What's going on with me.....
My god I have no idea where to even start. So much has been going on lately. Rob is having a tough time, and my life has become so hectic I can't be there for him like he needs. I feel terrible about that, all the times he helped me and I can't help him. I'm actually crying right now and I in no way am sure why. Rob is my best friend, one of two that is. I just feel shitty cause I can't help him the way he has helped me. I have given him advice, told him my opinions, thought about his situation in order to give him a better opinion, and still I don't feel it's enough. If I had a car, I'd drive to his house and give him a hug, cause I know he could use one. I've been in a very very very similar situation, James & Jimmy. I refuse to go into detail because I have told no one what happened with James and I won't disclose now, I'm not ready. And Jimmy I won't discuss either because it won't help my crying issue, everyone knows I hate crying. I just wish I could help him more.....
Well, I have three jobs. Babysitter, Chick*fil*a, and my other best friend Aiden's underground bis and gays club he runs out of his basement.......so many jobs and keeping my school work and house resposibility up is tough. It takes alot of energy and time, energy I can't fufill again, I don't get much sleep at all.
Also, Aiden attempted suicide, he got out of the hospital earlier today. I don't know what I would've done if he succeeded. But I am very glad that he's okay and back home, I get to see him tomorrow. I couldn't survive losing very few people in my life. My mom, Aiden, Rob, Dana (even though we don't talk much we sre still close) Alli and Wicked. All are friends, ever my mom is a freind but I can't talk to her about much of anything. It was hard to deal with Aiden's situation while Rob wished for the same. But fuck how I'm doing, I need to focus on them. It's what I'm trying to do. It's not working as well as I'd hoped. I mean, I've known Aiden for almost 8 years and if and when I have a son, he will get the name Aiden, and I've known Rob for almost 5 years. And all the shit I've been through and survived with these two people and I can't help them. How pathetic does that make me? Heh, both have every reason to hate me.
Anyways, I get to go to a paranormal confrence in a city not far from here in April. The ticket cost my dad 65 dollars, and we got into a fight about that. He almost slapped me but I know how to dodge.
And the other night when I was cleaning my room (I was pissed, just after fight with dad, hence why I was cleaning) I found a razor......from when I was a cutter. That temptation was hard to fight, but luckily that was a fight I won. I just handed it to my mom and said "don't let me find that" and walked out of her room. She hid it somewhere. Which is good, I don't need to find it.
I've realized something about myself too. All the things I've been through, the drugs, the drinking, the bad relationships that went from bad to worse to hell, the depression, the suicide thoughts, the cutting, the general unhappiness. I ask for all of it, not that I'm blaming myself technically, but I let all these things and all these people talk ahold of me and ruin me in one way or another. "You are resposible for your own happiness" I always say that but I don't follow, I'm going to try.
Even if I have to mask my unhappiness, I will believe I am happy. I will smile, I will laugh, I will forget how to cry over people that don't love me, don't care for me and never will.
I will push myself to the breaking point to just feel worth something. Because right now I feel so worthless.....
Well, I have three jobs. Babysitter, Chick*fil*a, and my other best friend Aiden's underground bis and gays club he runs out of his basement.......so many jobs and keeping my school work and house resposibility up is tough. It takes alot of energy and time, energy I can't fufill again, I don't get much sleep at all.
Also, Aiden attempted suicide, he got out of the hospital earlier today. I don't know what I would've done if he succeeded. But I am very glad that he's okay and back home, I get to see him tomorrow. I couldn't survive losing very few people in my life. My mom, Aiden, Rob, Dana (even though we don't talk much we sre still close) Alli and Wicked. All are friends, ever my mom is a freind but I can't talk to her about much of anything. It was hard to deal with Aiden's situation while Rob wished for the same. But fuck how I'm doing, I need to focus on them. It's what I'm trying to do. It's not working as well as I'd hoped. I mean, I've known Aiden for almost 8 years and if and when I have a son, he will get the name Aiden, and I've known Rob for almost 5 years. And all the shit I've been through and survived with these two people and I can't help them. How pathetic does that make me? Heh, both have every reason to hate me.
Anyways, I get to go to a paranormal confrence in a city not far from here in April. The ticket cost my dad 65 dollars, and we got into a fight about that. He almost slapped me but I know how to dodge.
And the other night when I was cleaning my room (I was pissed, just after fight with dad, hence why I was cleaning) I found a razor......from when I was a cutter. That temptation was hard to fight, but luckily that was a fight I won. I just handed it to my mom and said "don't let me find that" and walked out of her room. She hid it somewhere. Which is good, I don't need to find it.
I've realized something about myself too. All the things I've been through, the drugs, the drinking, the bad relationships that went from bad to worse to hell, the depression, the suicide thoughts, the cutting, the general unhappiness. I ask for all of it, not that I'm blaming myself technically, but I let all these things and all these people talk ahold of me and ruin me in one way or another. "You are resposible for your own happiness" I always say that but I don't follow, I'm going to try.
Even if I have to mask my unhappiness, I will believe I am happy. I will smile, I will laugh, I will forget how to cry over people that don't love me, don't care for me and never will.
I will push myself to the breaking point to just feel worth something. Because right now I feel so worthless.....