(no subject)
All righty, it's 7:15am and I havn't slept in two days, don't know why but I can't sleep and it sucks dick. Just incase anyone was wondering, it sucks dick. I'm tired, I'm overworked, underpayed (unfortunately) and still my mom seems to think I need more resopsobility at the house. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! I've got enough of that right now, more than I can handle but I deal with it so as not to let my mother down. And of course I can't sleep at all today because I have o hold my place and clean then go to work, come home cook clean more and go to second job. Doesn't my life suck? Yea, it does but no matter. I will get through this rough patch somehow.
Although I'm gonna bitch a bit, so bear with me. You know what really bothers me? My mother thinking it's -my- job to wake up my --18-- year old brother for work. He's fuckin 18 for god's sake, does he need me to pick out his clothes too? That is fuckin insane, I can barely wake myself up at a decent time, much less anyone else. And if he ends up being late, it's my ass not his.
Another thing, I want to fucking toture and murder my sperm doner (he's not my dad right now) then bring him back and murder his ass again. He gets drunk off his ass, kay? Then, he pulls this "psychic" shit on me, like he can read my mind. If he could read my mind, he'd see the pictures of how I wish to kill him, which he doesn't by the way. He never wanted to be involved in my life, AT ALL, until I become a member of TPI. Then all of the sudden, I'm his best fuckin friend. I don't buy it. I just want him to stop already. It pisses me off, it hurt my feelings and I don't like it and I want him stop but because he knows it bothers, he won't. He gets this sick fuckin pleasure from hurting people, He's done it to me and all of my family but mostly my mother. I feel bad for her because of that but she's not any fuckin better. All they can do is belittle me, like I don't get enough of that from myself and my sister. I don't need it from them. My confidence is low enough, I don't need to go to the same dark place I was in years ago. I refuse to go there.
I have come so far from where I used to be, and everyone wants to push me back down. I stopped doing drugs, drinking, I stopped plotting and attempting to kill myself, I stopped cutting, my confidence got a little higher once all this happened, then I busted my ass to lose weight to be healthy and -like- how I looked, and STILL ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE. Sometimes I thi9nk it's not good enough for myself, which is terrible, I should be proud of myself for what I've done, what I've been through and I've had to overcome and still I think it's not enough. I think I should do more, and I don't know if it's because I'm unhappy with what I've done or if I'm trying to make other people happy. I don't know which it is but I have to try not get stressed by things at home, so I don't fall 6 feet under rock bottom all over again. Funny thing is, it's only my family and home life that stresses me anymore, my friends could talk toe most depressing thing on EARTH, and it wouldn't affect me half as bad as thinking "if I don't get my chores dome mom's gonna yell at me". My friends relieve me, they help me to calm down without even knowing it because what ever they talk about takes my mind off of what I was mad or sad about. Btw thanks for that guys.
Another thing that has me pretty fuckin down today is it's April 3rd......if Erich were alive and not married to Michelle, this would be our 4 year anniversary. How sad is it that I remember that and let me get me down? It's weird though cause I didn't think about it at all so far this year, till I looked at the date after midnight last night, I relized it and I just started to ball. I miss him so much it's not funny, and I can't bring him back and that is really painful. I hate feeling helpless like this. I want him back, don't care if he were still married and a father or not, so long as he were here, breathing, living like he should be....
Another thing, All the people being negative with Rob need to fuckin quit it. I, personally, don't know if she will come back or not, frankly it's not my buisness if she will or won't. What -is- my buisness, as his friend, is his well being, that's all matters right now. Is how he's taking it, how he's pulling through, no matter how slow he does it. He has to heal on his time but the last thing he needs is negative people, not helping him. You can't rush the healing of a broken heart, I know from my past relationships. If you rush somebody with this, it leaves them with pain and anguish and anger, rage, sadness, all these things that they will have to deal with much later when the pain is worse. So, please people, whip out your paience chain and give the man some time. He will heal, he will move on, evetually, but don't push him. Very simple thing DO NOT push him. It's not good, he doesn't need it, it won't help so stop.
On a happier note, Rob; I'm very proud of you, it's been three weeks and you have come so far. I'm very happy to know that you can at least laugh now. Keep up the good work, remember to smile, hope for the best and please don't forget to eat, and I mean -solid- food.
*thinks for a second* Okay, I think I'm done for now, excuse the yealling and cussing, but I am not a happy camper :}
Will Update Later
the above is the draft from yesterday morning, don't worry I feel better this morning. I'm tired as hell and I need to get more coffee cause I have alot to do today, but here's one bad thing.
