Naruto fic: "Haven 4/4" (Naruto/Gaara, NC - 17)
Title: Haven 4/4
Pairing(s): Naruto/Gaara (unresolved SasuNaru in the back)
Warning(s): Angst-a-bundle.
Genre(s): … angst? Introspection?
Rating: NC - 17
Word Length: 22,500 (in total)
Description: Temari wasn’t entirely honest when she sought Naruto’s help. She said Gaara had been missing for a few days, but he’d been missing for a few weeks...
Written for fireun during the oh_shit_santa fic exchange.
EDIT: Now with awesome art by chyldea! You have to look at it!
I. Years and Years Hence
II. Two Roads Diverged
III. The One Less Traveled By
IV. All the Difference
When Naruto cracked an eye open, the sun was already high. The air was hot and the buzz of insects in the nearby plants was loud enough to wake the dead. It was loud enough to wake Naruto up, and that was saying a lot. He rubbed his crusted eyelashes and looked around, rather disoriented. His whole body felt kind of funny, more relaxed than he’d been in weeks.
The memory of the previous night came back to him in stops and starts. Naruto remembered Gaara’s harsh face, his difficult words, the fervent touches of hands - and mouth - on his body. Now, in the daylight, it felt like a distorted dream, something wonderful and terrible that he’d only imagined, and couldn’t possibly be true.
Naruto cringed at his disgraceful behavior from the night before. And Gaara had… he’d just…
“AAAARGH!”
“You’re not really a morning person, are you?” Gaara’s voice startled him only slightly. It came from behind Naruto, and it sounded normal, as if nothing had changed at all. Naruto didn’t understand how he did it. Everything was different now.
Gaara sat down next to him, a handful of apricots in his lap. “Want one?” Naruto’s pulse fluttered oddly, because reaching for a fruit where Gaara had put them made him think of last night. “Naruto?”
“You seem perky,” Naruto drawled sarcastically.
Gaara didn’t seem to get the jab. “I need less sleep than you, clearly.”
“So you’re a morning person?”
Gaara pursed his mouth, considering his answer. “I think I’m more of a not-sleeping-much person.”
“Even now?”
“It’s the habit of a life-time,” Gaara didn’t seem worried or bothered by it. “At least now I don’t dream.” A bleak truth that Gaara found comforting, that much was obvious.
Naruto snatched an apricot out of Gaara’s lap. Gaara seemed surprised by the sudden movement, but he said nothing of it. Naruto nibbled on the fruit absently.
It was nice to sit in the cool shade and watch the sun over the palm trees and the bushes. Gaara was a solid, silent presence beside him.
”Do we really have to go today?” Naruto asked, without really thinking of what he was saying.
Naruto kenw wasn’t sure of his own feelings, but he also didn’t want to leave just yet. He’d glimpsed something in this place, an essential truth about Gaara and about himself, and he didn’t want it to disappear. He wondered, if they stayed… would he end up falling in love with Gaara? Would he figure out how he felt about Sasuke? Would Gaara let Naruto touch him back? Would he… do the same thing he’d done last night?
Wasn’t it unfair of him to be so bent upon this, when he still had no answer to what Gaara really wanted to know?
Did Gaara know how deeply he’d affected Naruto? Was that planned on his part?
“Yes, I can’t leave my village alone any longer.”
“Riiiiight.” He was still disappointed, even if he knew it was the truth. It was inconsistent of him, but Naruto wished Gaara weren’t so distant again. It felt like they’d taken a step back into before they were even friends. “Are you coming back together with me?”
“If I send you back without me, Temari will kill you.”
Good point. “Temari must be worried sick about you.”
“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t get how it works, but I think ‘female intuition’ might be more than a myth.”
Naruto swallowed his mouthful before speaking, for once. “What do you mean?”
“I think she figured this out before I did, that’s all.” Gaara’s face was thoughtful.
Naruto watched him in silence, until he realized Gaara wouldn’t say anything else. “I’ll get ready so we can go.”
* * *
Sunagakure was like a mountain, it stood tall in the middle of the desert. The sand-colored walls cast a massive shadow under the noonday sun.
Gaara’s face was set as they approached, but there was a tense hitch to his shoulders. Naruto walked beside him, studying the massive fortress and then Gaara’s stoic look.
The sentinels must have seen them already, the doors would be opening by the time they reached the main gate. However, the closer they got, the more Naruto got the feeling Gaara wanted to turn around and leave. He wasn’t sure of where he was getting the vibe from, because Gaara looked as composed as always, but he radiated something that made Naruto uneasy.
“Gaara, are you okay?”
Gaara stopped walking so abruptly Naruto took a few steps more before realizing Gaara was behind him.
“Gaara?”
Gaara stared at the village gate, brows slightly drawn. “I think… I’m afraid.”
Naruto’s heart jumped. “Why?” He had a feeling this was his fault. One of the many things that were his fault, right now.
Gaara sighed. “I thought I’d feel more level-headed when I came back.”
(I didn’t honestly think you’d come)
(I went into the desert to accept this truth)
Gaara had probably hoped to exorcise this conflict from his mind. But things hadn’t turned out as either of them expected, in the end.
“I’m not sorry I came,” Naruto spoke softly. It needed to be said.
Gaara’s grave face lapsed in a tiny smirk. “Neither am I, Naruto. But now I actually have something to gain out of this… and so, there is also much I can lose. I suppose I should thank you for that, but it only makes me feel uncertain.” Gaara’s face smoothed out again. “I don’t like this feeling.”
Naruto looked up at the blazing sky and nodded. “I know what you mean.”
A hand grabbed Naruto’s wrist, a tight and surprising hold. Naruto tore his eyes away from the blue sky only to find Gaara’s flame-hot gaze directed at him. It was back, that compelling regard that made Naruto’s body clench. “Naruto, I need you to promise me something.”
Naruto’s mouth felt drier than the sand. “What?” He asked hoarsely, hyperaware of Gaara’s eyes on him.
“Promise me you’ll come back with an answer, whatever it is. Just… I don’t think I can stand to wonder, even if you choose not to---“ He bit his lip, surprisingly human in his helplessness. “I need to know, when you’ve figured it out.”
