the grief process (reposting this)
I posted this on a journal entry several years back. It was given to me at the time of my father's earthly death. (I really believe there is so so so much more beyond this earthly life!!!)
It may be helpful to repost this for others, so I am doing so.
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NORMAL REACTIONS TO LOSS.... the grief process
Grief is often misunderstood by people who have never faced the loss of a close loved one. If this has happened to you for the first time, I hope the following thoughts and information will help you realize that what you are experiencing is normal... though painful. These painful feelings will lessen as long as you are willing to do the grief work which is ahead of you.
...And grief work is work. It takes courage to grieve... to tell someone, with tears in your eyes, that you had three children and only two are still living; or that you were once happily married, but now you live alone; or, Mother's Day or Father's Day has lost its meaning because your parent died.
Others may feel uncomfortable as they observe your pain... so it takes courage not to run from your pain just to make others feel "okay". Finding others who do understand the pain of grief is important at this time.
Then there is the other side... needing to take a "vacation" from your grief, so that your body can have some relief from the pain. Some people do it by going back to work; others by getting involved in a project or activity. You may only be able to do this for twenty minutes at a time during the first few weeks of your grieving, but even that amount of relief can help.
Later, (the time varies for different people and their relationship to the one who died) the heaviness of grief will lessen, though there may continue to be "difficult days" for no reason at all.
I hope the following information will be helpful at this time:
Possible Normal Physical Symptoms of Grieving
- dry mouth, throat and skin (possibly caused by dehydration from crying - use a lip gloss and cream frequently, plus drink plenty of water)
- loss of appetite or over-eating
- sleeplessness
- sexual difficulties or disinterest
- frequently thinking about the one who died
- a need for sighing (difficulty in getting enough air in your lungs)
- an empty, hollow feeling in your stomach
- the area near your heart can hurt, as if it were broken
- extreme tiredness
- difficulty in maintaining concentration in reading anything
- forgetfulness
- sensitivity to loud noises
- feeling confused (your world just turned upside down)
Possible Normal Emotional Symptoms
- things seem unreal
- you may feel distant from others -- as if no one really cares or understands
- loss of meaning in life (hang on!... the meaning will return, though your life and how you see it may be different)
- crying is healthy and important in healing. (Keeping from crying might cause health problems later. Nature gave us tears to flow, not dam up. Men especially can have difficulty in this area, because they have been taught not to cry. But they do, and it's normal and healthy.)
Feelings Sometimes Associated with Grieving
- shock and numbness (a normal way to react to a loss)
- guilt ("if only's" are natural and need to be expressed)
- anger (often we're taught not to feel angry, but anger is a normal feeling and needs to be accepted and expressed - in a non-destructive manner)
- depression (at times, loneliness and lack of motivation may occur for you - don't worry, at some point your motivation will return)
- relief (it is a normal feeling, especially when the one who died suffered before death... or in a sudden death, where there was no suffering)
Suggestions
- Avoid use of drugs and alcohol - they usually stop or delay grief (which means you'll simply have to face the pain of the loss later on)
- Avoid hasty decisions about the belongings of the deceased
- Put off any major decisions (i.e., moving, financial investments, etc.)
- Even though your patience may wear thin, try letting others know what you need and how to help you (giving them this hand-out may help them to understand you and your needs a little better -- gather strength, whenever possible, from your support system, whether it be family, relatives and/or friends)
Resolution and Readjustment
Please have hope, for even before the grief work is over you will have glimpses of living again without constant pain. But it does not happen overnight, so try not to push yourself. Research shows that "most people" think grieving should be ended by either the day after the funeral or at least a two-month time period. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Depending upon your relationship to the deceased (how emotionally close you were), hard grief may last for several months or more.
The time will come when you will have built a new life for yourself. You will be different, and a "healed scar" will be where the pain once was. You may, occasionally, still feel sad and have a strong need to cry. Go ahead, give in to it... there will be those times.
Saying [goodbye].... [I edited a little here]... to someone you love is the hardest thing to do. My heart goes out to you as you face the necessary pain of grief.
[Written by Ms. Kelly Osmont, M.S.W. She is a Bereavement Counselor in private practice in Portland, Oregon, (503) XXX-XXXX ....