I got a call from my friend Wicked at 5am. Her husband left her and their daughter.....for her stepsister. So, I have Dyana over there helping her out, and watching her little girl. Wicked isn't in the right head space to do so. I hope like hell Wicked is okay......heh she can't really be okay, but she can chill and be mediocore to watch Alli (yea, her daughters name is Alli.....Allisyn actually but we call her Alli). Anyways I should get some more coffee and find the phone number for the flower service, cause if Wicked finds her hubby, she'll kill him.....(yes, that was meant to be a joke to lighten the mood a little)
Will Update Later
Although I'm gonna bitch a bit, so bear with me. You know what really bothers me? My mother thinking it's -my- job to wake up my --18-- year old brother for work. He's fuckin 18 for god's sake, does he need me to pick out his clothes too? That is fuckin insane, I can barely wake myself up at a decent time, much less anyone else. And if he ends up being late, it's my ass not his.
Another thing, I want to fucking toture and murder my sperm doner (he's not my dad right now) then bring him back and murder his ass again. He gets drunk off his ass, kay? Then, he pulls this "psychic" shit on me, like he can read my mind. If he could read my mind, he'd see the pictures of how I wish to kill him, which he doesn't by the way. He never wanted to be involved in my life, AT ALL, until I become a member of TPI. Then all of the sudden, I'm his best fuckin friend. I don't buy it. I just want him to stop already. It pisses me off, it hurt my feelings and I don't like it and I want him stop but because he knows it bothers, he won't. He gets this sick fuckin pleasure from hurting people, He's done it to me and all of my family but mostly my mother. I feel bad for her because of that but she's not any fuckin better. All they can do is belittle me, like I don't get enough of that from myself and my sister. I don't need it from them. My confidence is low enough, I don't need to go to the same dark place I was in years ago. I refuse to go there.
I have come so far from where I used to be, and everyone wants to push me back down. I stopped doing drugs, drinking, I stopped plotting and attempting to kill myself, I stopped cutting, my confidence got a little higher once all this happened, then I busted my ass to lose weight to be healthy and -like- how I looked, and STILL ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE. Sometimes I thi9nk it's not good enough for myself, which is terrible, I should be proud of myself for what I've done, what I've been through and I've had to overcome and still I think it's not enough. I think I should do more, and I don't know if it's because I'm unhappy with what I've done or if I'm trying to make other people happy. I don't know which it is but I have to try not get stressed by things at home, so I don't fall 6 feet under rock bottom all over again. Funny thing is, it's only my family and home life that stresses me anymore, my friends could talk toe most depressing thing on EARTH, and it wouldn't affect me half as bad as thinking "if I don't get my chores dome mom's gonna yell at me". My friends relieve me, they help me to calm down without even knowing it because what ever they talk about takes my mind off of what I was mad or sad about. Btw thanks for that guys.
Another thing that has me pretty fuckin down today is it's April 3rd......if Erich were alive and not married to Michelle, this would be our 4 year anniversary. How sad is it that I remember that and let me get me down? It's weird though cause I didn't think about it at all so far this year, till I looked at the date after midnight last night, I relized it and I just started to ball. I miss him so much it's not funny, and I can't bring him back and that is really painful. I hate feeling helpless like this. I want him back, don't care if he were still married and a father or not, so long as he were here, breathing, living like he should be....
Another thing, All the people being negative with Rob need to fuckin quit it. I, personally, don't know if she will come back or not, frankly it's not my buisness if she will or won't. What -is- my buisness, as his friend, is his well being, that's all matters right now. Is how he's taking it, how he's pulling through, no matter how slow he does it. He has to heal on his time but the last thing he needs is negative people, not helping him. You can't rush the healing of a broken heart, I know from my past relationships. If you rush somebody with this, it leaves them with pain and anguish and anger, rage, sadness, all these things that they will have to deal with much later when the pain is worse. So, please people, whip out your paience chain and give the man some time. He will heal, he will move on, evetually, but don't push him. Very simple thing DO NOT push him. It's not good, he doesn't need it, it won't help so stop.
On a happier note, Rob; I'm very proud of you, it's been three weeks and you have come so far. I'm very happy to know that you can at least laugh now. Keep up the good work, remember to smile, hope for the best and please don't forget to eat, and I mean -solid- food.
*thinks for a second* Okay, I think I'm done for now, excuse the yealling and cussing, but I am not a happy camper :}
Will Update Later
the above is the draft from yesterday morning, don't worry I feel better this morning. I'm tired as hell and I need to get more coffee cause I have alot to do today, but here's one bad thing.
I got a call from my friend Wicked at 5am. Her husband left her and their daughter.....for her stepsister. So, I have Dyana over there helping her out, and watching her little girl. Wicked isn't in the right head space to do so. I hope like hell Wicked is okay......heh she can't really be okay, but she can chill and be mediocore to watch Alli (yea, her daughters name is Alli.....Allisyn actually but we call her Alli). Anyways I should get some more coffee and find the phone number for the flower service, cause if Wicked finds her hubby, she'll kill him.....(yes, that was meant to be a joke to lighten the mood a little)
Will Update Later