EH. needed to get stuff off my chest.
This day could be the worst one yet,
I just won't relax I can't catch my breath
Because I'm sick and tired of "you'll be fine"
Well how do you know, can you read minds?
Have you ever felt lost inside
So unloved within that you almost died?
Have you ever stepped out of the light
And realized there's a stranger inside
This just about sums up what I've been feeling lately (i know its out of order so STFU). I've felt in such a strange...off mood it's been rather frightening but when I dont even really know whats going on I can't even begin to start straightening them out and it just adds to the load already weighing on my shoulders. I hardly ever cry, I barely remember the last time I did but yet last night I couldn't get myself to even STOP.
I know what a lot of it is and like before theyre problems I either cant, dont know how, or already tried to fix and it's just come back into my face. People say they need to break from the online life to go back into the real world and sort out their problems but when you've already tried and it just depresses you all over again degrating you into a snot nosed mess sometimes I'd rather sit on the computer and stay oblivious to what is going around me.
The way everybody seems to be pulling away no matter what you do. Parents, friends and just life in general and its hurtful to think so many things have just turned its back on you when you've tried to keep a grasp on it.
I'll drop what I'm doing to help my mom, I'll run the errands for her when its 119 degrees outside or muggy as fuck, carry on whatever conversation she starts with her all without complaint but its more rare for her to tell me goodnight nowadays then it is for her to just dissappear. Night after night I watch as she hugs my aunt and talks to her but will pass me without a glance and click off the lights leaving me in the dark. Or I'll be in my room with lights on, door open in invitation but it doesn't seem to be enough. Family dinners with everybody at the table dont happen much, they usually take their plates into the livingroom to do whatever. She's my mom and supposed to be there but I feel like I'm somehow losing her and its terrifying, to know that the one person usually there really hasn't been.
So take it while you can so you can meet demands
My insanity is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul
So everyone will know in the end
We were never friends
People you thought friends even seem to be falling away whether real life or online and again I dont know whats going on. I've been in a great mood making people laugh or will sit patiently and listen when they need to get something off of their chest but when it comes to me I'm just second nature. I see Brandi less and less nowadays though at the first ring I have my away message up and people online claim to be so yet do nothing to back that fact up. Why even bother saying it if you're just going to go back on your word? I dont know about you but its certainly not how I treat 'friends'. You disappear for four fucking months then have the nerve to get mad at me when I deleted you. Well no fucking shit Sherlock. You're the one in school, use that IQ of yours and maybe you'd understand why. If I need to rant they pass it off or change the subject for them, a few even trying to make it sound like they have it so worse when I'm not looking for pity or sympathy or empathy (whatever) just an open ear to get it off my chest or it builds up end ends up in a post like this. Some people are so ignorant I wonder why I even still have them on my BL anymore. Are you really so blind to how I'm feeling though you are so wrapped up in yourself how could you even notice? The last part applies to several people really though I'm civilized enough not be dropping names. If you know who you are whatever and if not then oh well.
Don't push your ignorance on me
I'm not unrehearsed to your jealousy
And I know you think I don't see the signs
Well how do you know, do I look blind
And another seperate message to somebody, stop. Seriously just STOP. You used to get so fucking mad at me when I would talk about my lines or praise a partner but its all you ever seem to do anymore. You've said yourself 'you know how it feels to be on that end' so one question of just WHY?. We hardly get to play because all I ever hear anymore is '*my pairing this* or *my pairing that* or when you make me feel so arms length to you rather then beside where friends should be. *my partner this* and *my partner that* or my favorite so far 'I'm mad/upset and need to rant but I dont want to tell you. I'll wait till *name* gets home" um yeah thanks. Why even bring it up if you're not going to do anything? You are one that calls me a friend but it feels so one sided sometimes its just jfasldfja. Maybe if you were less oblivious of/to others they could return the favor.
So take it while you can so you can meet demands
My breakdown is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul so everyone will know in the end
I'm the break you're the bend
And the boyfriend whom I dont even know I should bother calling him that anymore. He's so selfish and oblivious to me sometimes I'm not first concern, second concern but third. I've got a good memory but I've seriously lost count how many times he's bailed on our plans to go somewhere or go do something so he could use the money to buy himself shit then the nerve to complain to me he's poor. If it were clothes, shoes or things he needed then fine I'd have no right to complain about that but no he ran himself into debt this summer with that fucking stupid Warhammer game, completely useless unneeded stuff for his Wii and Xbox, 40 dollar special editions of dvds because he cant be satisfied with the normal, buying books from the store full price rather then waiting patiently for a copy to show up at the used book store for less then half price.
