know.
You certainly look surprised. Which I don't follow, exactly. I used to be in the neighborhood this time every year, right? You remember. I'm here for the same reason I'm always here.
...you mean why am I here, at your hotel room?
Well. Like I said. Same as it ever was:
I'm here. For the same reason. I'm always here.
Oh, right. The kids. The program. That was certainly it in the beginning, and still a lot of it for a long time. But they never really listened to me, you know? I busted my ass for ten years to turn that group around, and they passed me smooth over to run it.
They don't even remember that if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have you. And you wouldn't have that award...that one that shouldn't mean so much, but never meant more than the day I knew I would never get it.
And I seem to remember that you? Didn't even want to do this thing at first. You were doing me a favor, being a friend, right?
...no. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m not saying this well...look, you never dreamed that you would fall in love with it, right? But I knew. I knew if I got you in once, you would be hooked, just like I was. Every year it’s new and fresh, and I bet if we looked around, we’d find that we kick-started a lot of dreams and a lot of careers.
Yeah, of course I miss it. Sometimes like you wouldn’t believe. But it’s not the same, is it. Not since they got rid of her, and no one else can do what she did. I’m happy that they still have you - the kids, the people that do it right.
...so what’s the other reason?
Come on, now. I don’t really have to say it. I...
...yeah. I did come here to say it. But then, when it came to you, subtle was never entirely my strong suit.
Really? Thanks, I guess. I just did what seemed best at the time. I was OK with a few people knowing I was a walking, talking crush monster, but I didn’t think it needed to get out.
No, I don’t 100% believe you. I think you didn’t think it was so bad because you were doing a lot of the same things.
I didn’t believe it at first, that’s why. I was so used to being wrong about signals from guys that it was a little hard to discern for a few years. Even though - admit it - there were a couple of times where there wasn’t any doubt.
Oh, come on. Within that first year, honey. You would meet me for lunch every couple of weeks. We spent all our free time at the conference together that time. All of it. Did you think I forgot? Do you really not remember me sitting on the other bed in your room that night, watching Eddie Izzard and SNL, trying not to come out of my skin?
That’s what I thought.
Of course you didn’t. You didn’t lay a finger on me. Because you know as well as I do that a friendly hug in front of a group is a different thing entirely than even squeezing my hand when no one else is around.
We know each other far too well for you to ask me a question that stupid.
Just because you want to hear the answer? Fine. Because I was a different person then. Because I gave a damn what people thought then. Because I had some very innocent ideas about morality that I’m no longer burdened with.
Because I was terrified of losing what little you were willing to give me.
Why now? You mean, other than the fact that dredging up ancient shit is one of my special gifts?
Yes, I’m married. And so are you, which, for the record, is when I actually gave up.
Hell no, I don’t cheat. Whether or not you do is a moot point. I know nothing is ever going to happen. Yes, he is great for me. I adore him, and we’re happy. And you, honey, you have a beautiful little life and beautiful little girls. Changed morals or no, I would never get in the way of that.
Why. Now.
Because after 15 intervening years of being with other people, you are still where my thoughts go when I can’t sleep. When I see your name online. When I come here for the weekend. Because when I dream about you, I wake up knowing that the things you say to me there are the unvarnished truth.
Because everything I wrote about you sounded ridiculous until I decided to just. fucking. say it to you.
I don’t want anything. I’m not asking you for anything. See, I’ve accepted that it will never be over for me. Maybe not for you, either. But - wait - just let me finish.
I’ve also accepted that I have all I’ll ever have with you. This. Is it. With you standing over there, trying to figure out how to pretend and let it show at the same time. With me putting every ounce of my heart into telling you how I feel from ten feet or 300 miles away, and almost always without actually saying anything.
All I knew was that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life...not saying anything.
It’s done now. Now I know I can keep going with what I have and not feel like a fool. If the world had been different - if you had, if I had - maybe it would be a different story. Maybe in some parallel universe, you and I are already living a happily ever after...together.
No, not here. Never here. And -
Please. I can’t. I’m sorry...I just...
Because...you remember what I said about when no one else is around?
We can’t take that chance.
I can’t.
Because I will always want you too much.
Because I will always love you too much.
...you don’t have to. I know.