Drunken ramblings scrawled in my ever present notebook. From a few weeks ago.
In another life I had said no to you.
Never makes sense the next day. To be alone with water - water dancing, angry, choppy; spewing debris onto stone. Walking by the docks - there's a concert in the square. The bass beat too deep, reverberates.
The world sways, nauseous. Like the floating jetty, moves with the surface of disturbed water. One movement there - creak of metal and tension in the stomach as nausea rises. The bass beat too deep, drops.
The canal water the colour of the steps. How simple to just step out there, to fall. Feel gravity give way to liquid. Engulfing - sweeping up my legs, between my toes, into that deep intimacy as though it shouldn't. Chill - shock to the chest as lungs expand on impact. My nose is full, as my mouth; the taste like smell is foul - brown and gritty. My eyes see through water to nothing. Icy hands enclose my head. I'm cold now - fight for breath.
In another life I had said no to you.
I slipped passed the surface -
Found the base and ran.
She was stronger.
Not self-centered -
Stronger than I am.
Able to see the truth
She looks on me with pity now.
That girl I never was -
She saw you and ran.
Ran home to safety;
I was only cold.
I drifted, drowned at your feet.
She would not have needed you
To breath life to tired lungs.
But I was not strong
And fell.
Still falling,
While she flew.
Some imaginary girl;
She would never feel this pull -
Twine deep in my heart
Which tugs, connected to you
By the weight of what you did;
Like the mooring line
To a broken boat,
Collecting scum
And cold clinging weeds.
Never makes sense the next day. To be alone with water - water dancing, angry, choppy; spewing debris onto stone. Walking by the docks - there's a concert in the square. The bass beat too deep, reverberates.
The world sways, nauseous. Like the floating jetty, moves with the surface of disturbed water. One movement there - creak of metal and tension in the stomach as nausea rises. The bass beat too deep, drops.
The canal water the colour of the steps. How simple to just step out there, to fall. Feel gravity give way to liquid. Engulfing - sweeping up my legs, between my toes, into that deep intimacy as though it shouldn't. Chill - shock to the chest as lungs expand on impact. My nose is full, as my mouth; the taste like smell is foul - brown and gritty. My eyes see through water to nothing. Icy hands enclose my head. I'm cold now - fight for breath.
In another life I had said no to you.
I slipped passed the surface -
Found the base and ran.
She was stronger.
Not self-centered -
Stronger than I am.
Able to see the truth
She looks on me with pity now.
That girl I never was -
She saw you and ran.
Ran home to safety;
I was only cold.
I drifted, drowned at your feet.
She would not have needed you
To breath life to tired lungs.
But I was not strong
And fell.
Still falling,
While she flew.
Some imaginary girl;
She would never feel this pull -
Twine deep in my heart
Which tugs, connected to you
By the weight of what you did;
Like the mooring line
To a broken boat,
Collecting scum
And cold clinging weeds.