Last year on my birthday he'd bragged about taking me out but yet when we got there he flat out said "you need to pay for yourself, a new model came out and I need the money to go with my order" or something of that variation. Um yeah thanks. I've told him this to but like any kind of guy (or just whats going on around me) he hasn't changed. He has no patience he always claims to have and that gets just as annoying. He whines all the FUCKING time about having to wait for movies/books/games, completely flips the fuck out when we're driving around and another driver messes up. Talks for 3 hours about shit but will blantantly ignore me when I want to talk about something of mine. Will even acknowledge it and when I call his name he'll say "I heard you" but chose not to say anything yet gets PISSED at me when I tell him stop fucking ignoring me. LJFASDLJ. Sometimes I would just rather be single again. Men are useless objects that do nothing but lie and bring women down whether they actually intend to or not.
Have you ever felt lost inside
So unloved within that you almost died?
Have you ever stepped out of the light
And realized there's a stranger inside
Part of the weird mood is just self concious issues. I'm not vain, I never thought myself beautiful or gorgeous or the kind of guy getter you see on tvs but at least pretty. I get my hair done (cut, colored and styled) and will do fun little things myself like paint my nails or wear make-up but lately I havent been bothered to do any of that. My hair looks like I rolled out of bed, the polish is chipped and mostly missing, my clothes is ragged looking shorts and a band t-shirt. I just felt like it hasn't even been worth it and the effort because nobody really seems to notice or care and no I dont do it for others, its supposed to be about me but when somebody tells you you look nice you do feel nice and makes that hour worth doing. This summer was on a 'excessive heat warning' and I've been stuck inside since like June, Ive grown antsy and frustrated like a caged animal (when its cool out im hardly ever inside). I've put on weight so my ass is bigger, my thighs are gross and my sides are rolly so I dont even want to be in a bikini to go in the pool.
I got rebilled for a $902 medical bill that was supposed to be taken care of and for something I didn't even NEED in the first place but the nurse wanted to be all professional/fancy which just pissed me and everybody off. I needed blood work and asked about typical things like my calcium, iron and thyroid and left with my fucking DNA all spliced up (literally. It's what it says in the paperwork). What the fuck? Thats seriously going against the patients wishes and on top of that she'd lied. She'd told me she was going to run the test but when I asked what it was she told me 'looking for a protien' so um okay. We have protien in our body and fluids and etc so no biggie but yeah opened up the Labcorp for $902. it wouldve been $1200 but thank GOD some of it managed to be covered. And because it was something not medically neccisary my insurance wont pick up the rest and I hardly have the money for something like that so it'll probably go to collections and I'll get harassing phone calls YAY. Things just keep getting better and better.
On top of all this I've been exhausted.
Pissed off
Annoyed
In pain (my tooth is still kinda hurting, I dont have the money to fix it).
Had an upset stomach.
Emotional.
And about a hundred other things I cant even begin to sort out. Inside my head looks like a giant Rubix Cube of nothing matching up, thoughts/pieces scattered everywhere and the more you try to sort it the worse it just seems to get.
and I know I'll spell/abbreviate this wrong haha but to twistedsafteypin I'm sorry. I know all you ever seem to hear from me is excuses or reasons or something that I'm sure you're getting tired of but I do try. It's hard to focus on somebody else when I can't even get a clear image of myself anymore.
One good thing though is I'm getting more hours at work now. Up to 22 now. Woo so many stand back or my bank account might explode and overflow -_-
I'm sure another one of these will come along soon enough if I get some of those sides of the Cube sorted out. Most ive ever gotten is 3 (the real thing obviously) but still leaves countless others lingering there. I needed to rant about last night when things really were piled up but it was late and I didn't want to boot the computer up. Maybe I shouldve but it probably wouldn't have been as long and I needed to get this out.
People always blame me for my temper and my lack of control of it but its really them who has created the monster and brought it to life.
Have you ever felt lost inside
So unloved within that you almost died?
