non-problem
So I have this problem. The problem is that I don't have real problems. I don't have real insecurities. I don't have real demons to fight. No depressive tendencies. I am an incredibly balanced person. All the ones that I do have are very anecdotal, meaning they occur in the moment, and I deal with them in that moment, or in that day or in that week. Things like feeling intellectualy insecure about the quality of a paper. Or feeling insecure about being loved. Feeling like I don't have as many true friends as I think. All these problems are just your regular every day conflicts. Everyone has them, and I'm another human being who has them, but the difference is that they are not part of me. The scary part about this is that I literally don't know anyone around my age who feels this way. The one person whom I thought I could connect with on this subject is now seeing a therapist.
Timi tells me her ex-housemate was like that. Confident, secure, balanced, but not insane at the same time. She says that that's the reason she could never really become friends with her, because the housemate couldn't truly commiserate. Likewise, I feel like I can't really commiserate with people who have major insecurities, people whose defense mechanisms don't just kick in in certain situations (like mine do), they infuse their personality. There are parts of myself that I don't like, but those again are very much on the surface - slight selfishness, some remains of shyness, a slight lack of spontaneity... things that can be changed with a little will and effort. Still, not changing my core. In a way, because I have this strong core, not only can I tackle any problem, I feel like I can be, and want to be strong for two people when they need it, and for them to be able to be strong for two when I need it. I've been thinking a lot about what love means to me and I listened to the lyrics of the song Protection by Massive Attack and they got to me. That's how I want it to be for me.
That's more than love. That's the way it should be.
Also, I watched Closer for about the 5th time today. What a great movie. That last scene with Natalie Portman walking down the street in NY in slow mo is probably the hottest shot of her I've ever seen. It makes me want to grow my hair out really long and strut around in tight jeans and a white tank top. Well, maybe just the hair part.
I'm off to be the fake Russian-Jew that I am, and have Matzo ball soup.
Timi tells me her ex-housemate was like that. Confident, secure, balanced, but not insane at the same time. She says that that's the reason she could never really become friends with her, because the housemate couldn't truly commiserate. Likewise, I feel like I can't really commiserate with people who have major insecurities, people whose defense mechanisms don't just kick in in certain situations (like mine do), they infuse their personality. There are parts of myself that I don't like, but those again are very much on the surface - slight selfishness, some remains of shyness, a slight lack of spontaneity... things that can be changed with a little will and effort. Still, not changing my core. In a way, because I have this strong core, not only can I tackle any problem, I feel like I can be, and want to be strong for two people when they need it, and for them to be able to be strong for two when I need it. I've been thinking a lot about what love means to me and I listened to the lyrics of the song Protection by Massive Attack and they got to me. That's how I want it to be for me.
That's more than love. That's the way it should be.
Also, I watched Closer for about the 5th time today. What a great movie. That last scene with Natalie Portman walking down the street in NY in slow mo is probably the hottest shot of her I've ever seen. It makes me want to grow my hair out really long and strut around in tight jeans and a white tank top. Well, maybe just the hair part.
I'm off to be the fake Russian-Jew that I am, and have Matzo ball soup.