Gaara had never - not even in the last few days - seemed so young and easy to hurt. It frightened Naruto to realize, to truly and completely realize, that Gaara was in love with him, and whatever he did, it could affect Gaara as deeply as this.
Beneath that emotion another one bubbled up in Naruto’s chest; warm disbelief, when he understood that someone could love him so much and so intensely.
“I promise,” he said at last.
It was a vow he planned to keep.
* * *
Sasuke had been let out of the small cell, and had been placed in a bigger containment area. He was still being questioned by the ANBU regularly, but they no longer interrogated him. The Konoha Council was reviewing his case, and there were many arguments for and against him. Even among the shinobi of the village there seemed to be a discontented air over the matter, no one wanted to speak about it, for fear of finding out their friends or teammates had different opinions.
How like the bastard, to always be at the center of attention, Naruto mused. It was a constant about Sasuke, even when Sasuke whished it weren’t so. He was an unintentional limelight hog.
Naruto had expected to feel nervous when he came back, but it was quite the reverse. It was good to be back; whichever part of him had been so desperate to get away from Konoha had finally calmed down. There was no anguish and no fear, only a curious sense of apprehension. He still had to talk to Sasuke, of course, but it was different now.
He’d left Konoha in a mess, drowned by the reality of Sasuke in his life, weighed under by his own confusing feelings on the matter. While upon leaving his head had been full of Sasuke, full of pain, anger and sorrow, he came back a different man. Sasuke was still there, but his head was full of Gaara now, and a promise he’d made to someone who was waiting for him to find an answer.
* * *
When Naruto came into the room, Sasuke’s eyes widened in disbelief. Naruto thought he looked relieved, and angry, but that might have been his imagination too.
“I thought you finally gave up,” Sasuke scoffed.
Naruto shook his head. “I was out of town, on a mission. Didn’t Sakura tell you?”
Sasuke looked away, fixing a furious stare on the desk that lay beside his bed. It was quite a comfortable cell, all things told.
“Oh… so you thought I just stopped coming because I got fed up with you?” Naruto’s mouth quirked up. How very much like Sasuke to jump to the worst conclusion.
Sasuke shrugged dismissively. “Didn’t you?”
“I was in Suna. Kind of hard to visit you from there.” Naruto smirked. “Why, did you miss me?”
“I don’t get it,” Sasuke whispered, shaking his head angrily. He spoke to no one in particular. “Why do you keep coming back?”
“To Konoha?” Naruto asked, deliberately obtuse.
“To see me!” Sasuke snapped, refusing to take the bait.
Naruto lifted a hand and scratched the back of his head. Nonchalance seemed like the best approach. “Well… I suppose I just wanted to see you. Is that so surprising?”
“Yes, you moron, it is!” Sasuke snarled, banging his fist against the desk. An ink bottle rolled over and fell to the floor with a cloud clink. “Why are you still here, after everything I’ve done?”
Naruto shrugged, uncomfortable with the question. Why, really?
(…then tell me: Do you love Uchiha Sasuke?)
It really was high time he figured these things out.
“Bastard, sit down. We need to talk.”
Sasuke give him an incredulous glare. “Oh no, you did not just say that!” Sasuke sounded amused at first, but when he saw the serious look in Naruto’s eyes, his face showed something akin to fear.
“Sasuke, I mean it.” Naruto moved to sit on a chair that was propped against a wall. “Sit.”
“For fuck’s sake, you sound just like a girl,” Sasuke spat, but he was clearly on the defensive. It surprised Naruto to see Sasuke react so badly to something so simple.
Maybe he knows… what I want to say.
“Don’t be an ass, Uchiha. Talking won’t be the thing that kills you.”
Sasuke gritted his teeth, anger made his cheeks flush. “Fuck off!”
“No. Now sit down, I need to hear you out.”
Sasuke sneered. “Hear me out?”
“Yeah, kind of.” Naruto wasn’t sure of how to go about this conversation, but there was only one direction for him to move in: forwards. “I need to… figure something out.”
Sasuke caved in abruptly. He sat down on the bed, shoulders hunched. “Get it over with.”
Naruto nodded, and watched Sasuke in silence for a few minutes. Sasuke frowned at the scrutiny and gave him a dark glare in return. Naruto did not respond in kind, he was too busy trying to decide what it was that he needed to ask, and how.
He sighed, finally, and spoke: “You once told me that… your future lay in the past. What about your future now? Itachi is dead, your revenge is over. What are you going to do?”
“Why should I tell you?”
“Just answer the damn question, Sasuke! What will you do?”
“I have to revive my clan;” Sasuke snapped, quick as a blade.
“So you’re going to get married and have kids,” Naruto rephrased the statement.
Sasuke’s eyes were dark and inscrutable. “Evidently. I have no intention of raising a line of bastards.”
Naruto nodded and leaned back on the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “And… do you think… that this will make you happy?”
Sasuke stared at Naruto as if he’d gone mad. Then he burst out laughing, a nasty sound. “Happy? Happy? You came all this way to ask me about what will make me happy? Go fuck yourself Uzumaki, if I’m not mistaken, we already had this conversation.”
“Yes, but you didn’t really answer me then either. You talked about getting Sakura to be your breeding cow and having kids, but you never said it would make you happy.”
“And that matters to you all of a sudden?” Sasuke demanded, voice savagely low.
“It has always mattered to me, bastard.”
Sasuke’s eyes glimmered strangely in the dim light of the cell. “It has alw…” Whatever weakness had been on his face was broken down into a look of harried impatience. “You’re so pathetic.”
Naruto didn’t know why he felt as calm as he did, but it was with great relief that he found himself cold to Sasuke’s anger. Not unresponsive, but it didn’t make him desperately angry either. More than anything, it made him sad, because Sasuke seemed to be incapable of reaching for his own happiness, or accepting any degree of kindness from anyone.
“Go away, Naruto. There’s no point in you being here.”
“I can’t go away, Sasuke. You’re too important to me. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I…” Oh, what the hell, Naruto decided. “… I love you, bastard. That’s just it. And after all the shit you’ve put us through, all the shit you’ve put me through, I’d like to think it was worth something more than Itachi’s death.”
Sasuke was frozen where he sat. Panic made his eyes appear too big. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I think I’m…” Naruto paused, and frowned.