Have you ever stepped out of the light
And realized there's a stranger inside
I just won't relax I can't catch my breath
Because I'm sick and tired of "you'll be fine"
Well how do you know, can you read minds?
Have you ever felt lost inside
So unloved within that you almost died?
Have you ever stepped out of the light
And realized there's a stranger inside
This just about sums up what I've been feeling lately (i know its out of order so STFU). I've felt in such a strange...off mood it's been rather frightening but when I dont even really know whats going on I can't even begin to start straightening them out and it just adds to the load already weighing on my shoulders. I hardly ever cry, I barely remember the last time I did but yet last night I couldn't get myself to even STOP.
I know what a lot of it is and like before theyre problems I either cant, dont know how, or already tried to fix and it's just come back into my face. People say they need to break from the online life to go back into the real world and sort out their problems but when you've already tried and it just depresses you all over again degrating you into a snot nosed mess sometimes I'd rather sit on the computer and stay oblivious to what is going around me.
The way everybody seems to be pulling away no matter what you do. Parents, friends and just life in general and its hurtful to think so many things have just turned its back on you when you've tried to keep a grasp on it.
I'll drop what I'm doing to help my mom, I'll run the errands for her when its 119 degrees outside or muggy as fuck, carry on whatever conversation she starts with her all without complaint but its more rare for her to tell me goodnight nowadays then it is for her to just dissappear. Night after night I watch as she hugs my aunt and talks to her but will pass me without a glance and click off the lights leaving me in the dark. Or I'll be in my room with lights on, door open in invitation but it doesn't seem to be enough. Family dinners with everybody at the table dont happen much, they usually take their plates into the livingroom to do whatever. She's my mom and supposed to be there but I feel like I'm somehow losing her and its terrifying, to know that the one person usually there really hasn't been.
So take it while you can so you can meet demands
My insanity is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul
So everyone will know in the end
We were never friends
People you thought friends even seem to be falling away whether real life or online and again I dont know whats going on. I've been in a great mood making people laugh or will sit patiently and listen when they need to get something off of their chest but when it comes to me I'm just second nature. I see Brandi less and less nowadays though at the first ring I have my away message up and people online claim to be so yet do nothing to back that fact up. Why even bother saying it if you're just going to go back on your word? I dont know about you but its certainly not how I treat 'friends'. You disappear for four fucking months then have the nerve to get mad at me when I deleted you. Well no fucking shit Sherlock. You're the one in school, use that IQ of yours and maybe you'd understand why. If I need to rant they pass it off or change the subject for them, a few even trying to make it sound like they have it so worse when I'm not looking for pity or sympathy or empathy (whatever) just an open ear to get it off my chest or it builds up end ends up in a post like this. Some people are so ignorant I wonder why I even still have them on my BL anymore. Are you really so blind to how I'm feeling though you are so wrapped up in yourself how could you even notice? The last part applies to several people really though I'm civilized enough not be dropping names. If you know who you are whatever and if not then oh well.
Don't push your ignorance on me
I'm not unrehearsed to your jealousy
And I know you think I don't see the signs
Well how do you know, do I look blind
And another seperate message to somebody, stop. Seriously just STOP. You used to get so fucking mad at me when I would talk about my lines or praise a partner but its all you ever seem to do anymore. You've said yourself 'you know how it feels to be on that end' so one question of just WHY?. We hardly get to play because all I ever hear anymore is '*my pairing this* or *my pairing that* or when you make me feel so arms length to you rather then beside where friends should be. *my partner this* and *my partner that* or my favorite so far 'I'm mad/upset and need to rant but I dont want to tell you. I'll wait till *name* gets home" um yeah thanks. Why even bring it up if you're not going to do anything? You are one that calls me a friend but it feels so one sided sometimes its just jfasldfja. Maybe if you were less oblivious of/to others they could return the favor.
So take it while you can so you can meet demands
My breakdown is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul so everyone will know in the end
I'm the break you're the bend
And the boyfriend whom I dont even know I should bother calling him that anymore. He's so selfish and oblivious to me sometimes I'm not first concern, second concern but third. I've got a good memory but I've seriously lost count how many times he's bailed on our plans to go somewhere or go do something so he could use the money to buy himself shit then the nerve to complain to me he's poor. If it were clothes, shoes or things he needed then fine I'd have no right to complain about that but no he ran himself into debt this summer with that fucking stupid Warhammer game, completely useless unneeded stuff for his Wii and Xbox, 40 dollar special editions of dvds because he cant be satisfied with the normal, buying books from the store full price rather then waiting patiently for a copy to show up at the used book store for less then half price.
