you're a poem of mystery; you're the prayer inside me
personal questions meme (30 days)
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
... a lot of things, but what i'm hating right now is my self-doubt/paranoid belief that when people enjoy spending time with me, it's because i'm the best of a bad situation. my brain goes into analysis mode, draws up everything i've done wrong, and comes to the conclusion that people were just pretending to have fun with me when really they were just too polite to run away. it's bad. i really shouldn't doubt myself that much but i really don't think i'm awesome anymore, so.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
i guess... the fact that i'm not really afraid to talk about anything? for some reason so many people feel like it's okay for them to share their deep dark secrets with me. i don't know what it is about me that is so insanely unintimidating, but eh, it's good i guess.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
hating my dad. three days before he died, he was in pain, i was pissed off and selfish, and i said to the world, "i couldn't care less that my dad has a hurt back." turns out his back was hurting, not because it was a muscle issue (like we thought it was), but because he had angina. heart issues. i don't know if i'll ever be able to properly forgive myself for taking him for granted and for not being a good daughter to him during his last days. it's really like i have a chance know to say sorry, yanno? XD;
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
i dunno. i forgive fairly easily. i just don't forget, unfortunately. =__= i bring up old issues sometimes and people are like, "what, you still remember that?" yeah. sorry. stupid pessimistic brain.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
fall in love and live comfortably with whoever and a small menagerie of pets.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
... silly, but i don't want to have to have my mother die. i'm terrified of it. i know she'll probably die before i do, but... still. i'm not ready to grieve over another parent, not just yet.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
aw, everyone! seriously, every time i talk to someone, i'm reminded once again that life's worth living, that i do have a purpose in the world (to make people smile), and that i'm wanted, even if it's just a little, by someone.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
carol.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
answering this would be like beating a dead horse.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
in a small way, there's always some things about people that i need to let go of. aside from that, everyone's affected my life in some way or another, so i wouldn't want to wish them away.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
i don't get compliments LMFAO i think everyone looks at me and thinks i'm so outgoing and awesome that my self-esteem must be through the roof and ergo i don't need compliments or anything. it's funny 'cause it's totally wrong, as i'm sure that people who have complimented me eventually find out, as i'm so surprised by the compliment that i tend to get all flustered.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
... everything? XD;
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
staind. sarah mclachlan. abandoned pools. to a small extent, third eye blind. ("wish you would step back from that ledge my friend!")
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
oh batman, why must you live in gotham city? come to melbourne instead; we have vegemite! ... no but seriously, i guess my dad did, when i found out that he was cheating on our family with another woman.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
internet. cannot do with it. also, people in general? it's weird, but i really can't form BFF connections with people. the idea of talking to someone every day kills me inside. i think that's partly why i hated high school so much; as much as i love people, i also need a lot of space, and seeing the same people and having to talk to them every single day drove me slightly insane. but i do need people around; without some form of human contact... yeah. again. insane.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
TV. i already do live without it.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
philosophical texts don't count, do they.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
i'm for it, but that's mostly because i'm pro-equality. i don't believe in marriage. sorry.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
... i don't really know how to answer this question since it's so broad. i think i'm mostly apathetic toward both. if you're religious, fine. i'm probably intrigued and want to know more. just don't try and convert me. ditto politics-- i'm intrigued, but purely from an observant, third-party kind of perspective.
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
idgaf as long as you aren't harming anyone-- 'harm' encompassing physical and emotional, and 'anyone' including yourself. that said, i think people should try and demystify drugs/booze. criminalizing underaged drinking and then setting the legal age at 21 (like it is in the states) is just silly; it makes people feel more like they hafta try it when underaged 'cause it makes them wild and cool or whatever.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
...................... oh fuck. i don't. fuck. i would try and see if they were okay, but if i couldn't... i. i don't handle guilt very well. let's just leave it at that.
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
ahh, so many regrets. my main one right now is hitting the cat. i'm not sure i've forgiven myself for that yet. hitting an innocent little animal; what kind of fucking bully have i turned into.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
learned to fight for myself. XD; i can fight for my friends, but when it comes to me standing up for myself, i just turn into a pile of jello. i can't stand conflict, and it's bad 'cause people just walk all over me.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
maybe later. XD
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
1) 'cause the idea of my mom being sad in any way because of me breaks my heart, and 2) 'cause i'm afraid of serious pain.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
oh god, "WHEN". XD i've thought of giving up on life ever since i can remember. it's always been more like... periods of it, though, rather than a prolonged session-- don't think i've been suicidal for every minute of my life! it's been for a variety of reasons. when i was little, it was 'cause i didn't believe that anyone cared about me anyway; a 'selfless' part of me didn't want to continue pointlessly wasting my parents' money, and a selfish part of me wanted to see my parents suffer after they found my corpse. when i was a teenager, i didn't want to live because life was BAWWW TOO HARD. and now that i'm older, i occasionally don't want to live because i panic that my life is going to be this pathetic forever. i'm stuck in an endless cycle of thinking that i'm better and then finding out that no, i've just gone full-circle back round to the same pile of shit. the idea of being me forever is horrifying.
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
i've made some new friends. i'll hafta work to maintain the friendships, but hey, meeting new people is always promising, right? life is... moving, after being stagnant for so long. it's kinda exciting.
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
if it were the former, i'd be terrified 'cause, uh, virgin. i'd be carrying JESUS. :| and if i got someone else pregnant, i'd be very, very amused that i am so 'yang' that i can impregnate someone despite not having, y'know, sperm.
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
there's so much about my physical appearance that i hate, but i think that's really dependent on my brain. so i'd wanna change my headspace to something more positive.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
wow, okay. andy, you can be kinda pretty when you put in the effort. um, sometimes you have moments of bravery that i'm proud of you for. going out there and meeting new people on your own? that takes balls, especially considering that you're normally such a wuss. i'm proud of you for being able to put on a happy face, for being able to seem confident and outgoing even if you were having an anxiety attack just moments before. i'm not proud of you for being an actress; i'm proud of you for being able to muster some belief in yourself, at least enough for you to be able to charm others into being your friend. i love that you're weird and that you think strange things, even if some of those things are extremely negative. i like that you're slowly becoming less fearful. you're moving at an extremely slow pace, but you're moving, and i'm proud of you for that, so keep it up.