He had been going to say he was in love with Sasuke, but the words wouldn’t come. He looked at Sasuke in profound silence, studying his pained, confrontational attitude.
I love you. Naruto had said, and the words had been easy.
But he wasn’t in love with Sasuke, not anymore. He probably hadn’t been for a long time now, even if he would always love Sasuke as more than a brother, or a friend, or a lover. But it just wasn’t the same.
I’m not in love with you anymore.
It was like lifting the weight of a mountain off his chest.
“You see…” Naruto whispered. “I was in love with you for a long time. A long, long time. I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve never claimed to be smart.”
“No, you just claimed to be an undiscovered genius,” Sasuke’s voice seemed faraway and small.
“Ah yes, that too,” Naruto grinned, but Sasuke’s solemn face banished his smile away. “I think I can get over you, if I can at least know you will be happy.”
“That’s idiotic,” Sasuke whispered, looking down at his knees. “You said you loved me, less than five minutes ago, now you say you don’t.” Sasuke sounded--- hurt. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Naruto frowned, smiling weakly. “You make it sound like you wanted me to be in love with you.” Which was ridiculous, right?
Sasuke’s eyes were fever-bright. He opened his mouth to say something, and then apparently thought better of it. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, shoulders sticking out sharply. “No, of course not. That’s just stupid.”
“Sasuke..:” Naruto whispered, because it dawned on him that Sasuke’s feelings on the matter were not nearly as resolved as his own. “If you had a choice…”
And why am I even saying this?
“--- If you had a choice between a life with me, and reviving your clan… what would you choose?”
Naruto didn’t know what compelled him to ask, when the answer might only hurt him further, or throw him off track again. But it was one of those things he just needed to know.
Of course he’ll choose his clan.
Sasuke lifted his head. He stared ahead, eyes unfocused, seeing something far into a future that Naruto couldn’t possibly guess at. Sasuke frowned, and his dark eyes focused back on Naruto, haunted and sad. “I don’t know.”
Something hard and fast fluttered in Naruto’s chest. “You don’t?”
“No, I…” Sasuke shivered, brows drawn. “I don’t know. I don’t know if either of those would make me happy either. I don’t think I can be happy, even if I tried. It might not be in me.” He looked at Naruto suddenly, and the heat in his eyes pierced him. “But I would want to have you, yes.”
Naruto uncrossed his arms and held Sasuke’s gaze.
He wondered what such a confession would have done to him, if he hadn’t gone looking for Gaara. Who knew what other futures might have spread before them both, and what joys, or what pain. Sasuke hadn’t said he loved Naruto, he said he wanted Naruto. But he didn’t know what he wanted more, and Naruto knew, as he’d suspected, that whichever decision Sasuke took, he would still regret not taking the other one.
But the real question is… what would make me happy?
The flame in Sasuke’s eyes died out. He seemed more a shell of a man than anything else. Naruto wanted to reach out and touch him, but he knew better. Some wounds were beyond him to heal. Some things about Sasuke he would simply have to leave alone.
Sasuke passed hand over his eyes and his fingers shook. “Is that what you wanted to hear?” He sounded tired, more than anything else.
“Maybe. I don’t know either.”
Sasuke snorted, and then his mouth pulled down sharply. He pressed his palm against his forehead, covering his eyes. “Please go away.”
“Sasuke…”
“Will you just go!?” Sasuke barked, without uncovering his eyes.
Naruto started. “I’m not sorry you came back, bastard. But I wish you’d get your act together.”
“Fuck you.”
Maybe people like Sasuke and Gaara, who looked so strong and unreachable, were the easiest to break when you actually knew where to poke.
“Be happy, Sasuke. Whatever that means to you.”
I want to see you happy someday.
Naruto got up and left the cell. It was strangely easy to walk out. His body felt light and there were no tangles in his brain or in his heart. The truth was there before him, all Naruto had to do was reach for it.
* * *
“Kazekage-sama, the Konoha envoy is here.”
Naruto heard the muffled words through the door as they were spoken. He stood outside, back straight, waiting for the sign that he could enter. His heart beat quickly and his hands were sweating, but he kept himself still for the sake of appearances at least.
Then:
“Tell him he may come in.”
* * *
When he stepped through the gates of Sunagakura, Temari had been there to greet him. Her face kept twisting in the oddest expressions he’d ever seen her make, but she had squeezed his shoulder affectionately when he asked where Gaara was. Naruto had feared she’d try to kill him, given that she probably knew the whole affair, whether Gaara had told her or not. Women have ways… But she walked him to the building briskly, and he could have sworn there was relief on her face.
“He’s up there, in his office,” Temari said.
“How has he been?”
She faltered, giving him a questioning look. “He’s… concentrating a lot on his duties. There’s been a lot of work for him, since he came back.”
“Oh, so he didn’t get in trouble for disappearing like that?”
Temari’s frown said quite clearly that he was prying in hidden village matters. “Not much,” she relented. “The council accepts that he’s had a lot on his mind, since the conflict with Akatsuki.”
They have no idea what this was really about.
“So he’s okay.” Naruto sighed in relief.
Temari’s mouth twitched. “He’s been absent-minded and pensive, but he has been quite alright, all things told.”
“I’ll just go up then.”
“Naruto,” Temari stopped him, a hand on his arm.
Naruto turned his head and watched her worriedly. “Yes…?”
“Thank you.”
He tipped his head sideways. “What for, Temari?”
She smiled and let him go.
I’m never going to understand women, Naruto concluded, as he walked upstairs.
* * *
“Uzumaki-san, the Kazekage has given you permission to enter.”
The aide bowed once, respectfully, and closed the door behind him.
Gaara sat at his desk, hands clasped over each other. When the aide finally closed the door he sat up straighter and fixed Naruto with a careful stare.
“You came,” Gaara whispered, quite unnecessarily.
“I’m sorry it took so long,” Naruto began. “I actually had a few missions in the middle and then I had to convince Tsunade to actually give me one in this direction.” Now that he was here, he didn’t know what to say. He heard himself rambling on, quite at a loss.
Gaara waved him to silence. “I don’t mind. It is good that you finally came.”
