lonely.
I was with my family pretty much all of today. And my family is absolutely amazing - I cannot begin to express my love for every single person that I was with today - they just really make me who I am. That's dumb and cliche but I never really realized it until today. I had an opportunity to talk to cousins I normally don't talk very long with, and made really good connections all over again. My family is so freaking huge that all we ever have a chance to do at any family function is hi how are ya, how is work, the significant other, the kids, and your health and then move to the next person.
but today was different.
I'm the first grandchild after my cousins Ricky and Angie, who are both 31. There was a gap between my aunt and my mom so naturally there is a gap between grandchildren. So in the comparison of 31 and 21 - my cousins are basically living their lives. I graduate in 7 months. I don't have a clue with what I'm doing with my life. I'm terrified. I'm ready for the change and ready to start a real job but - I can't begin to think about where I'll be and what exactly I'll be doing. I have huge Wiley shoes to fill and I don't want to let anyone down.
All of my cousins are married and have kids except Angie, but she's well on her way to engagement with her boyfriend. And she doesn't know if she wants kids. They all work in huge corporations, or own their own businesses, or make 6+ figure incomes with their gorgeous children and homes and cars. My cousin Tammi, Angie's sister is pregnant with her 3rd child and she looks like she's never had 1 kid and that she's 28, and she's 35.
I'm terrified that I'm going to die old and lonely with my various animals that I'll collect along the way. I know that's stupid cuz I do get guys that hit on me and ask me out and whatever, but it's different than actually finding and then FALLING in love. My cousins, my aunts and uncles, and even my grandparents are so completely in love with their significant others it amazes me. I saw my family today because my grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and they still hold hands at the dinner table. My 60 year old aunt [who looks 40] and her husband still slow dance exactly like they did at their wedding. You hear of divorce here and divorce there - but my entire family seems to be the exception to the rule. They all marry relatively young, and have their first kid by the age of 30.
I honestly feel like I'm going to just be alone. I sound like a huge whiner - I'm 21 freaking years old I have my whole life ahead of me. But winter is coming. And with that brings the snowball fights, the cuddling under blankets, sharing hot cocoa, ice skating hand in hand, eskimo kisses... winter love is different than summer flings. which i've had. ok summer love is also different, too but...i dunno. i'm extra mopey right now for some reason.
i'm ready for a relationship. but now i know not to settle for the first guy to look my way, and everyone that comes along is pretty.... crappy. flipping sweet drunk guys at bars or even COOLER guys that work in a fast food restaraunt. and i still love the guys who ask for my number while i'm driving. got that yesterday on the way home again. what is that.
i won't settle - but no one good is coming along. i shouldn't even be THINKING about having a boyfriend. cuz i can't even remember the last time sara and i hung out together and we're effing roommates. i don't have time for a boy. but i want a boy to sweep me off my feet and change my mind about how all of them are the same. i guess that's asking for too much.
why am i being so emo today.
but today was different.
I'm the first grandchild after my cousins Ricky and Angie, who are both 31. There was a gap between my aunt and my mom so naturally there is a gap between grandchildren. So in the comparison of 31 and 21 - my cousins are basically living their lives. I graduate in 7 months. I don't have a clue with what I'm doing with my life. I'm terrified. I'm ready for the change and ready to start a real job but - I can't begin to think about where I'll be and what exactly I'll be doing. I have huge Wiley shoes to fill and I don't want to let anyone down.
All of my cousins are married and have kids except Angie, but she's well on her way to engagement with her boyfriend. And she doesn't know if she wants kids. They all work in huge corporations, or own their own businesses, or make 6+ figure incomes with their gorgeous children and homes and cars. My cousin Tammi, Angie's sister is pregnant with her 3rd child and she looks like she's never had 1 kid and that she's 28, and she's 35.
I'm terrified that I'm going to die old and lonely with my various animals that I'll collect along the way. I know that's stupid cuz I do get guys that hit on me and ask me out and whatever, but it's different than actually finding and then FALLING in love. My cousins, my aunts and uncles, and even my grandparents are so completely in love with their significant others it amazes me. I saw my family today because my grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and they still hold hands at the dinner table. My 60 year old aunt [who looks 40] and her husband still slow dance exactly like they did at their wedding. You hear of divorce here and divorce there - but my entire family seems to be the exception to the rule. They all marry relatively young, and have their first kid by the age of 30.
I honestly feel like I'm going to just be alone. I sound like a huge whiner - I'm 21 freaking years old I have my whole life ahead of me. But winter is coming. And with that brings the snowball fights, the cuddling under blankets, sharing hot cocoa, ice skating hand in hand, eskimo kisses... winter love is different than summer flings. which i've had. ok summer love is also different, too but...i dunno. i'm extra mopey right now for some reason.
i'm ready for a relationship. but now i know not to settle for the first guy to look my way, and everyone that comes along is pretty.... crappy. flipping sweet drunk guys at bars or even COOLER guys that work in a fast food restaraunt. and i still love the guys who ask for my number while i'm driving. got that yesterday on the way home again. what is that.
i won't settle - but no one good is coming along. i shouldn't even be THINKING about having a boyfriend. cuz i can't even remember the last time sara and i hung out together and we're effing roommates. i don't have time for a boy. but i want a boy to sweep me off my feet and change my mind about how all of them are the same. i guess that's asking for too much.
why am i being so emo today.