My friends.
I know that I've written a lot the last few days... and it's actually felt really good, even if sometimes I don't quite get how I'm feeling into the text box in a way that everyone can really understand what I'm trying to say. I've spent the last few days freaking out just a little because I last talked to my bestie when she was telling me how horrible sick she was feeling and how she thought she'd caught the swine flu, almost a week ago. She wasn't answering texts and wasn't getting online.
And if really made me realize that when I freak out and get depressed, my first assumption that I make is that everyone is going to abandon me, doesn't want me, secretly hates me. ANd it's not because I don't trust them enough to think they're better than that... It's because I think I'm horrible enough for that to be a very likely scenario.
But I don't say it often enough... although I do try to say it a lot, I have the best friends on the planet. Not all of them are here. I have never hugged some of you. Never been able to decide on a whim to show up with a movie and vodka and make you feel better if I know you're down. But I love all of you. I love you even in spite of, and sometimes because of, your various lovely flaws. I love silly texts when I'm down. I love it when someone who hasn't been on the nets in ages knows just when to im me, just when I need a smile. I love that my friends who are close, in proximity, show up to tell me I've gotten them hooked on winter sports just in the moment when I've giving up on the idea that any of them care about me really.
My friends make me want to post silly photos with over-dramatic quotes all over blogs, but they also make me want to... stay in shitty hotels following a band around the country setting off smoke detectors with hot plates. We all have to start somewhere. One of my favorite athletes has said that that's where he came from and he wouldn't trade it for extra years of being rich and famous, not ever. And I know that the people I love are amazing enough to make it big in life. They may never be famous athletes, but they have all already made a major impact on at least my life and I can only assume on the lives of others. No one is perfect, but all of the people who currently surround me deserve all the love they get. I cannot make all the romantic loves that they would like to work out, work out. But I can hope for them. I can be here for them if they need me.
I am sorry to all of my friends, that they somehow are the first for me to push away when I'm upset. I am going to try not to do that so much. I love you all. Just knowing that you're out there, that you care enough sometimes to call me a friend. To send silly texts and think of me. That's all I need to smile, even when I feel like there's nowhere to go.
And if really made me realize that when I freak out and get depressed, my first assumption that I make is that everyone is going to abandon me, doesn't want me, secretly hates me. ANd it's not because I don't trust them enough to think they're better than that... It's because I think I'm horrible enough for that to be a very likely scenario.
But I don't say it often enough... although I do try to say it a lot, I have the best friends on the planet. Not all of them are here. I have never hugged some of you. Never been able to decide on a whim to show up with a movie and vodka and make you feel better if I know you're down. But I love all of you. I love you even in spite of, and sometimes because of, your various lovely flaws. I love silly texts when I'm down. I love it when someone who hasn't been on the nets in ages knows just when to im me, just when I need a smile. I love that my friends who are close, in proximity, show up to tell me I've gotten them hooked on winter sports just in the moment when I've giving up on the idea that any of them care about me really.
My friends make me want to post silly photos with over-dramatic quotes all over blogs, but they also make me want to... stay in shitty hotels following a band around the country setting off smoke detectors with hot plates. We all have to start somewhere. One of my favorite athletes has said that that's where he came from and he wouldn't trade it for extra years of being rich and famous, not ever. And I know that the people I love are amazing enough to make it big in life. They may never be famous athletes, but they have all already made a major impact on at least my life and I can only assume on the lives of others. No one is perfect, but all of the people who currently surround me deserve all the love they get. I cannot make all the romantic loves that they would like to work out, work out. But I can hope for them. I can be here for them if they need me.
I am sorry to all of my friends, that they somehow are the first for me to push away when I'm upset. I am going to try not to do that so much. I love you all. Just knowing that you're out there, that you care enough sometimes to call me a friend. To send silly texts and think of me. That's all I need to smile, even when I feel like there's nowhere to go.