(no subject)
I'm not just angry with tony lately.
I snap at everyone. Everyone lets me down. No one cares.
I've become a pathetic excuse for a human being and I don't know what to do about it. I cry and feel bad for myself constantly, but get mad when people constantly pity me. I hate that I feel like I lost so many friends because of this. And I blame no one. It's hard. They have school. And jobs. And lives. And I just want to be a part of it all, but it's difficult. I just have to wait this out. One day I'll be back on top of the world.
My uncle chris already found me a temp car until I get money for a nice one. It's a 91 buick skylark (gold) for $650. Not bad at all. Then I still have about 2000 in the bank to help me out if it takes awhilet to get a job. And if only my boyfriend would get a job and pay me bakc the 300 dollars he's owed me since november....
I'm so angry and just everything. I don't think there is anything anyone can do to make me happy with them at htis point. And quite frankly, I don't blame everyone for not wanting to tlak to me.
But also, you can't blame me for losing my mind. I sit at home all day, talking to basically no one. People stopped calling. Lindsay Tengler and Hilary are the only ones who pretty much call me daily and ask me to hang out. No one else really. And Hil... she's so angry at the world that I avoid having to hang out with her at all costs. She's gone crazier than I am, all over Rafa, who doesn't give a damn about her but pretends to so he can dump her, then still sleep with her. And lindsay...just wants to party. And I can't do that right now. I have to come home within a few hours of leaving.
And tomorrow is court. I really, really, don't want to go. Tony is all excited to help put him away, but I just want my life back, and seeing this asshole not care about waht he did to me, how he completely destroyed my life, is going to kill me.
I get mad hearing anyone complain about their problems and that's unrealistic. It's unfair. I'm not living the only problems in the world. Other people have issues. So it makes me afraid to talk to people, because i'm afraid I won't be compassionate enough. I don't know how to be a good friend anymore. I don't like myself, so how can I expect anyone else to? Tony wouldn't talk to me all day, then we fought for like an hour, then he told me he was going to go watch a movie with his brother. I'm waiting for him to dump me basically. So I can have absolutely nothing to look forward to when I'm better.
When I finally am free, I won't have a job I can do, and there will still be no school. So then what? I spend time finding a job. And I'll become a workaholic for lack of anything better to do. Furthering myself from my friends. And that depresses me....
I'm just scared I'll never be as happy as I was before this all happened. Everything was going so well, and it all got ripped from underneath me and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm so scared.
I snap at everyone. Everyone lets me down. No one cares.
I've become a pathetic excuse for a human being and I don't know what to do about it. I cry and feel bad for myself constantly, but get mad when people constantly pity me. I hate that I feel like I lost so many friends because of this. And I blame no one. It's hard. They have school. And jobs. And lives. And I just want to be a part of it all, but it's difficult. I just have to wait this out. One day I'll be back on top of the world.
My uncle chris already found me a temp car until I get money for a nice one. It's a 91 buick skylark (gold) for $650. Not bad at all. Then I still have about 2000 in the bank to help me out if it takes awhilet to get a job. And if only my boyfriend would get a job and pay me bakc the 300 dollars he's owed me since november....
I'm so angry and just everything. I don't think there is anything anyone can do to make me happy with them at htis point. And quite frankly, I don't blame everyone for not wanting to tlak to me.
But also, you can't blame me for losing my mind. I sit at home all day, talking to basically no one. People stopped calling. Lindsay Tengler and Hilary are the only ones who pretty much call me daily and ask me to hang out. No one else really. And Hil... she's so angry at the world that I avoid having to hang out with her at all costs. She's gone crazier than I am, all over Rafa, who doesn't give a damn about her but pretends to so he can dump her, then still sleep with her. And lindsay...just wants to party. And I can't do that right now. I have to come home within a few hours of leaving.
And tomorrow is court. I really, really, don't want to go. Tony is all excited to help put him away, but I just want my life back, and seeing this asshole not care about waht he did to me, how he completely destroyed my life, is going to kill me.
I get mad hearing anyone complain about their problems and that's unrealistic. It's unfair. I'm not living the only problems in the world. Other people have issues. So it makes me afraid to talk to people, because i'm afraid I won't be compassionate enough. I don't know how to be a good friend anymore. I don't like myself, so how can I expect anyone else to? Tony wouldn't talk to me all day, then we fought for like an hour, then he told me he was going to go watch a movie with his brother. I'm waiting for him to dump me basically. So I can have absolutely nothing to look forward to when I'm better.
When I finally am free, I won't have a job I can do, and there will still be no school. So then what? I spend time finding a job. And I'll become a workaholic for lack of anything better to do. Furthering myself from my friends. And that depresses me....
I'm just scared I'll never be as happy as I was before this all happened. Everything was going so well, and it all got ripped from underneath me and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm so scared.