Epiphany
Every once in a while, I'd get hit with something that would give me extra baggage. A friend's betrayal, an organization that I'd come to believe in reversing course in such a manner that I feel shamed to have associated with them (let alone trust and recommend their services!)
Every once in a while, I'd write one of these missives.
I'd include, at some part, "maybe it's me"... Of course, I never truly believed that. Sure, I'd contribute, be too trusting, have my own selfishness/idiocy/disorganization adding fuel to the fire of my disdain. But I always KNEW that I was in "the right"...
Today I realized...
It isn't "them".. It truly *IS* me that's causing my angst.
The breakthrough was Bryan's wedding. It isn't that the man is looking to insult me, he's living his life. It just happens to also be that *I* felt I should be included, thereby making myself feel unwanted and the subject of ingratitude. My own expectations caused this. Life is 100% perception. I hold myself to my own standards, because I feel they should be done that way. Those standards are shaped by my experiences in society, the things I've done and been. If I choose to apply my experiences in the Marine Corps to my civilian life, then reasonably, I should sport a close cropped haircut and be adorned with multiple tattoos. My hair is long because I like it that way and I could never find anything I wanted to wake up and see for the rest of my life.
My choice.
It's also my choice to be disappointed by people and their actions. Simply because *I* think friends should include each other in important events, doesn't mean they think that way. Nothing is guaranteed. When I look at the word trust, it meant something to me, an order, a progression. A + B = C
Life doesn't follow rules. People don't either. Trust isn't betrayed. It's just wrong. Life isn't a progression of set rules and paths to follow, it is a chaotic mess, a storm to weather. Some people learn to weave better. Some people dodge the chaos behind others, letting them take the fall instead. I used to rail against "wrongs" and keep myself on a linear path, with enough diversions to the dark and light side to keep myself interested.
I was wrong.
All the anger and effort I expended about "wrong" this and "woulda, coulda, shoulda" is just hot air. People don't "suck". Mankind isn't inherently anything, let alone evil. But I've had it wrong for a long, long time. People don't "let you down". People are just selfish at that particular moment. They are living their lives. It's my "trust" of them that is in the way. Everyone is capable of anything. They are just not likely to do most things. There *IS* no such thing as trust. Just probabilities. Most people won't hurt you. Until they do. Accidental, intentional, sometimes even planned.
I once thought that suspecting everyone of everything was a paranoid and hateful way to live. I realize that it's freedom. I can't be let down if I don't have expectations. If I don't care about the outcome, call it trust. If I care about the outcome, do it myself or make sure it happens.
Freedom.
I started off the day with a heaviness in my heart. I feel better than I have in years. I feel like I've cut the ties to a heavy weight I've been dragging for years.
Anybody is capable of anything. It's my choice how, why and IF to care about .. everything. I am the one who chooses if I am hurt.
I choose not to be.
Every once in a while, I'd write one of these missives.
I'd include, at some part, "maybe it's me"... Of course, I never truly believed that. Sure, I'd contribute, be too trusting, have my own selfishness/idiocy/disorganization adding fuel to the fire of my disdain. But I always KNEW that I was in "the right"...
Today I realized...
It isn't "them".. It truly *IS* me that's causing my angst.
The breakthrough was Bryan's wedding. It isn't that the man is looking to insult me, he's living his life. It just happens to also be that *I* felt I should be included, thereby making myself feel unwanted and the subject of ingratitude. My own expectations caused this. Life is 100% perception. I hold myself to my own standards, because I feel they should be done that way. Those standards are shaped by my experiences in society, the things I've done and been. If I choose to apply my experiences in the Marine Corps to my civilian life, then reasonably, I should sport a close cropped haircut and be adorned with multiple tattoos. My hair is long because I like it that way and I could never find anything I wanted to wake up and see for the rest of my life.
My choice.
It's also my choice to be disappointed by people and their actions. Simply because *I* think friends should include each other in important events, doesn't mean they think that way. Nothing is guaranteed. When I look at the word trust, it meant something to me, an order, a progression. A + B = C
Life doesn't follow rules. People don't either. Trust isn't betrayed. It's just wrong. Life isn't a progression of set rules and paths to follow, it is a chaotic mess, a storm to weather. Some people learn to weave better. Some people dodge the chaos behind others, letting them take the fall instead. I used to rail against "wrongs" and keep myself on a linear path, with enough diversions to the dark and light side to keep myself interested.
I was wrong.
All the anger and effort I expended about "wrong" this and "woulda, coulda, shoulda" is just hot air. People don't "suck". Mankind isn't inherently anything, let alone evil. But I've had it wrong for a long, long time. People don't "let you down". People are just selfish at that particular moment. They are living their lives. It's my "trust" of them that is in the way. Everyone is capable of anything. They are just not likely to do most things. There *IS* no such thing as trust. Just probabilities. Most people won't hurt you. Until they do. Accidental, intentional, sometimes even planned.
I once thought that suspecting everyone of everything was a paranoid and hateful way to live. I realize that it's freedom. I can't be let down if I don't have expectations. If I don't care about the outcome, call it trust. If I care about the outcome, do it myself or make sure it happens.
Freedom.
I started off the day with a heaviness in my heart. I feel better than I have in years. I feel like I've cut the ties to a heavy weight I've been dragging for years.
Anybody is capable of anything. It's my choice how, why and IF to care about .. everything. I am the one who chooses if I am hurt.
I choose not to be.