Gaara’s words made Naruto feel warm inside. “Yeah…”
Gaara took a deep breath and stood. He walked around his desk and stopped when he was in front of Naruto. “So? Did you find your answers?”
Naruto reflected that Gaara seemed very composed, and it was rather admirable. Naruto felt nervous enough already and he wasn’t the one who’d been waiting for weeks for an answer. It was easy to think that there was nothing human beneath the wild eyes and cold face. Then a little bit of Gaara’s frustration broke past the surface of his iron control. His face was tense and his eyes were sunken, though not clouded.
“Funnily enough, they were pretty easy to find. I just… had to actually sit down and hash them out.”
Gaara’s face was a study in self-control, but Naruto could see the pinprick of his pupils and knew he was afraid. Naruto rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants and swallowed, suddenly unnerved by the strength of Gaara’s restraint. He would have liked to see Gaara softer and more reachable, like he’d been in the desert.
But Gaara was all Kazekage now, and as such, he waited.
“Tell me, then,” Gaara said, and his eyes were terrible to behold.
( What about your future now?)
(What are you going to do?)
Naruto breathed in, and spoke: “First of all, you have to know this: when I look at the future, I always see Sasuke in it. I can’t imagine a life where he’s not there.” Gaara’s eye slid shut, very slowly, but he didn’t move. “That’s why I looked for him for so long. I love him and he’s a part of my life I can’t deny. I was in love with him for a very long time.”
Gaara’s eyes opened. “Was?”
Trust Gaara to spot the important bits. “Before, yes.”
“Are you sure?” Gaara’s voice was but a whisper.
“I don’t see myself with him, like that. The more I think about it, the more I see myself visiting him and spoiling his kids rotten. You know, giving them candy before dinner just to annoy their dad, and making them addicted to ramen, or buying his wife bright colored clothes that will clash with his. That kind of stuff.” Naruto grinned foxily. “I want to be the awesome-cool uncle every kid wants to have.”
“You’re not in love with him.”
“No,” Naruto repeated, slightly amused at how long it was taking Gaara to process that.
Gaara shuddered and for a moment Naruto thought he was going to say something. Then he was back under control, but his eyes were bright.
“But I’m not in love with you either,” Naruto went on, because he needed Gaara to understand where he was coming from.
This might be selfish, but…
Gaara did not seem surprised by his declaration, but his eyes hardened again. “So, what…?”
“Don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t know yet.” Naruto reached out and touched Gaara’s forearm, felt him jump. “When I thought about all this, I could see my future with Sasuke. I saw a life with my best friend and his hypothetical wife and hypothetical children… and I thought that if that’s how things turn out for Sasuke, it would be nice.”
“What about you, then?”
“I don’t know what my life will be like. I still want to be Hokage, and I want to become the strongest ninja in history, so dating the Kage of a different village might seem kind of nuts. Plus, you dating a genin from a different village might be a very stupid move. Then again, you’re not much the dating type either, but it would take some odd sneaking around, or else it would be a crazy alliance because - what would everyone think, honestly? Two Kages sleeping with each other? What kind of alliance is that?”
“Konoha and Suna will have been allies for a long time before that even becomes an issue,” Gaara growled, watching Naruto out of wary eyes.
“Yes, I know, Gaara! What I’m saying is that the more I tried to picture it, the more complicated it became. I mean, I can picture what Sasuke’s future will be, but I have no idea where you and I will end up. I tried to see it, but it was just… impossible to imagine!”
“Impossible to imagine?” Gaara was starting to sound angry.
“Damn, this is all coming out the wrong way. Gaara, what I’m trying to say is---“
“--- you don’t see a future with me. You already said that.” Gaara turned his back on Naruto and stalked to his desk. He leaned on it heavily.
“Yes… okay, I said that! But it’s not the way it sounds!” Gaara shook his head, and Naruto cursed himself and his inability to put things the right way. “What I was trying to say is that I have no idea where it’s going to go, but I’m okay with that. I want to find out.” Naruto paused, because Gaara’s back had stiffened. “I’m not in love with you, but I care about you Gaara. I want that to be more.”
Gaara’s breathing was loud to both their ears. “Then…?”
“I want to see where this will take us, together.”
I wonder how much we will change, from this moment on. We are so different already, where will this lead us?
Gaara was trembling, and he still hadn’t turned. Naruto watched his back worriedly. “Gaara?”
“You’re terrible at explaining yourself.” Gaara’s voice was gruff.
“I know,” Naruto muttered remorsefully, because he realized he’d hurt Gaara, entirely by accident.
“You made it sound as though you were saying the opposite thing.”
”I know,” Naruto replied, wanting to creep under the carpet.
Gaara turned around, and he looked frazzled but not angry. “I hope your never become Hokage,” he declared incisively.
“Whaat!? Why!?”
“With that mouth of yours, Konoha will be at war with every single country on the map.”
Naruto winced and laughed nervously. “I’m… sorry?”
“I should beat the hell out of you for this.”
“Gaara!” Naruto complained. But any fears Naruto may have had were erased when Gaara smiled.
It was an unusual kind of smile, a bit hopeful and uncertain, but happy too. Naruto didn’t think he’d ever seen Gaara look happy.
Naruto himself wasn’t sure of what would make him truly happy either. He would always wonder about Sasuke, and what might have happened if he hadn’t gone to find Gaara. But Gaara had shown him a different possibility, and though he wasn’t in love - yet - Naruto wanted to be. He wanted to give back in equal measure, and love Gaara just as much, if not more, than Gaara loved him.
The future would be full of change, but he could deal with that. No knowing where it went, or how it would turn out… well, that was half the excitement.
And while the road that had taken him to Gaara was twisted and full of pain, Naruto wanted to believe that the future that lay ahead of them - that impossible, unpredictable future - was brimming over with promise, crammed with excitement, and full of love.
In the end, it was remarkably easy to reach out, and try to be happy.
On reflection, one of the things I needed to learn was to allow myself to be loved.
--- Isha Mckenzie-Mavinga
The End
And that was it. Ze Ende. I really enjoyed writing this! It was damnably difficult, because Naruto kept going all 'Sasukeeeee' on me, but... oh well. I'm glad fireun requested this, because I would have never gone for it on my own.
