Long lost crushes should sometimes stay lost...and sometimes not
Tonight was my sister's first school band concert. She started the clarinet in October, and by the middle of December, she can play a passable "Good King Wensecslause". Brava for her.
And who should be at said 6th grade band concert than the guy I had the most violent crush on at the end of high school. He was accompanying another alum, Callie, who had a younger sibling in the middle school band. I can assume they're dating. Neither came out and said so, but he did mention that he'd been dragged along by her.
The attraction was still there. He is not classically handsome by any means, but he is one of those people who, the more you are around him, the more attractive he becomes. And he has the greenest eyes of anyone I've ever met. Wicked sense of humor. Enjoys pointing out the obvious.
But I'm wondering if the hurt I'm feeling is more my obsessing over it--quite possible, as it didn't hurt this bad upon first realization--or if there is part of me that is still crushing on him. Hell, I think he was the closest I ever came to first love. I still regret not making a move when I had the chance. So now I sit alone and lonely, poking at this thing like a cancker sore or a mostly (but not quite completely) healed scab. All I'm doing is making it worse.
"I want, I want," I keep thinking. No more "wants". I'm done. I lost my chance. Somewhere out there I'll find the person I'm right for and who is right for me. Hopefully. But, damnit, I'm 23, I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm fucking lonely. He or she better get here quick or I'm taking the veil!
And who should be at said 6th grade band concert than the guy I had the most violent crush on at the end of high school. He was accompanying another alum, Callie, who had a younger sibling in the middle school band. I can assume they're dating. Neither came out and said so, but he did mention that he'd been dragged along by her.
The attraction was still there. He is not classically handsome by any means, but he is one of those people who, the more you are around him, the more attractive he becomes. And he has the greenest eyes of anyone I've ever met. Wicked sense of humor. Enjoys pointing out the obvious.
But I'm wondering if the hurt I'm feeling is more my obsessing over it--quite possible, as it didn't hurt this bad upon first realization--or if there is part of me that is still crushing on him. Hell, I think he was the closest I ever came to first love. I still regret not making a move when I had the chance. So now I sit alone and lonely, poking at this thing like a cancker sore or a mostly (but not quite completely) healed scab. All I'm doing is making it worse.
"I want, I want," I keep thinking. No more "wants". I'm done. I lost my chance. Somewhere out there I'll find the person I'm right for and who is right for me. Hopefully. But, damnit, I'm 23, I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm fucking lonely. He or she better get here quick or I'm taking the veil!