okay i'm ready
for life to stop sucking.
honestly. i know i know.. it is what you make it, and for goodness sake, i say that enough, i should follow it.
but right now things are just difficult. i don't know why.. it's just every time i turn around and think i'm over things.. something happens to smack me in the face and bring me back down to where i realize it still hurts.. a lot.
just little things.. and i hate it, i can't listen to music while i'm trying to sleep.. it makes me think of adam. which in turn either makes me want to cry or throw up.. i'm not really at a consensus as to how i feel about it in the end. i don't understand him at all.. how one day he has me convinced to walk away, and then 5 minutes later he says/does something to make me think it's possible he does care.. and if he doesn't, then WHY he says these things! but i have walked away.. for good. however, it's just little things like that.. and they upset me way more than they should.
truthfully i think i have a lot of things that are inside that i haven't FULLY dealt with. on the other hand.. i keep saying it's because i've changed.. after justin, i'm not the same.. i know i'm not the same and i hate it. i get hurt more easily, i let things bother me more easily than they should.. and i'm to the point of wondering if maybe i should just accept that that's who i am now and stop being angry that i can't seem to find a way to be that person i was before. and i have no idea which way would be better.. or why i can't get back to who i was. but i do know that i think it sucks that now i'm so much more easily upset and hurt.
i really am just ready for it to stop seeming like everytime i get a grip on things, life pulls the rug out from under me and i'm knocked on my ass again.
i also know that i'm going to drive myself crazy if i keep trying to figure out why OTHER people do things. i barely understand myself half the time.. i'm going to kill myself trying to understand everyone else.
i'm so stuck right now.. i don't understand how you can say you love me, and how i'm so important in your life, and i hold you together.. and then walk away, claiming you're pulling me down. on one hand.. you're right.. it probably is for the best.. but we went through so much.. and we pulled through. i just don't get why now things have changed.. but.. i have to accept it.
some days i'm okay.. other days i'm a mess. but. i'm turning over a new leaf.. i'm moving past ppl i don't need anymore. some of my "friends" that actually sort of suck at being friends.. thanks for nothing <3 and just working on becoming a new person, someone i can be truly happy being. i've learned to rely on myself a lot more.. and to fix my own problems.. and i'm seeing life a lot more clearly. seeing people a lot more clearly. the ones i love and need and can count on.. they are ALWAYS there and i know that. so let me say thank you to a few people that i've leaned on a lot these past few weeks..
- ashley dawn: you are the most amazing person i know. i don't even know if i can put it into words how much you mean to me and how much you help me. you give me the strength and the love and the faith that i don't always have myself.. and without you, i'd be a horrible mess. i love you with my whole heart and then some. MUAH!
- daddy dearest: you are the most amazing daddy anyone could ever ask for.. i don't know how i got so blessed.. but i love you more than anything and i'm dreading the day when you leave this earth because i honestly have no idea how i will continue to live with out you. thank you for always supporting me, always loving me, and always listening when i needed someone to talk to, and for the hugs that only a daddy can give his baby girl. you are my world. i love you.
- momma: we've had our ups and downs, and we still do.. but you are the person i can talk to about a lot of things i never expected to be able to talk to you about, and i love that we are continuing to grow and get closer. no matter what you say, you are NOT a failure and there IS time for you. happiness will find you, you deserve it. i love you momma
- bird, bubby, and monk monk: you three are the reason i got my shit together and the reason i try each and every day to become a better person and to excel at life. i want you three to be able to look at me and know that you CAN do whatever you want and you can rise above your lowest points and still come out on top doing AMAZING things. you guys are my heart and soul, i miss you every day i don't see you, and the time we spend together never seems to last long enough. you're all growing up so fast.. i remember holding each of you in my arms and watching you crawl and take your first steps and speak your first words.. now bird is almost 18, bubby is almost a teenager, and my baby monk monk.. too smart for his own good sometimes. you are all so beautiful, so intelligent, and so full of potential. you guys make me proud each and every day. i will always support you and always love you, keep dreaming big, and growing and don't EVER let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. you are going to be amazing adults, and wonderful uncles one day. just know, i live for you, i breathe for you, without the 3 of you, my life would literally lose all meaning. everyday i love you a little more, sometimes so much that i think my heart will explode. muah! i love you boys.
- manda panda boo bear: wow... when i met you i never expected us to be friends.. and i certainly never thought i'd learn to love you so much and you'd become such a huge part of my life. i can talk to you about anything and everything.. you are one of the first people (more often than not you are THE first person) that i call when i have a problem, or just need to talk, or just want to have a good laugh. you're like a sister to me, and i'd do anything for you. thanks for always being there for me.. especially when it seems like i'll never stop whining.. you just kept listening.. and i can't tell you how much you mean to me. just as long as you keep helping me with wedding plans, and we keep our movie dates, haha i love you my panda boo bear!