I hope you all enjoyed it! :)
Pairing(s): Naruto/Gaara (unresolved SasuNaru in the back)
Warning(s): Angst-a-bundle.
Genre(s): … angst? Introspection?
Rating: NC - 17
Word Length: 22,500 (in total)
Description: Temari wasn’t entirely honest when she sought Naruto’s help. She said Gaara had been missing for a few days, but he’d been missing for a few weeks...
Written for fireun during the oh_shit_santa fic exchange.
EDIT: Now with awesome art by chyldea! You have to look at it!
I. Years and Years Hence
II. Two Roads Diverged
III. The One Less Traveled By
IV. All the Difference
When Naruto cracked an eye open, the sun was already high. The air was hot and the buzz of insects in the nearby plants was loud enough to wake the dead. It was loud enough to wake Naruto up, and that was saying a lot. He rubbed his crusted eyelashes and looked around, rather disoriented. His whole body felt kind of funny, more relaxed than he’d been in weeks.
The memory of the previous night came back to him in stops and starts. Naruto remembered Gaara’s harsh face, his difficult words, the fervent touches of hands - and mouth - on his body. Now, in the daylight, it felt like a distorted dream, something wonderful and terrible that he’d only imagined, and couldn’t possibly be true.
Naruto cringed at his disgraceful behavior from the night before. And Gaara had… he’d just…
“AAAARGH!”
“You’re not really a morning person, are you?” Gaara’s voice startled him only slightly. It came from behind Naruto, and it sounded normal, as if nothing had changed at all. Naruto didn’t understand how he did it. Everything was different now.
Gaara sat down next to him, a handful of apricots in his lap. “Want one?” Naruto’s pulse fluttered oddly, because reaching for a fruit where Gaara had put them made him think of last night. “Naruto?”
“You seem perky,” Naruto drawled sarcastically.
Gaara didn’t seem to get the jab. “I need less sleep than you, clearly.”
“So you’re a morning person?”
Gaara pursed his mouth, considering his answer. “I think I’m more of a not-sleeping-much person.”
“Even now?”
“It’s the habit of a life-time,” Gaara didn’t seem worried or bothered by it. “At least now I don’t dream.” A bleak truth that Gaara found comforting, that much was obvious.
Naruto snatched an apricot out of Gaara’s lap. Gaara seemed surprised by the sudden movement, but he said nothing of it. Naruto nibbled on the fruit absently.
It was nice to sit in the cool shade and watch the sun over the palm trees and the bushes. Gaara was a solid, silent presence beside him.
”Do we really have to go today?” Naruto asked, without really thinking of what he was saying.
Naruto kenw wasn’t sure of his own feelings, but he also didn’t want to leave just yet. He’d glimpsed something in this place, an essential truth about Gaara and about himself, and he didn’t want it to disappear. He wondered, if they stayed… would he end up falling in love with Gaara? Would he figure out how he felt about Sasuke? Would Gaara let Naruto touch him back? Would he… do the same thing he’d done last night?
Wasn’t it unfair of him to be so bent upon this, when he still had no answer to what Gaara really wanted to know?
Did Gaara know how deeply he’d affected Naruto? Was that planned on his part?
“Yes, I can’t leave my village alone any longer.”
“Riiiiight.” He was still disappointed, even if he knew it was the truth. It was inconsistent of him, but Naruto wished Gaara weren’t so distant again. It felt like they’d taken a step back into before they were even friends. “Are you coming back together with me?”
“If I send you back without me, Temari will kill you.”
Good point. “Temari must be worried sick about you.”
“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t get how it works, but I think ‘female intuition’ might be more than a myth.”
Naruto swallowed his mouthful before speaking, for once. “What do you mean?”
“I think she figured this out before I did, that’s all.” Gaara’s face was thoughtful.
Naruto watched him in silence, until he realized Gaara wouldn’t say anything else. “I’ll get ready so we can go.”
* * *
Sunagakure was like a mountain, it stood tall in the middle of the desert. The sand-colored walls cast a massive shadow under the noonday sun.
Gaara’s face was set as they approached, but there was a tense hitch to his shoulders. Naruto walked beside him, studying the massive fortress and then Gaara’s stoic look.
The sentinels must have seen them already, the doors would be opening by the time they reached the main gate. However, the closer they got, the more Naruto got the feeling Gaara wanted to turn around and leave. He wasn’t sure of where he was getting the vibe from, because Gaara looked as composed as always, but he radiated something that made Naruto uneasy.
“Gaara, are you okay?”
Gaara stopped walking so abruptly Naruto took a few steps more before realizing Gaara was behind him.
“Gaara?”
Gaara stared at the village gate, brows slightly drawn. “I think… I’m afraid.”
Naruto’s heart jumped. “Why?” He had a feeling this was his fault. One of the many things that were his fault, right now.
Gaara sighed. “I thought I’d feel more level-headed when I came back.”
(I didn’t honestly think you’d come)
(I went into the desert to accept this truth)
Gaara had probably hoped to exorcise this conflict from his mind. But things hadn’t turned out as either of them expected, in the end.
“I’m not sorry I came,” Naruto spoke softly. It needed to be said.
Gaara’s grave face lapsed in a tiny smirk. “Neither am I, Naruto. But now I actually have something to gain out of this… and so, there is also much I can lose. I suppose I should thank you for that, but it only makes me feel uncertain.” Gaara’s face smoothed out again. “I don’t like this feeling.”
Naruto looked up at the blazing sky and nodded. “I know what you mean.”
A hand grabbed Naruto’s wrist, a tight and surprising hold. Naruto tore his eyes away from the blue sky only to find Gaara’s flame-hot gaze directed at him. It was back, that compelling regard that made Naruto’s body clench. “Naruto, I need you to promise me something.”
Naruto’s mouth felt drier than the sand. “What?” He asked hoarsely, hyperaware of Gaara’s eyes on him.
“Promise me you’ll come back with an answer, whatever it is. Just… I don’t think I can stand to wonder, even if you choose not to---“ He bit his lip, surprisingly human in his helplessness. “I need to know, when you’ve figured it out.”
