(no subject)
every so often, I go back into my lj archive and read things I've written around this time in years past. It paints a sentimental, funny, and often embarrassing picture of my former lives. Tonight I was particularly struck by March 21, 2006. It was the day after State Patty's Day and (not that I knew it at the time), the beginning of my mono downfall. Sometime in the ten days prior to that post, something happened between me and a boy that (also, not that I knew it at the time) would color the way I interact with members of the opposite (and occasionally the same) sex for the rest of my time. Whether or not you call it a crime would come down to a case of he said/ she said, but I watch enough law and order to know that the statute of limitations on said conflict runs out this year. I was, ironically enough, contacted by this boy a week or so ago. He was in my city and wanted to meet up. My delay in responding (not unintentional) and schedules kept us from seeing each other, but he said that he would like to catch up at some point, if only to "apoligize for most of (his) college actions" or somesuch. I know we've probably both grown, changed, and reflected on many things in the past 5 years... And that he was engaged and separated in that time.. But I think it would be too painful to see him. Though I must admit I'm curious as to what he would have to say.
I have to state for the record that I'm currently the happiest I've been in a long while. Not just smile-for-the-camera happy, but absolutely in love with the place I've been led/ placed myself through hard work. Up until a month ago, I was a high school english teacher. It was something I had aspired to on one hand, never thought mself to be capable of on another. But it did not bring me joy. And since life is too short to have a job you ant get out of bed for in the morning,i quit. While I love my students and have so much respect for the school and its work, I wasn't being supported in the ways I needed to be and didn't feel like the teachers were my peer group. So, I left to pursue skating, traveling, and performing. I used the prospect of auditioning for Disney on Ice as an out, much like I used FIT as an out to Penn State. Except I have followed it through and am putting some serious stake into this new venture. My audition went well, I got a letter in the mail saying they would keep my info on file and contact me when they cast their shows in a few months. So it's totally possible that, come August, I could be a travelling fork in Europe or something. Which doesn't suck. :) I've been gigging with Ice Theater, including tree lightings, rink openings, fashion shows... All fabulous and lovely. I'm at Wollman every day now and have 14 kids in the competition next month... Which also happens to be the one year anniversary of the beginning of my young-and-stupid love affair. I don't regret it and still believe it was bound to happen sometime, but I'm glad it's over. Props to the friends and co-workers who confronted me and said that I looked like shot, that I was pale and broken out and lacked my usual verve. They didn't even know how my hair was falling out in clumps or how bad the panic attacks were.
And after the season is over in mid-April, I plan to take another (or, perhaps, a first) dive into the deep end. I'm getting in my car and driving to New Orleans. Why? Well, I could give you the real answer or the diplomatic one. The safest explanation is that (though I never thought I'd say this), I'm getting burnt out on New York. The pace, the hustle, the scene. It's all a bit overwhelming sometimes. And I know what NY has to offer me. I think it's finally safe to say I've "made it" here, though that statement comes with the caveat of me being a native New Yorker, therefore having less obstacles to overcome. But I want to see what else is out there. I've wanted to do this road trip around the US for years and I finally have a fair amount of time and money to do something like that... On a smaller scale, of course. So why New Orleans? Well, because I love the city. And (here comes the less diplomatic answer), because I love someone in the city. Or at least I did once, or I think I do. But when you feel like communication only goes one way and you're grasping at straws to analyze every conversation and facebook post for a clue, it's hard to tell. So, I'm going to find out exactly what the hell is (or isn't) there. I haven't told him yet that I'm coming, and don't plan to until the last minute. The summer I planned on moving down there, he succeeded in talking me out of it in very few, meaningless words about the weather. And, as much as this trip is about him, it's more about me and my own need for self-discovery. So he doesn't get a say in the matter, not this time around.
