Some blond gave me nightmares, I think that she's still in my bed
Ahem. Yes. Following yesterdays outburst, normal services shall now resume.
New day, new week. Sun is shining. Paul is upset with me, but you know. You can't have everything. I'm listening to the cheesiest music imaginable (Jesse by Joshua Kadison; currently Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi....Just told Paul he should have his hair done like Jon Bon Jovi had it in the 90's. This did not improve his mood towards me. Next up is Curtis Stigers with I Wonder Why. Oh yes.)
Paul is upset. Justifiably. But I can't help it. Or rather, I could but it's too scary to. I'm struggling to be 'intimate' at the moment. Which is justifiable. I guess. I have flashbacks. It's all in my head just now. But Paul seems to think I should try and work through it rather than avoid it completely. And he's probably right. But I don't want it in my bed, I don't want it when I'm with him. It has no place in our relationship, it doesn't belong here. So because I'm scared of it I avoid sex. Not a good thing, hmm? See that spiral spiraling away down there? Yep. There I am....
This morning when I insisted on getting up he came out with 'but I'm working through all the bad things in my head to get better.' My response was far from rational, what with the storming out and all. 'Don't make out you're some kind of fucking martyr because you're dealing with it, like I'm a hypocrite for expecting you to get better and I won't.' Yeh, not my best moment. I did come back to appologise. Managed to bite my tongue at the 'after nearly 6 years you're getting worse, not better.' Managed to just say 'well I do have a lot on my mind at the moment.'
Bleugh.
I think we shall go for a walk.
In retaliation for playing my cheesefest (and ok, I admit playing 'Love Can Build a Bridge' was taking it a step too far....) Paul has stolen the speaker cable and is playing J-Pop. I'm sure he'll move on to all his electro stuff next.
New day, new week. Sun is shining. Paul is upset with me, but you know. You can't have everything. I'm listening to the cheesiest music imaginable (Jesse by Joshua Kadison; currently Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi....Just told Paul he should have his hair done like Jon Bon Jovi had it in the 90's. This did not improve his mood towards me. Next up is Curtis Stigers with I Wonder Why. Oh yes.)
Paul is upset. Justifiably. But I can't help it. Or rather, I could but it's too scary to. I'm struggling to be 'intimate' at the moment. Which is justifiable. I guess. I have flashbacks. It's all in my head just now. But Paul seems to think I should try and work through it rather than avoid it completely. And he's probably right. But I don't want it in my bed, I don't want it when I'm with him. It has no place in our relationship, it doesn't belong here. So because I'm scared of it I avoid sex. Not a good thing, hmm? See that spiral spiraling away down there? Yep. There I am....
This morning when I insisted on getting up he came out with 'but I'm working through all the bad things in my head to get better.' My response was far from rational, what with the storming out and all. 'Don't make out you're some kind of fucking martyr because you're dealing with it, like I'm a hypocrite for expecting you to get better and I won't.' Yeh, not my best moment. I did come back to appologise. Managed to bite my tongue at the 'after nearly 6 years you're getting worse, not better.' Managed to just say 'well I do have a lot on my mind at the moment.'
Bleugh.
I think we shall go for a walk.
In retaliation for playing my cheesefest (and ok, I admit playing 'Love Can Build a Bridge' was taking it a step too far....) Paul has stolen the speaker cable and is playing J-Pop. I'm sure he'll move on to all his electro stuff next.