Gaara had never - not even in the last few days - seemed so young and easy to hurt. It frightened Naruto to realize, to truly and completely realize, that Gaara was in love with him, and whatever he did, it could affect Gaara as deeply as this.
Beneath that emotion another one bubbled up in Naruto’s chest; warm disbelief, when he understood that someone could love him so much and so intensely.
“I promise,” he said at last.
It was a vow he planned to keep.
* * *
Sasuke had been let out of the small cell, and had been placed in a bigger containment area. He was still being questioned by the ANBU regularly, but they no longer interrogated him. The Konoha Council was reviewing his case, and there were many arguments for and against him. Even among the shinobi of the village there seemed to be a discontented air over the matter, no one wanted to speak about it, for fear of finding out their friends or teammates had different opinions.
How like the bastard, to always be at the center of attention, Naruto mused. It was a constant about Sasuke, even when Sasuke whished it weren’t so. He was an unintentional limelight hog.
Naruto had expected to feel nervous when he came back, but it was quite the reverse. It was good to be back; whichever part of him had been so desperate to get away from Konoha had finally calmed down. There was no anguish and no fear, only a curious sense of apprehension. He still had to talk to Sasuke, of course, but it was different now.
He’d left Konoha in a mess, drowned by the reality of Sasuke in his life, weighed under by his own confusing feelings on the matter. While upon leaving his head had been full of Sasuke, full of pain, anger and sorrow, he came back a different man. Sasuke was still there, but his head was full of Gaara now, and a promise he’d made to someone who was waiting for him to find an answer.
* * *
When Naruto came into the room, Sasuke’s eyes widened in disbelief. Naruto thought he looked relieved, and angry, but that might have been his imagination too.
“I thought you finally gave up,” Sasuke scoffed.
Naruto shook his head. “I was out of town, on a mission. Didn’t Sakura tell you?”
Sasuke looked away, fixing a furious stare on the desk that lay beside his bed. It was quite a comfortable cell, all things told.
“Oh… so you thought I just stopped coming because I got fed up with you?” Naruto’s mouth quirked up. How very much like Sasuke to jump to the worst conclusion.
Sasuke shrugged dismissively. “Didn’t you?”
“I was in Suna. Kind of hard to visit you from there.” Naruto smirked. “Why, did you miss me?”
“I don’t get it,” Sasuke whispered, shaking his head angrily. He spoke to no one in particular. “Why do you keep coming back?”
“To Konoha?” Naruto asked, deliberately obtuse.
“To see me!” Sasuke snapped, refusing to take the bait.
Naruto lifted a hand and scratched the back of his head. Nonchalance seemed like the best approach. “Well… I suppose I just wanted to see you. Is that so surprising?”
“Yes, you moron, it is!” Sasuke snarled, banging his fist against the desk. An ink bottle rolled over and fell to the floor with a cloud clink. “Why are you still here, after everything I’ve done?”
Naruto shrugged, uncomfortable with the question. Why, really?
(…then tell me: Do you love Uchiha Sasuke?)
It really was high time he figured these things out.
“Bastard, sit down. We need to talk.”
Sasuke give him an incredulous glare. “Oh no, you did not just say that!” Sasuke sounded amused at first, but when he saw the serious look in Naruto’s eyes, his face showed something akin to fear.
“Sasuke, I mean it.” Naruto moved to sit on a chair that was propped against a wall. “Sit.”
“For fuck’s sake, you sound just like a girl,” Sasuke spat, but he was clearly on the defensive. It surprised Naruto to see Sasuke react so badly to something so simple.
Maybe he knows… what I want to say.
“Don’t be an ass, Uchiha. Talking won’t be the thing that kills you.”
Sasuke gritted his teeth, anger made his cheeks flush. “Fuck off!”
“No. Now sit down, I need to hear you out.”
Sasuke sneered. “Hear me out?”
“Yeah, kind of.” Naruto wasn’t sure of how to go about this conversation, but there was only one direction for him to move in: forwards. “I need to… figure something out.”
Sasuke caved in abruptly. He sat down on the bed, shoulders hunched. “Get it over with.”
Naruto nodded, and watched Sasuke in silence for a few minutes. Sasuke frowned at the scrutiny and gave him a dark glare in return. Naruto did not respond in kind, he was too busy trying to decide what it was that he needed to ask, and how.
He sighed, finally, and spoke: “You once told me that… your future lay in the past. What about your future now? Itachi is dead, your revenge is over. What are you going to do?”
“Why should I tell you?”
“Just answer the damn question, Sasuke! What will you do?”
“I have to revive my clan;” Sasuke snapped, quick as a blade.
“So you’re going to get married and have kids,” Naruto rephrased the statement.
Sasuke’s eyes were dark and inscrutable. “Evidently. I have no intention of raising a line of bastards.”
Naruto nodded and leaned back on the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “And… do you think… that this will make you happy?”
Sasuke stared at Naruto as if he’d gone mad. Then he burst out laughing, a nasty sound. “Happy? Happy? You came all this way to ask me about what will make me happy? Go fuck yourself Uzumaki, if I’m not mistaken, we already had this conversation.”
“Yes, but you didn’t really answer me then either. You talked about getting Sakura to be your breeding cow and having kids, but you never said it would make you happy.”
“And that matters to you all of a sudden?” Sasuke demanded, voice savagely low.
“It has always mattered to me, bastard.”
Sasuke’s eyes glimmered strangely in the dim light of the cell. “It has alw…” Whatever weakness had been on his face was broken down into a look of harried impatience. “You’re so pathetic.”
Naruto didn’t know why he felt as calm as he did, but it was with great relief that he found himself cold to Sasuke’s anger. Not unresponsive, but it didn’t make him desperately angry either. More than anything, it made him sad, because Sasuke seemed to be incapable of reaching for his own happiness, or accepting any degree of kindness from anyone.
“Go away, Naruto. There’s no point in you being here.”
“I can’t go away, Sasuke. You’re too important to me. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I…” Oh, what the hell, Naruto decided. “… I love you, bastard. That’s just it. And after all the shit you’ve put us through, all the shit you’ve put me through, I’d like to think it was worth something more than Itachi’s death.”
Sasuke was frozen where he sat. Panic made his eyes appear too big. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I think I’m…” Naruto paused, and frowned.
