(no subject)
So i know my journal tends to be depressing when i write about real life.
And I've looked back over everything and I realized that my life looks horrible or I look like an emo kid, on Lj. Which is depressing 'cause really it's neither of these things. I just only write about the bad things here. LJ has become like... my weird journal of hatred. Where I vent everything that I hate about everything that's going on. And I feel like this little corner of the web deserves better than that. It deserves stupid dreams and silly thoughts and little moments and handwritten colorful signs and indignant rants about things I care about.
But the last few weeks other than being horrifyingly stressful haven't been too bad. It's a bit like smiling while they tell you that you probably have to go run faster than a pack of wolves to get what you want. I dunno. I have no money. I have no idea where the money that I thought I had went. I spent a harrowing week fairly certain that I was going to have to drop out of college because I have no money to pay tuition. I am also pretty depressed about my lack of love ever. Everyone I fall for will never love me back. I'm not sure I'm capable of falling out of love. And I definitely don't have bad taste, I just have unfortunate taste, people who deserve better than me and will get better than me. There's no reason they would love me the way I love them, and I'm okay with that. I'm getting better at hiding all the sad things I'm feeling, and while that is making me come off as more removed, it is keeping my friends out of my mire of sad. When I get sad and I'm trying to be all open and no walls and all that emotional bullshit, people are aware of what's going on, which means that they cannot carelessly convince me to do a ton of things I don't want to do in good conscience. However all these fucking pointless things that I don't want to do, keep my mind off everything I'm feeling that I'm just too tired to feel anymore.
Also, guys this year rocks in 'sports Blair cares about'. Right now it's WInter X Games (Shaun White just slammed his face into the deck of the superpipe on a ridiculous new trick and his comments about it were, to his brother: I'm gonna go do it again. And after seeing the replay: Wow... my hair looks AMAZING.) In February it'll be the WInter Olympics. And while there are things like.... Who can sweep the ice fastest, in the Winter Olympics, there is also more snowboarding. AND this summer, is World Cup soccer in 2010. Skiing and Snowboarding never cease to make me happy. I don't even care whose up. I love Shaun White 'cause he usually brings it big and makes everyone step up. But watching two new tricks get pulled on skiing Big Air. Seeing someone go perfect I dunno. There's something about the extreme snow sports that just elevates my mood like almost nothing else can.
I seem to have acquired the best friends anyone could ask for... I don't know how. But really. Everyone I love is pretty much always there for me when i really need them and there to send me something silly to make me smile, or show up at my room with booze and promise of a good movie.
It's the little things like... Someone stopping me on my way out of the building away from class to give me a hug in the cold. Those are the things that never make it into this little journal of horrible and should. So, this is officially my sorry to my Lj, and a promise that I won't take everything out on said little journal thing anymore.
And I've looked back over everything and I realized that my life looks horrible or I look like an emo kid, on Lj. Which is depressing 'cause really it's neither of these things. I just only write about the bad things here. LJ has become like... my weird journal of hatred. Where I vent everything that I hate about everything that's going on. And I feel like this little corner of the web deserves better than that. It deserves stupid dreams and silly thoughts and little moments and handwritten colorful signs and indignant rants about things I care about.
But the last few weeks other than being horrifyingly stressful haven't been too bad. It's a bit like smiling while they tell you that you probably have to go run faster than a pack of wolves to get what you want. I dunno. I have no money. I have no idea where the money that I thought I had went. I spent a harrowing week fairly certain that I was going to have to drop out of college because I have no money to pay tuition. I am also pretty depressed about my lack of love ever. Everyone I fall for will never love me back. I'm not sure I'm capable of falling out of love. And I definitely don't have bad taste, I just have unfortunate taste, people who deserve better than me and will get better than me. There's no reason they would love me the way I love them, and I'm okay with that. I'm getting better at hiding all the sad things I'm feeling, and while that is making me come off as more removed, it is keeping my friends out of my mire of sad. When I get sad and I'm trying to be all open and no walls and all that emotional bullshit, people are aware of what's going on, which means that they cannot carelessly convince me to do a ton of things I don't want to do in good conscience. However all these fucking pointless things that I don't want to do, keep my mind off everything I'm feeling that I'm just too tired to feel anymore.
Also, guys this year rocks in 'sports Blair cares about'. Right now it's WInter X Games (Shaun White just slammed his face into the deck of the superpipe on a ridiculous new trick and his comments about it were, to his brother: I'm gonna go do it again. And after seeing the replay: Wow... my hair looks AMAZING.) In February it'll be the WInter Olympics. And while there are things like.... Who can sweep the ice fastest, in the Winter Olympics, there is also more snowboarding. AND this summer, is World Cup soccer in 2010. Skiing and Snowboarding never cease to make me happy. I don't even care whose up. I love Shaun White 'cause he usually brings it big and makes everyone step up. But watching two new tricks get pulled on skiing Big Air. Seeing someone go perfect I dunno. There's something about the extreme snow sports that just elevates my mood like almost nothing else can.
I seem to have acquired the best friends anyone could ask for... I don't know how. But really. Everyone I love is pretty much always there for me when i really need them and there to send me something silly to make me smile, or show up at my room with booze and promise of a good movie.
It's the little things like... Someone stopping me on my way out of the building away from class to give me a hug in the cold. Those are the things that never make it into this little journal of horrible and should. So, this is officially my sorry to my Lj, and a promise that I won't take everything out on said little journal thing anymore.