sleep = none .......therefore, glass = half empty
It was a dark and stormy night ... I was locked in the tallest tower of a haunted castle, listening to ominous organ music that was wafting up to my room from the damp, musty ballroom on the ground floor.
Alright, alright. It was a actually a sunny Friday afternoon and I was really only sitting in Ms. Donovan's office, listening to the Coldplay music she had playing on her stereo. But something happened that day that made the situation impossibly hard to distinguish from the former tale.
It was toward the end of my required college chat with her. Ah yes, my friend, i remember it clearly.
D: So what is your highest goal in life?
A: "To be a good friend. To help anyone and everyone I can. Brightening peoples' days in any way possible. Well, all I really want is to impact the life of ONE person. If I end up changing the lives of more than one person, I will be REALLY happy, but all I really want is to help at least one person."
D: Well, you have to do something for YOURSELF too. Just dont spend too much time trying to make others happy if its at the expense of your own happiness.
A: Thats true, but helping others IS what makes me happy
D: What is your greatest accomplishment?
This is where my answers stopped making sense (psh, as if they had made sense before...). Why? Because reality had just smacked me in the face with the force eqivalent to a blow from a metal baseball bat. Thoughts raced through my head, each one making me a little sadder than the last.
have i even helped anyone? fuck, i dont think ive made a difference at ALL. FUCK. I dont think I've impacted anyone. oh god. who am i kidding? no one's life will ever change for the better because of me. i mean i hope so, but given my progress so far, i'd say its looking pretty unlikely. oh GOD. i'm so replaceable. I could die tomorrow and no one would be impacted by it. Its not like anyone would start feeling an enormous void. Or wish "If only Lexi were here" when they need someone to be there for them. Truth is, I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I've tried hard and thats what counts i guess. But not for me....i'm not satisfied with fucking "trying hard"
I guess thats why I've been feeling sort of down lately. There are other reasons too....but this is one of the main ones i think.
God, I dont even want to think about it anymore.
What a waste of sixteen years. What a waste of time and space I am.
Sure, the family would disagree in a heart beat. But thats in their job description.
MY LIFE MEANS NOTHING. Right now, thats what i feel like. And it sucks.
......by the way, dont think i'm suicidal or anything. i just need sleep.
Alright, alright. It was a actually a sunny Friday afternoon and I was really only sitting in Ms. Donovan's office, listening to the Coldplay music she had playing on her stereo. But something happened that day that made the situation impossibly hard to distinguish from the former tale.
It was toward the end of my required college chat with her. Ah yes, my friend, i remember it clearly.
D: So what is your highest goal in life?
A: "To be a good friend. To help anyone and everyone I can. Brightening peoples' days in any way possible. Well, all I really want is to impact the life of ONE person. If I end up changing the lives of more than one person, I will be REALLY happy, but all I really want is to help at least one person."
D: Well, you have to do something for YOURSELF too. Just dont spend too much time trying to make others happy if its at the expense of your own happiness.
A: Thats true, but helping others IS what makes me happy
D: What is your greatest accomplishment?
This is where my answers stopped making sense (psh, as if they had made sense before...). Why? Because reality had just smacked me in the face with the force eqivalent to a blow from a metal baseball bat. Thoughts raced through my head, each one making me a little sadder than the last.
have i even helped anyone? fuck, i dont think ive made a difference at ALL. FUCK. I dont think I've impacted anyone. oh god. who am i kidding? no one's life will ever change for the better because of me. i mean i hope so, but given my progress so far, i'd say its looking pretty unlikely. oh GOD. i'm so replaceable. I could die tomorrow and no one would be impacted by it. Its not like anyone would start feeling an enormous void. Or wish "If only Lexi were here" when they need someone to be there for them. Truth is, I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I've tried hard and thats what counts i guess. But not for me....i'm not satisfied with fucking "trying hard"
I guess thats why I've been feeling sort of down lately. There are other reasons too....but this is one of the main ones i think.
God, I dont even want to think about it anymore.
What a waste of sixteen years. What a waste of time and space I am.
Sure, the family would disagree in a heart beat. But thats in their job description.
MY LIFE MEANS NOTHING. Right now, thats what i feel like. And it sucks.
......by the way, dont think i'm suicidal or anything. i just need sleep.