He had been going to say he was in love with Sasuke, but the words wouldn’t come. He looked at Sasuke in profound silence, studying his pained, confrontational attitude.
I love you. Naruto had said, and the words had been easy.
But he wasn’t in love with Sasuke, not anymore. He probably hadn’t been for a long time now, even if he would always love Sasuke as more than a brother, or a friend, or a lover. But it just wasn’t the same.
I’m not in love with you anymore.
It was like lifting the weight of a mountain off his chest.
“You see…” Naruto whispered. “I was in love with you for a long time. A long, long time. I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve never claimed to be smart.”
“No, you just claimed to be an undiscovered genius,” Sasuke’s voice seemed faraway and small.
“Ah yes, that too,” Naruto grinned, but Sasuke’s solemn face banished his smile away. “I think I can get over you, if I can at least know you will be happy.”
“That’s idiotic,” Sasuke whispered, looking down at his knees. “You said you loved me, less than five minutes ago, now you say you don’t.” Sasuke sounded--- hurt. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Naruto frowned, smiling weakly. “You make it sound like you wanted me to be in love with you.” Which was ridiculous, right?
Sasuke’s eyes were fever-bright. He opened his mouth to say something, and then apparently thought better of it. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, shoulders sticking out sharply. “No, of course not. That’s just stupid.”
“Sasuke..:” Naruto whispered, because it dawned on him that Sasuke’s feelings on the matter were not nearly as resolved as his own. “If you had a choice…”
And why am I even saying this?
“--- If you had a choice between a life with me, and reviving your clan… what would you choose?”
Naruto didn’t know what compelled him to ask, when the answer might only hurt him further, or throw him off track again. But it was one of those things he just needed to know.
Of course he’ll choose his clan.
Sasuke lifted his head. He stared ahead, eyes unfocused, seeing something far into a future that Naruto couldn’t possibly guess at. Sasuke frowned, and his dark eyes focused back on Naruto, haunted and sad. “I don’t know.”
Something hard and fast fluttered in Naruto’s chest. “You don’t?”
“No, I…” Sasuke shivered, brows drawn. “I don’t know. I don’t know if either of those would make me happy either. I don’t think I can be happy, even if I tried. It might not be in me.” He looked at Naruto suddenly, and the heat in his eyes pierced him. “But I would want to have you, yes.”
Naruto uncrossed his arms and held Sasuke’s gaze.
He wondered what such a confession would have done to him, if he hadn’t gone looking for Gaara. Who knew what other futures might have spread before them both, and what joys, or what pain. Sasuke hadn’t said he loved Naruto, he said he wanted Naruto. But he didn’t know what he wanted more, and Naruto knew, as he’d suspected, that whichever decision Sasuke took, he would still regret not taking the other one.
But the real question is… what would make me happy?
The flame in Sasuke’s eyes died out. He seemed more a shell of a man than anything else. Naruto wanted to reach out and touch him, but he knew better. Some wounds were beyond him to heal. Some things about Sasuke he would simply have to leave alone.
Sasuke passed hand over his eyes and his fingers shook. “Is that what you wanted to hear?” He sounded tired, more than anything else.
“Maybe. I don’t know either.”
Sasuke snorted, and then his mouth pulled down sharply. He pressed his palm against his forehead, covering his eyes. “Please go away.”
“Sasuke…”
“Will you just go!?” Sasuke barked, without uncovering his eyes.
Naruto started. “I’m not sorry you came back, bastard. But I wish you’d get your act together.”
“Fuck you.”
Maybe people like Sasuke and Gaara, who looked so strong and unreachable, were the easiest to break when you actually knew where to poke.
“Be happy, Sasuke. Whatever that means to you.”
I want to see you happy someday.
Naruto got up and left the cell. It was strangely easy to walk out. His body felt light and there were no tangles in his brain or in his heart. The truth was there before him, all Naruto had to do was reach for it.
* * *
“Kazekage-sama, the Konoha envoy is here.”
Naruto heard the muffled words through the door as they were spoken. He stood outside, back straight, waiting for the sign that he could enter. His heart beat quickly and his hands were sweating, but he kept himself still for the sake of appearances at least.
Then:
“Tell him he may come in.”
* * *
When he stepped through the gates of Sunagakura, Temari had been there to greet him. Her face kept twisting in the oddest expressions he’d ever seen her make, but she had squeezed his shoulder affectionately when he asked where Gaara was. Naruto had feared she’d try to kill him, given that she probably knew the whole affair, whether Gaara had told her or not. Women have ways… But she walked him to the building briskly, and he could have sworn there was relief on her face.
“He’s up there, in his office,” Temari said.
“How has he been?”
She faltered, giving him a questioning look. “He’s… concentrating a lot on his duties. There’s been a lot of work for him, since he came back.”
“Oh, so he didn’t get in trouble for disappearing like that?”
Temari’s frown said quite clearly that he was prying in hidden village matters. “Not much,” she relented. “The council accepts that he’s had a lot on his mind, since the conflict with Akatsuki.”
They have no idea what this was really about.
“So he’s okay.” Naruto sighed in relief.
Temari’s mouth twitched. “He’s been absent-minded and pensive, but he has been quite alright, all things told.”
“I’ll just go up then.”
“Naruto,” Temari stopped him, a hand on his arm.
Naruto turned his head and watched her worriedly. “Yes…?”
“Thank you.”
He tipped his head sideways. “What for, Temari?”
She smiled and let him go.
I’m never going to understand women, Naruto concluded, as he walked upstairs.
* * *
“Uzumaki-san, the Kazekage has given you permission to enter.”
The aide bowed once, respectfully, and closed the door behind him.
Gaara sat at his desk, hands clasped over each other. When the aide finally closed the door he sat up straighter and fixed Naruto with a careful stare.
“You came,” Gaara whispered, quite unnecessarily.
“I’m sorry it took so long,” Naruto began. “I actually had a few missions in the middle and then I had to convince Tsunade to actually give me one in this direction.” Now that he was here, he didn’t know what to say. He heard himself rambling on, quite at a loss.
Gaara waved him to silence. “I don’t mind. It is good that you finally came.”
