STRESS!!!
I wish it was as easy to feel secure as it is to appear secure. I wish I could be as together as I can pretend to be. If that makes any sense.
I'm really good at faking diligence and interest, and I'm really bad at actually having it all together, both academically and emotionally. Even now, when I'm really happy and generally emotionally secure, not a day goes by that I don't feel worried about fucking things up, or feel jealous of someone else's friendship or relationship, or worry about what the future will bring. Aren't I supposed to be full of optimism about all the adventures that life will bring? To an extent, I am excited about all the adventures I'll have abroad, and what I'll do after college, the people I'll meet and the things I'll do. But for every ounce of excitment I have, there is an ounce of fear or angst or self-deprecation to match it.
Is this the way life pans out, forever and ever? Do we just continue to worry and fear and lie awake at night stressing out? Or at some point, does all that end? Or is it just me?
I've taken to doing things I never did before. I clench my jaw, and wake up with sore teeth. My nails have ridges in them, which I learned is a sign of both stress and an iron deficiency, both of which I have. Last night, I was lying awake thinking about all the things I have to do this weekend and next week, dreading going to work tonight and thinking about when I would have time to work out, when I realized that my heart was beating really fast. At first I couldn't figure out why, and then I realized that I was stressing out so much, lying there in the dark, that it was keeping my heart rate up. Great.
I don't really know where to go from here, because I love being here. I love school, I love my friends, I've put down roots here, and I have things to look forward to. But at the same time, all the things that I love here are also stressing me out.
Therapy time again? Possibly. I'd prefer not to, but maybe it's time to go back. I think that if my stress level is high enough that I'm getting physical symptoms, then it's time to do something about it.
Also, if I could learn to stop procrastinating, I'd probably feel a lot better. Of course, if I did ever stop procrastinating, hell would freeze over and pigs would fly over campus in a V formation. I'm so glad I'm going home next weekend - I need a break.
I'm really good at faking diligence and interest, and I'm really bad at actually having it all together, both academically and emotionally. Even now, when I'm really happy and generally emotionally secure, not a day goes by that I don't feel worried about fucking things up, or feel jealous of someone else's friendship or relationship, or worry about what the future will bring. Aren't I supposed to be full of optimism about all the adventures that life will bring? To an extent, I am excited about all the adventures I'll have abroad, and what I'll do after college, the people I'll meet and the things I'll do. But for every ounce of excitment I have, there is an ounce of fear or angst or self-deprecation to match it.
Is this the way life pans out, forever and ever? Do we just continue to worry and fear and lie awake at night stressing out? Or at some point, does all that end? Or is it just me?
I've taken to doing things I never did before. I clench my jaw, and wake up with sore teeth. My nails have ridges in them, which I learned is a sign of both stress and an iron deficiency, both of which I have. Last night, I was lying awake thinking about all the things I have to do this weekend and next week, dreading going to work tonight and thinking about when I would have time to work out, when I realized that my heart was beating really fast. At first I couldn't figure out why, and then I realized that I was stressing out so much, lying there in the dark, that it was keeping my heart rate up. Great.
I don't really know where to go from here, because I love being here. I love school, I love my friends, I've put down roots here, and I have things to look forward to. But at the same time, all the things that I love here are also stressing me out.
Therapy time again? Possibly. I'd prefer not to, but maybe it's time to go back. I think that if my stress level is high enough that I'm getting physical symptoms, then it's time to do something about it.
Also, if I could learn to stop procrastinating, I'd probably feel a lot better. Of course, if I did ever stop procrastinating, hell would freeze over and pigs would fly over campus in a V formation. I'm so glad I'm going home next weekend - I need a break.