(no subject)
Click to viewSo this is probably the most over used song for shit like this but honestly it really couldn't suite how I'm feeling right now any better then it does.
It happened again last night. Suffered another crippling nervous breakdown where no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get myself to stop crying because I couldn't silence the thoughts in my head. The thoughts where you realize you're living a miserable lonely existance and even when you try to fix it nothing seems to help. It leaves behind a feeling of trapped helplessness and the only way to escape it is to disappear inside of your mind just zoning everything out. Yet it leaves you feeling even weaker and more pathetic you try to be strong and you're reduced to what I was last night.
It's frightening in a way i can't describe and it's noticable to the point I've seriously worried some of my coworkers, the people I see maybe three times a week at that yet my own family is oblivious to it or just don't even care. I have tried talking to them before, tried letting them know about how i feel and it was like i wasn't even there.
I tried going out yesterday, saw a movie and to the bookstore stuff like that to get out of the house and maybe escape from life for a little while but it only brought more to light just how alone i really was. I was by myself out doing activities that should be done with friend's.
I'm not near as fiery as i was two years ago. Two years ago I could honestly use the expression I didn't remember the last time i had cried and enjoyed my life but now it's happening so frequently all I can wonder now is where did it go? That spark of independence and life now sizzled down to a few glowing embers clinging to life they barely produce enough heat leaving the area cold and desolate.
I'm no longer the person willing to stand up for myself and defy others but now just somebody who can't even meet eyes and sleeps curled up into a small ball clutching a stuffed animal for the sake of their sanity.
I still try to be okay because if it's one thing that's left of me it's my stubbornness and defiance to let things over come me. It's a battle against myself to stay alive because i refuse to be the coward even if sometimes it seems like the much easier thing to do.
I try to be okay. Like the song I put on the smiles and pretend hoping maybe it will come true or at least believe it will be because it's the only thing you have. I just want to escape from everything. Pack up just my neccesities into my truck and go and not stop until i really find somewhere i feel i belong. Maybe it will happen one day and be the new life i've been looking for and still trying to get. I've been saving up money in my savings account unsure what i'd ever use it for but maybe that.
The expression is life goes on but it's really just one day at a time keeping the nervous break downs at bay and hoping that one that really ends you never really comes even if it seems inevitable. It's the warning smoke before the volcano blows.
I'm sure it is correctiable and I probably just need to be put on something but the last time I'd spoken about it to a doctor they insisted I speak to a therapist in order to properly diagnose it. I hate psychatrists with a passion. Sure there probably are real, true caring ones out there but most are frauds that piss me off. If they honestly cared about your well being they wouldn't charge you a damn kidney to speak to them for an hour sending you into debt and making you more depsessed you go back to them for more. One never ending vicious cycle. I'm a name on a clipboard to them, just another patient in the long line of others they have in the day and I'd bet without that little manilla folder they wouldn't even remember my name the next time I came in.
Eh I think I've rambled enough and I know only one person is really going to take the time to read this but who the hell cares. I can type hell of a lot faster then I can write and keep it legible with my chicken scratch hand writing.
So I guess there's my thoughts for the week or what not and I just hope I can get some proper sleep tonight. My knee rather aches and my hip feels stiff where i'd held onto Ethan so tightly stroking over the soft plush of his nose.
Hope I didn't tear stain him though my pillow might've suffered most the blow.