Princess - Chapter Two: To the Chaos Inside

[creative_kiss]

Chapter title: To the Chaos Inside
Author: creative_kiss 
Characters: Teru, Yuki, Hizaki, intro to Kamijo and Jasmine You, OC
Chapter Summary: Teru's last dance with Yozora. A grand ball is held. No one in the castle is aware that the ball is really staged to ensure that Princess Yozora become acquainted with her future husband, Prince Kamijo. This introduction to

Comments

[aerysa]

After Yozora had woken him that morning, while all was still dark and still, Teru returned to his room and swore to himself that he would stop loving her. - not necessarily wrong, but personally I avoid using the same word in the same sentence twice, or even in the same paragraph. Like when you say 'all was still dark and still'. (Lol, and I just used 'same' 3 times XD)

Court jokers, were lined up on the east and west sides of the ballroom, pantomiming and juggling and doing flips and tickling guests as they passed by. - should either be
Court jokers were lined up on the east ... (take out the extra comma)
or
Court jokers, lined up on...

Overall, I just have to say that you need to be careful with your commas. You have a tendency to over use them :)

Otherwise, I'm enjoying your story! Something different~

Just curious, but is this supposed to be a 'historic' kind of thing? Their characters definitely fit an era type timeline.

[creative_kiss]

Blah, editing.... :P

It has to be historic if I'm going to keep Versailles "in character". Haha. So yes. Versailles' costumes represent a (according to some people) Ricoco-period dress. On my own, it was easy to conclude somewhere between 17th and 18th century, although my story (somehow, in my mind) represents eartlier 17th century. Not historically accurate, it just sort of appeared that way in my head. I'm not fantastic with eras, haha.

Anyway, thank you very much :) Off to corrections....