the fast and the furious
I've decided to watch every Fast & Furious movie ever made. This promises to be a wild ride.
What I know about this franchise:
- I think I've seen the second one--possibly at the drive-in? But that would've been literally half my lifetime ago, so I don't remember much.
- I saw a really short piece of one movie a few years ago, and it showed all the tough guys and gals gathering around the table, passing baskets of rolls, and saying grace...apparently the day after they all, like, blew up a submarine or something.
- I know Vin Diesel's character is obsessed with the power of family, which has become a meme sensation. Some even believe that Universal started the meme as a stealth marketing campaign for their upcoming Fast 9 movie.
- Everyone drives quickly and aggressively.
So, this inaugural movie starts off with longhaul truckers getting hijacked left and right by a gang of fast & furious road pirates. The pirates drive identical black Honda Civics (souped-up, presumably) with neon-green underbody lights. Because you definitely want your mark to be able to see you coming from two miles away. The thieves are stealing mad DVD players and digital cameras and only need a couple more big scores before they can retire.
Meanwhile, a cool dude named Brian goes to a street race because he's an undercover cop, and he figures the hijackers must be active in the underground race scene. So he challenges Vin Diesel and some of his friends to a race. (If you have guessed that Vin Diesel is the leader of the thieves, then you are correct.)
The races are ridiculous. About a thousand people show up, each driving a preposterous vehicle, and they somehow close off MILES of Los Angeles surface streets without any interference. There's one guy monitoring a police scanner, and he's like, "There was just a shooting across town; the cops will be all tied up! LET'S RACE!"
Uh, dude. According to www.google.com, the LAPD has at least 9000 officers. You're telling me NO ONE would notice or be available to respond to an illegal street race taking up dozens of city blocks?
No, reader, I'm not letting this go. I hear you saying: well, the scene takes place at night; it's probably like 2 AM and maybe that explains why there's no traffic or people trying to cross the street, and maybe (maybe?) they don't have as many cops on duty in the middle of the night.
Well I hate to burst your bubble, but two things:
1) Even in, say, Buffalo, NY--a city perhaps 1/40th the size of Los Angeles by population--you could never pull this off. There would always be someone walking or driving around. The cops would get called so fast you wouldn't believe it.
2) In the movie, a Pizza Hut delivery guy honks his horn at a blocked intersection, only to be turned away by racer punks. Again, www.google.com confirms that all Pizza Hut locations in the Los Angeles area are open only until midnight. This is clearly not a two-in-the-morning, graveyard shift type of situation.
Something you need to know, which I assume will carry you through the entire franchise, is that street racers use nitrous oxide to make their cars go REALLY fast! I don't know the science of how this works. Apparently, you keep cannisters of this special gas under your passenger seat and then push a button on your steering wheel when you want to release it. When this happens, your car becomes the Millennium Falcon in hyperspace. Every time a driver hits the "noz" or "spray," the streetlights and surrounding environment stretch into fluorescent spaghetti, suggesting the laws of physics are in peril of flying apart before their eyes.
Man! Plus, the other thing is, how many times do you need to shift gears? Shifting gears aggressively is always very "cool," but, like...most cars only have five or six? Why would you need to shift a hundred times if you're just driving in a straight line? Look, I'm just an average person who drives a regular car without nitrous oxide or neon lights, so I admit I'm speaking from a place of ignorance. Maybe there's an advantage to stomping the clutch straight through the floor and yanking the gearshift around like a dog shaking a rat.
Anyways, Brian earns the respect of Vin Diesel, and they start to hang out, building cars and stuff. There is a gang of Chinese punks who drive around on motorcycles and shoot everybody, and you know somethin'? They really shoulda just left well enough alone, because eventually they shoot one of Vin Diesel's best buddies, and that makes him REAL mad. So mad, he decides to CHASE THEM DOWN using the REALLY SPECIAL CAR he's been saving but has NEVER driven before. Brian decides to help him, and through the power of determination and teamwork they succeed.
THEN!
Having killed the Chinese gangsters, Brian and Vin Diesel just up and DRAG RACE for no reason and almost get hit by a TRAIN. But don't think they got away with it, because in the next second Vin Diesel's special car gets broadsided by a semi, and let's just say he ain't covered by Geico. So, with the cops closing in, Brian tosses Vin Diesel the keys to his own car so he can drive away to Mexico. Because bros before po-pos.
Bottom line: Straight-up car porn for teenage boys but pretty funny.
Watch again? You know, I just might, if it were ever to stream for free somewhere. But driving to the library in my normal car, borrowing the DVD, and putting it in my non-stolen DVD player is too much effort.