(no subject)
I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore...and thats why maybe it will feel good to just let out the ideas in my head so they arent visible on paper to be found. if the one i talk about tonight reads this, he was searching for it.
I think hes cheating on me.
I'm pretty sure too.
There are so many signs that I see all the time.
1) constant trips into the bathroom for at least 15 min each. its not normal for a person to have that bad of a digestive system. no one poops that much every night. he's probably talking to her.
2) found a note from "shannon" with her phone number saying "how about you call me instead" which to the normal mind would think he must have given her his number first and told her to text him and she sent that as a response
3) i found a condom in his pants pocket. yeah that right there should have said it all...
4) he seems to be more irritated by me now. i remember acting the same way with dan. less tolerating. more irritated. snappy. distancing.
5) normal things we do together (cuddling, sex, holding hands) are completly gone. occasionally holding hands while driving.
6) he doesnt tell anyone about me. is he embarassed? is he trying to act single. thats my guess. his co workers seem shocked when they hear i'm his girlfriend.
7) he makes me kiss him far away from his work so no one sees. one time we were sitting in the car when i dropped him off and he looked in the window and saw a waitress standing there...he said "lets just sit for a minute..i dont have to be in just yet" but like a few seconds later he was ready to get out and give me my quick kiss.
8) one day i came home with my pictures all laying down. face down. shady
9) he acts weird when i want to take MY car when im not working. he acted like it was some sort of inconvenience that he had to pick me up like 1 block away at the mall and take him to work. it just seems weird.
10) hes a liar. he lies about a lot of things. he swears he didnt smoke in the house but my couch has cigarette burns. he hurries into the bedroom to pick up cups with butts in them...i see them. he swears he doesnt watch XXX movies but our netflix seems to think he does. and so do i.
i dont know why he does any of these things. why doesnt he just end it if he wants to be with someone else. why is he dragging me along.
i really care a lot about him. but i have my own fears.
Im only 27. i have ambitions for life. i have 2 jobs and i work really hard and long days to try to make my bills. i cover a lot of bills and expenses myself. i just dont see the same in him. i want a family. i want someone who loves me so unconditionally that he wants to shout at the top of his lungs to world that he found the love of his life...not try to pretend that someone that could offer so much doesnt even exist.
i am sad as i write this because these thoughts are constantly flowing through my head...its hard. its really really fucking hard to be who i am...a very cheery and happy person. i find joy in things even if people usually dont. i feel like a hypocrit. its my armor i have on the outside that protects my inside.
i just wish i could get a final answer...is it yes or no. is it me or her. why her. why me.
i feel i know the answer. but i dont want to digest it. i have a lot invested. time. friends. our little kitty chino.
that also worries me. if we break up...i want him. i dont think he will be able to take care of him right. hes never cleaned the cat box. i constantly have to ask him if they cats have food. he claims they do and then looks. "oh i just filled that this morning"...bullshit. you did not. Plus hes my little buddy too. and ninas.
I need to get to a final answer...before it breaks me down.
DONT give me advice. this isnt your relationship. this isnt your problem. i am aware of my choices and i will do what i need to do when i feel ready for them. im tired of people pushing their ideas and thoughts and tips and tricks and theories...just shut it. i am not as stupid as everyone esecially he thinks. i kep tallies. i know the score. but its not the final round and i am working out the game plan. simple enough.
so to rap it up.
i think hes cheating. there are signs. i DONT want advice.
I think hes cheating on me.
I'm pretty sure too.
There are so many signs that I see all the time.
1) constant trips into the bathroom for at least 15 min each. its not normal for a person to have that bad of a digestive system. no one poops that much every night. he's probably talking to her.
2) found a note from "shannon" with her phone number saying "how about you call me instead" which to the normal mind would think he must have given her his number first and told her to text him and she sent that as a response
3) i found a condom in his pants pocket. yeah that right there should have said it all...
4) he seems to be more irritated by me now. i remember acting the same way with dan. less tolerating. more irritated. snappy. distancing.
5) normal things we do together (cuddling, sex, holding hands) are completly gone. occasionally holding hands while driving.
6) he doesnt tell anyone about me. is he embarassed? is he trying to act single. thats my guess. his co workers seem shocked when they hear i'm his girlfriend.
7) he makes me kiss him far away from his work so no one sees. one time we were sitting in the car when i dropped him off and he looked in the window and saw a waitress standing there...he said "lets just sit for a minute..i dont have to be in just yet" but like a few seconds later he was ready to get out and give me my quick kiss.
8) one day i came home with my pictures all laying down. face down. shady
9) he acts weird when i want to take MY car when im not working. he acted like it was some sort of inconvenience that he had to pick me up like 1 block away at the mall and take him to work. it just seems weird.
10) hes a liar. he lies about a lot of things. he swears he didnt smoke in the house but my couch has cigarette burns. he hurries into the bedroom to pick up cups with butts in them...i see them. he swears he doesnt watch XXX movies but our netflix seems to think he does. and so do i.
i dont know why he does any of these things. why doesnt he just end it if he wants to be with someone else. why is he dragging me along.
i really care a lot about him. but i have my own fears.
Im only 27. i have ambitions for life. i have 2 jobs and i work really hard and long days to try to make my bills. i cover a lot of bills and expenses myself. i just dont see the same in him. i want a family. i want someone who loves me so unconditionally that he wants to shout at the top of his lungs to world that he found the love of his life...not try to pretend that someone that could offer so much doesnt even exist.
i am sad as i write this because these thoughts are constantly flowing through my head...its hard. its really really fucking hard to be who i am...a very cheery and happy person. i find joy in things even if people usually dont. i feel like a hypocrit. its my armor i have on the outside that protects my inside.
i just wish i could get a final answer...is it yes or no. is it me or her. why her. why me.
i feel i know the answer. but i dont want to digest it. i have a lot invested. time. friends. our little kitty chino.
that also worries me. if we break up...i want him. i dont think he will be able to take care of him right. hes never cleaned the cat box. i constantly have to ask him if they cats have food. he claims they do and then looks. "oh i just filled that this morning"...bullshit. you did not. Plus hes my little buddy too. and ninas.
I need to get to a final answer...before it breaks me down.
DONT give me advice. this isnt your relationship. this isnt your problem. i am aware of my choices and i will do what i need to do when i feel ready for them. im tired of people pushing their ideas and thoughts and tips and tricks and theories...just shut it. i am not as stupid as everyone esecially he thinks. i kep tallies. i know the score. but its not the final round and i am working out the game plan. simple enough.
so to rap it up.
i think hes cheating. there are signs. i DONT want advice.