Last year on my birthday he'd bragged about taking me out but yet when we got there he flat out said "you need to pay for yourself, a new model came out and I need the money to go with my order" or something of that variation. Um yeah thanks. I've told him this to but like any kind of guy (or just whats going on around me) he hasn't changed. He has no patience he always claims to have and that gets just as annoying. He whines all the FUCKING time about having to wait for movies/books/games, completely flips the fuck out when we're driving around and another driver messes up. Talks for 3 hours about shit but will blantantly ignore me when I want to talk about something of mine. Will even acknowledge it and when I call his name he'll say "I heard you" but chose not to say anything yet gets PISSED at me when I tell him stop fucking ignoring me. LJFASDLJ. Sometimes I would just rather be single again. Men are useless objects that do nothing but lie and bring women down whether they actually intend to or not.
Have you ever felt lost inside
So unloved within that you almost died?
Have you ever stepped out of the light
And realized there's a stranger inside
Part of the weird mood is just self concious issues. I'm not vain, I never thought myself beautiful or gorgeous or the kind of guy getter you see on tvs but at least pretty. I get my hair done (cut, colored and styled) and will do fun little things myself like paint my nails or wear make-up but lately I havent been bothered to do any of that. My hair looks like I rolled out of bed, the polish is chipped and mostly missing, my clothes is ragged looking shorts and a band t-shirt. I just felt like it hasn't even been worth it and the effort because nobody really seems to notice or care and no I dont do it for others, its supposed to be about me but when somebody tells you you look nice you do feel nice and makes that hour worth doing. This summer was on a 'excessive heat warning' and I've been stuck inside since like June, Ive grown antsy and frustrated like a caged animal (when its cool out im hardly ever inside). I've put on weight so my ass is bigger, my thighs are gross and my sides are rolly so I dont even want to be in a bikini to go in the pool.
I got rebilled for a $902 medical bill that was supposed to be taken care of and for something I didn't even NEED in the first place but the nurse wanted to be all professional/fancy which just pissed me and everybody off. I needed blood work and asked about typical things like my calcium, iron and thyroid and left with my fucking DNA all spliced up (literally. It's what it says in the paperwork). What the fuck? Thats seriously going against the patients wishes and on top of that she'd lied. She'd told me she was going to run the test but when I asked what it was she told me 'looking for a protien' so um okay. We have protien in our body and fluids and etc so no biggie but yeah opened up the Labcorp for $902. it wouldve been $1200 but thank GOD some of it managed to be covered. And because it was something not medically neccisary my insurance wont pick up the rest and I hardly have the money for something like that so it'll probably go to collections and I'll get harassing phone calls YAY. Things just keep getting better and better.
On top of all this I've been exhausted.
Pissed off
Annoyed
In pain (my tooth is still kinda hurting, I dont have the money to fix it).
Had an upset stomach.
Emotional.
And about a hundred other things I cant even begin to sort out. Inside my head looks like a giant Rubix Cube of nothing matching up, thoughts/pieces scattered everywhere and the more you try to sort it the worse it just seems to get.
and I know I'll spell/abbreviate this wrong haha but to twistedsafteypin I'm sorry. I know all you ever seem to hear from me is excuses or reasons or something that I'm sure you're getting tired of but I do try. It's hard to focus on somebody else when I can't even get a clear image of myself anymore.
One good thing though is I'm getting more hours at work now. Up to 22 now. Woo so many stand back or my bank account might explode and overflow -_-
I'm sure another one of these will come along soon enough if I get some of those sides of the Cube sorted out. Most ive ever gotten is 3 (the real thing obviously) but still leaves countless others lingering there. I needed to rant about last night when things really were piled up but it was late and I didn't want to boot the computer up. Maybe I shouldve but it probably wouldn't have been as long and I needed to get this out.
People always blame me for my temper and my lack of control of it but its really them who has created the monster and brought it to life.
Have you ever felt lost inside
So unloved within that you almost died?
Have you ever stepped out of the light
And realized there's a stranger inside