(no subject)
So I have to write, only because I am feeling a little bit lost and a little bit bummed out today.
So, as some of you know, I bit the bullet and auditioned for a dance team in the Cleveland area. It is something I have been wanting to do for so long, but never really let myself. I always convinced myself that I wasn't good enough, or that I shouldn't because I'm an adult now and I thought being an adult meant that you have to leave some of that "silly" stuff behind.
About a month ago, a friend talked me into going to a pre-audition prep class. I went, and had an absolute blast. I felt really confident in my abilities, even though it's been a good three and a half years since I have done any major dancing. So, I made a promise to myself. I told myself that I could do this for me. That I could try out, and see what happens.
The thing that sucks is that this past month has been insanely hectic. Had I just been a student in college, I would have had plenty of time to prep and prepare. I kept meaning to get to the gym, to get to another class, to do more for me - but then things just happened like the class I signed up for got canceled, Zumba wasn't on the schedule at my gym for the month of September, and I have just been overwhelmed and exhausted from school for some reason lately.
It also doesn't help that I have been sick all weekend with some kind of stomach bug. Leaving me feeling craptacular and just not myself. (I seriously think I was three shades paler than I usually am this morning) Now, I'm not making excuses. I now know I was the old sick bitch in the room this morning. And needless to say I really bombed the audition. Which has just gotten me to thinking about a lot of things...
I'm glad I tried out. I'm glad I got my ass out of bed this morning, even though I thought that I'd much rather go back to sleep. I'm glad I followed through with what I had set out to do. I'm just disappointed in myself. And disappointed in a lot of things.
Lately I am just feeling restless and lost. The novelty of my first year of teaching is gone, and it's been tough working with an entirely new teacher this year. I somehow was way ahead of the game at the beginning of the year, and now I keep falling behind. I seem to be working on school stuff 24/7. Or just working on things for family, friends, etc. all the time. I'm always "busy" but nothing ever seems to feel real to me.
I guess what I am getting at is that I really feel like I have lost me. I have lost who I am and what makes me. In college it was so easy to say "I am this person." I'm a dancer, I'm involved in these clubs, I am doing this this and this for myself. It's sort of sad to say that I don't fit into most of the categories that I used to anymore.
I mean I find myself asking, "Is this it?"
Don't get me wrong, I know as we grow older as we experience new things, we change. And I'm all fine and dandy with that. It just seems like everyone is having these great changes around me and I am standing still.
I feel like I have lost my drive. Like I have lost my dreams. Is that what happens? We grow up and we just lose the dreams that we used to have. It kills me not to be doing more than I am right now. Not to be doing something that fulfills me. But honestly, I don't know what that is right now. What it is I'm supposed to be doing. I don't even know what I would enjoy doing or be able to do anymore. I know most of this is probably ended up as just total ramble. But I feel like saying "yes I get it" to that John Mayer song about the quarter life crisis.
Albeit then I feel bad about being restless when I have things that a lot of people don't have. I have a lot of good in my life. And I feel terrible saying that I am unsatisfied.
I guess at 25 I'm just frustrated and feeling really blah...
Anyone care to commiserate?
So, as some of you know, I bit the bullet and auditioned for a dance team in the Cleveland area. It is something I have been wanting to do for so long, but never really let myself. I always convinced myself that I wasn't good enough, or that I shouldn't because I'm an adult now and I thought being an adult meant that you have to leave some of that "silly" stuff behind.
About a month ago, a friend talked me into going to a pre-audition prep class. I went, and had an absolute blast. I felt really confident in my abilities, even though it's been a good three and a half years since I have done any major dancing. So, I made a promise to myself. I told myself that I could do this for me. That I could try out, and see what happens.
The thing that sucks is that this past month has been insanely hectic. Had I just been a student in college, I would have had plenty of time to prep and prepare. I kept meaning to get to the gym, to get to another class, to do more for me - but then things just happened like the class I signed up for got canceled, Zumba wasn't on the schedule at my gym for the month of September, and I have just been overwhelmed and exhausted from school for some reason lately.
It also doesn't help that I have been sick all weekend with some kind of stomach bug. Leaving me feeling craptacular and just not myself. (I seriously think I was three shades paler than I usually am this morning) Now, I'm not making excuses. I now know I was the old sick bitch in the room this morning. And needless to say I really bombed the audition. Which has just gotten me to thinking about a lot of things...
I'm glad I tried out. I'm glad I got my ass out of bed this morning, even though I thought that I'd much rather go back to sleep. I'm glad I followed through with what I had set out to do. I'm just disappointed in myself. And disappointed in a lot of things.
Lately I am just feeling restless and lost. The novelty of my first year of teaching is gone, and it's been tough working with an entirely new teacher this year. I somehow was way ahead of the game at the beginning of the year, and now I keep falling behind. I seem to be working on school stuff 24/7. Or just working on things for family, friends, etc. all the time. I'm always "busy" but nothing ever seems to feel real to me.
I guess what I am getting at is that I really feel like I have lost me. I have lost who I am and what makes me. In college it was so easy to say "I am this person." I'm a dancer, I'm involved in these clubs, I am doing this this and this for myself. It's sort of sad to say that I don't fit into most of the categories that I used to anymore.
I mean I find myself asking, "Is this it?"
Don't get me wrong, I know as we grow older as we experience new things, we change. And I'm all fine and dandy with that. It just seems like everyone is having these great changes around me and I am standing still.
I feel like I have lost my drive. Like I have lost my dreams. Is that what happens? We grow up and we just lose the dreams that we used to have. It kills me not to be doing more than I am right now. Not to be doing something that fulfills me. But honestly, I don't know what that is right now. What it is I'm supposed to be doing. I don't even know what I would enjoy doing or be able to do anymore. I know most of this is probably ended up as just total ramble. But I feel like saying "yes I get it" to that John Mayer song about the quarter life crisis.
Albeit then I feel bad about being restless when I have things that a lot of people don't have. I have a lot of good in my life. And I feel terrible saying that I am unsatisfied.
I guess at 25 I'm just frustrated and feeling really blah...
Anyone care to commiserate?