Gaara’s words made Naruto feel warm inside. “Yeah…”
Gaara took a deep breath and stood. He walked around his desk and stopped when he was in front of Naruto. “So? Did you find your answers?”
Naruto reflected that Gaara seemed very composed, and it was rather admirable. Naruto felt nervous enough already and he wasn’t the one who’d been waiting for weeks for an answer. It was easy to think that there was nothing human beneath the wild eyes and cold face. Then a little bit of Gaara’s frustration broke past the surface of his iron control. His face was tense and his eyes were sunken, though not clouded.
“Funnily enough, they were pretty easy to find. I just… had to actually sit down and hash them out.”
Gaara’s face was a study in self-control, but Naruto could see the pinprick of his pupils and knew he was afraid. Naruto rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants and swallowed, suddenly unnerved by the strength of Gaara’s restraint. He would have liked to see Gaara softer and more reachable, like he’d been in the desert.
But Gaara was all Kazekage now, and as such, he waited.
“Tell me, then,” Gaara said, and his eyes were terrible to behold.
( What about your future now?)
(What are you going to do?)
Naruto breathed in, and spoke: “First of all, you have to know this: when I look at the future, I always see Sasuke in it. I can’t imagine a life where he’s not there.” Gaara’s eye slid shut, very slowly, but he didn’t move. “That’s why I looked for him for so long. I love him and he’s a part of my life I can’t deny. I was in love with him for a very long time.”
Gaara’s eyes opened. “Was?”
Trust Gaara to spot the important bits. “Before, yes.”
“Are you sure?” Gaara’s voice was but a whisper.
“I don’t see myself with him, like that. The more I think about it, the more I see myself visiting him and spoiling his kids rotten. You know, giving them candy before dinner just to annoy their dad, and making them addicted to ramen, or buying his wife bright colored clothes that will clash with his. That kind of stuff.” Naruto grinned foxily. “I want to be the awesome-cool uncle every kid wants to have.”
“You’re not in love with him.”
“No,” Naruto repeated, slightly amused at how long it was taking Gaara to process that.
Gaara shuddered and for a moment Naruto thought he was going to say something. Then he was back under control, but his eyes were bright.
“But I’m not in love with you either,” Naruto went on, because he needed Gaara to understand where he was coming from.
This might be selfish, but…
Gaara did not seem surprised by his declaration, but his eyes hardened again. “So, what…?”
“Don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t know yet.” Naruto reached out and touched Gaara’s forearm, felt him jump. “When I thought about all this, I could see my future with Sasuke. I saw a life with my best friend and his hypothetical wife and hypothetical children… and I thought that if that’s how things turn out for Sasuke, it would be nice.”
“What about you, then?”
“I don’t know what my life will be like. I still want to be Hokage, and I want to become the strongest ninja in history, so dating the Kage of a different village might seem kind of nuts. Plus, you dating a genin from a different village might be a very stupid move. Then again, you’re not much the dating type either, but it would take some odd sneaking around, or else it would be a crazy alliance because - what would everyone think, honestly? Two Kages sleeping with each other? What kind of alliance is that?”
“Konoha and Suna will have been allies for a long time before that even becomes an issue,” Gaara growled, watching Naruto out of wary eyes.
“Yes, I know, Gaara! What I’m saying is that the more I tried to picture it, the more complicated it became. I mean, I can picture what Sasuke’s future will be, but I have no idea where you and I will end up. I tried to see it, but it was just… impossible to imagine!”
“Impossible to imagine?” Gaara was starting to sound angry.
“Damn, this is all coming out the wrong way. Gaara, what I’m trying to say is---“
“--- you don’t see a future with me. You already said that.” Gaara turned his back on Naruto and stalked to his desk. He leaned on it heavily.
“Yes… okay, I said that! But it’s not the way it sounds!” Gaara shook his head, and Naruto cursed himself and his inability to put things the right way. “What I was trying to say is that I have no idea where it’s going to go, but I’m okay with that. I want to find out.” Naruto paused, because Gaara’s back had stiffened. “I’m not in love with you, but I care about you Gaara. I want that to be more.”
Gaara’s breathing was loud to both their ears. “Then…?”
“I want to see where this will take us, together.”
I wonder how much we will change, from this moment on. We are so different already, where will this lead us?
Gaara was trembling, and he still hadn’t turned. Naruto watched his back worriedly. “Gaara?”
“You’re terrible at explaining yourself.” Gaara’s voice was gruff.
“I know,” Naruto muttered remorsefully, because he realized he’d hurt Gaara, entirely by accident.
“You made it sound as though you were saying the opposite thing.”
”I know,” Naruto replied, wanting to creep under the carpet.
Gaara turned around, and he looked frazzled but not angry. “I hope your never become Hokage,” he declared incisively.
“Whaat!? Why!?”
“With that mouth of yours, Konoha will be at war with every single country on the map.”
Naruto winced and laughed nervously. “I’m… sorry?”
“I should beat the hell out of you for this.”
“Gaara!” Naruto complained. But any fears Naruto may have had were erased when Gaara smiled.
It was an unusual kind of smile, a bit hopeful and uncertain, but happy too. Naruto didn’t think he’d ever seen Gaara look happy.
Naruto himself wasn’t sure of what would make him truly happy either. He would always wonder about Sasuke, and what might have happened if he hadn’t gone to find Gaara. But Gaara had shown him a different possibility, and though he wasn’t in love - yet - Naruto wanted to be. He wanted to give back in equal measure, and love Gaara just as much, if not more, than Gaara loved him.
The future would be full of change, but he could deal with that. No knowing where it went, or how it would turn out… well, that was half the excitement.
And while the road that had taken him to Gaara was twisted and full of pain, Naruto wanted to believe that the future that lay ahead of them - that impossible, unpredictable future - was brimming over with promise, crammed with excitement, and full of love.
In the end, it was remarkably easy to reach out, and try to be happy.
On reflection, one of the things I needed to learn was to allow myself to be loved.
--- Isha Mckenzie-Mavinga
The End
And that was it. Ze Ende. I really enjoyed writing this! It was damnably difficult, because Naruto kept going all 'Sasukeeeee' on me, but... oh well. I'm glad fireun requested this, because I would have never gone for it on my own.
I hope you all enjoyed it! :)