The running theme through all of this... The things I alluded to in that 2006 post, the people who commented on it and brought me to tears with their kind words, the ill-fated affair partner, and the man I'm (not) leaving my city for... They are all guys who are totally wrong for me, yet have been known to fall at my feet in their own way (except for the latter). I've gotten to thinking about love, relationships, and life partners recently. It seems I am an utter failure at seeking out men who might actually be a good fit for me and give all of my attention to these inappropriate types of people. Is this just a phase? Is it trending further in that direction? Am I a fool for going down there only to get my heart handed back to me on a platter, sliced and diced and served in some sort of cajun remoulade? The answer is probably yes, but if I don't go now, I'll still be in this limbo for months into my career as a fork. And I have enough on my plate without leftovers to boot.
Stay tuned.
I have to state for the record that I'm currently the happiest I've been in a long while. Not just smile-for-the-camera happy, but absolutely in love with the place I've been led/ placed myself through hard work. Up until a month ago, I was a high school english teacher. It was something I had aspired to on one hand, never thought mself to be capable of on another. But it did not bring me joy. And since life is too short to have a job you ant get out of bed for in the morning,i quit. While I love my students and have so much respect for the school and its work, I wasn't being supported in the ways I needed to be and didn't feel like the teachers were my peer group. So, I left to pursue skating, traveling, and performing. I used the prospect of auditioning for Disney on Ice as an out, much like I used FIT as an out to Penn State. Except I have followed it through and am putting some serious stake into this new venture. My audition went well, I got a letter in the mail saying they would keep my info on file and contact me when they cast their shows in a few months. So it's totally possible that, come August, I could be a travelling fork in Europe or something. Which doesn't suck. :) I've been gigging with Ice Theater, including tree lightings, rink openings, fashion shows... All fabulous and lovely. I'm at Wollman every day now and have 14 kids in the competition next month... Which also happens to be the one year anniversary of the beginning of my young-and-stupid love affair. I don't regret it and still believe it was bound to happen sometime, but I'm glad it's over. Props to the friends and co-workers who confronted me and said that I looked like shot, that I was pale and broken out and lacked my usual verve. They didn't even know how my hair was falling out in clumps or how bad the panic attacks were.
And after the season is over in mid-April, I plan to take another (or, perhaps, a first) dive into the deep end. I'm getting in my car and driving to New Orleans. Why? Well, I could give you the real answer or the diplomatic one. The safest explanation is that (though I never thought I'd say this), I'm getting burnt out on New York. The pace, the hustle, the scene. It's all a bit overwhelming sometimes. And I know what NY has to offer me. I think it's finally safe to say I've "made it" here, though that statement comes with the caveat of me being a native New Yorker, therefore having less obstacles to overcome. But I want to see what else is out there. I've wanted to do this road trip around the US for years and I finally have a fair amount of time and money to do something like that... On a smaller scale, of course. So why New Orleans? Well, because I love the city. And (here comes the less diplomatic answer), because I love someone in the city. Or at least I did once, or I think I do. But when you feel like communication only goes one way and you're grasping at straws to analyze every conversation and facebook post for a clue, it's hard to tell. So, I'm going to find out exactly what the hell is (or isn't) there. I haven't told him yet that I'm coming, and don't plan to until the last minute. The summer I planned on moving down there, he succeeded in talking me out of it in very few, meaningless words about the weather. And, as much as this trip is about him, it's more about me and my own need for self-discovery. So he doesn't get a say in the matter, not this time around.
The running theme through all of this... The things I alluded to in that 2006 post, the people who commented on it and brought me to tears with their kind words, the ill-fated affair partner, and the man I'm (not) leaving my city for... They are all guys who are totally wrong for me, yet have been known to fall at my feet in their own way (except for the latter). I've gotten to thinking about love, relationships, and life partners recently. It seems I am an utter failure at seeking out men who might actually be a good fit for me and give all of my attention to these inappropriate types of people. Is this just a phase? Is it trending further in that direction? Am I a fool for going down there only to get my heart handed back to me on a platter, sliced and diced and served in some sort of cajun remoulade? The answer is probably yes, but if I don't go now, I'll still be in this limbo for months into my career as a fork. And I have enough on my plate without leftovers to boot.
Stay tuned.