-mich: 8 years.. what a long time! you ARE part of my family, and i've grown to feel like part of yours. and you've been there for my crazy ass through all of it. i know it's been difficult for you, because you often disagree with decisions that i make. but none the less you are a pillar of strength that i can always count on. you always listen, shake your head, and tell me to get my ass together. lol. and that is something i often need. i feel as if it weren't for you, i might not be putting that little EXTRA effort into being a better person, personally, academically, and emotionally. i love you mich (and your familia!), you're the other half of my pickle and rye sandwich and my life needs you in it. thank you for being there <3
honestly. i know i know.. it is what you make it, and for goodness sake, i say that enough, i should follow it.
but right now things are just difficult. i don't know why.. it's just every time i turn around and think i'm over things.. something happens to smack me in the face and bring me back down to where i realize it still hurts.. a lot.
just little things.. and i hate it, i can't listen to music while i'm trying to sleep.. it makes me think of adam. which in turn either makes me want to cry or throw up.. i'm not really at a consensus as to how i feel about it in the end. i don't understand him at all.. how one day he has me convinced to walk away, and then 5 minutes later he says/does something to make me think it's possible he does care.. and if he doesn't, then WHY he says these things! but i have walked away.. for good. however, it's just little things like that.. and they upset me way more than they should.
truthfully i think i have a lot of things that are inside that i haven't FULLY dealt with. on the other hand.. i keep saying it's because i've changed.. after justin, i'm not the same.. i know i'm not the same and i hate it. i get hurt more easily, i let things bother me more easily than they should.. and i'm to the point of wondering if maybe i should just accept that that's who i am now and stop being angry that i can't seem to find a way to be that person i was before. and i have no idea which way would be better.. or why i can't get back to who i was. but i do know that i think it sucks that now i'm so much more easily upset and hurt.
i really am just ready for it to stop seeming like everytime i get a grip on things, life pulls the rug out from under me and i'm knocked on my ass again.
i also know that i'm going to drive myself crazy if i keep trying to figure out why OTHER people do things. i barely understand myself half the time.. i'm going to kill myself trying to understand everyone else.
i'm so stuck right now.. i don't understand how you can say you love me, and how i'm so important in your life, and i hold you together.. and then walk away, claiming you're pulling me down. on one hand.. you're right.. it probably is for the best.. but we went through so much.. and we pulled through. i just don't get why now things have changed.. but.. i have to accept it.
some days i'm okay.. other days i'm a mess. but. i'm turning over a new leaf.. i'm moving past ppl i don't need anymore. some of my "friends" that actually sort of suck at being friends.. thanks for nothing <3 and just working on becoming a new person, someone i can be truly happy being. i've learned to rely on myself a lot more.. and to fix my own problems.. and i'm seeing life a lot more clearly. seeing people a lot more clearly. the ones i love and need and can count on.. they are ALWAYS there and i know that. so let me say thank you to a few people that i've leaned on a lot these past few weeks..
- ashley dawn: you are the most amazing person i know. i don't even know if i can put it into words how much you mean to me and how much you help me. you give me the strength and the love and the faith that i don't always have myself.. and without you, i'd be a horrible mess. i love you with my whole heart and then some. MUAH!
- daddy dearest: you are the most amazing daddy anyone could ever ask for.. i don't know how i got so blessed.. but i love you more than anything and i'm dreading the day when you leave this earth because i honestly have no idea how i will continue to live with out you. thank you for always supporting me, always loving me, and always listening when i needed someone to talk to, and for the hugs that only a daddy can give his baby girl. you are my world. i love you.
- momma: we've had our ups and downs, and we still do.. but you are the person i can talk to about a lot of things i never expected to be able to talk to you about, and i love that we are continuing to grow and get closer. no matter what you say, you are NOT a failure and there IS time for you. happiness will find you, you deserve it. i love you momma
- bird, bubby, and monk monk: you three are the reason i got my shit together and the reason i try each and every day to become a better person and to excel at life. i want you three to be able to look at me and know that you CAN do whatever you want and you can rise above your lowest points and still come out on top doing AMAZING things. you guys are my heart and soul, i miss you every day i don't see you, and the time we spend together never seems to last long enough. you're all growing up so fast.. i remember holding each of you in my arms and watching you crawl and take your first steps and speak your first words.. now bird is almost 18, bubby is almost a teenager, and my baby monk monk.. too smart for his own good sometimes. you are all so beautiful, so intelligent, and so full of potential. you guys make me proud each and every day. i will always support you and always love you, keep dreaming big, and growing and don't EVER let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. you are going to be amazing adults, and wonderful uncles one day. just know, i live for you, i breathe for you, without the 3 of you, my life would literally lose all meaning. everyday i love you a little more, sometimes so much that i think my heart will explode. muah! i love you boys.
- manda panda boo bear: wow... when i met you i never expected us to be friends.. and i certainly never thought i'd learn to love you so much and you'd become such a huge part of my life. i can talk to you about anything and everything.. you are one of the first people (more often than not you are THE first person) that i call when i have a problem, or just need to talk, or just want to have a good laugh. you're like a sister to me, and i'd do anything for you. thanks for always being there for me.. especially when it seems like i'll never stop whining.. you just kept listening.. and i can't tell you how much you mean to me. just as long as you keep helping me with wedding plans, and we keep our movie dates, haha i love you my panda boo bear!
-mich: 8 years.. what a long time! you ARE part of my family, and i've grown to feel like part of yours. and you've been there for my crazy ass through all of it. i know it's been difficult for you, because you often disagree with decisions that i make. but none the less you are a pillar of strength that i can always count on. you always listen, shake your head, and tell me to get my ass together. lol. and that is something i often need. i feel as if it weren't for you, i might not be putting that little EXTRA effort into being a better person, personally, academically, and emotionally. i love you mich (and your familia!), you're the other half of my pickle and rye sandwich and my life needs you in it. thank you for being there <3