(no subject)
ugh I'm home for a short break, than I've to go back to the warehouse for more work- or to do the industry tonight until midnight. something i want to do really- note the joy there! it's hard enough to get my ass out for work, but to go in for the second time? uh, i supposed it's overtime, and i should feel grateful for it- cause i could always use money- who wouldn't? earlier today this one girl, and i was coming in the back door, and for some reason the door stick, so we kept trying. i felt like a loser cause when we finally got inside, than they told us, "just turn the handle it's that simple," well gee, if that's all it was than why didn't we think about it, huh? people amazes me sometimes. it's unbelievable how the world works- like today we were saying, how people only want to believe what they want, but when the same THING happens to them- they would be "well gee, i believe them NOW!" it's funny how people would think, than when something goes wrong with them, than they want some "I'm so sorry," but when the cards turn on you- than you won't get shit. What's so wrong with the picture here? i guess i have given up on the world- it doesn't seen to matter anyway. people would do what they want, and you could never get them to see your point of view. we all are puppets in the world- we'd work, than eat, and sleep- and maybe if you have enough time in your night you'll have some fun with somebody, but when does it all end, and you could feel okay without worrying what's important to the world- than do what you really want to do. I've been think again- big surprise there, huh? But, I was thinking about all the changes in the last 2 years in my life. at the beginning i thought my world could never be broken- but than it seen it could be. right after my nanny died- yes, i think about the lost of my nanny all the time, and, i dreamt about her still- but i can't help thinking about the life i had when she was still here. right now, it feels like a different life. like, i was dreaming it all the time, and it wasn't real from the beginning. than, after my Nanny died from cancer - about five months later my niece was born, and she opened our eyes to new sight, and we could be whole again, but not really. cause it felt like we were just walking around circles- than actually living. i supposed I'm living for my niece- and i shouldn't be this way. i mean, i love my niece a lot like she's my daughter, but i can't keep hiding behind her, and making everything picture perfect for her, could i? that wouldn't be right for my niece, as it's not right for me. I need to feel not broken again, but I can't keep this up. I don't know how to be real, than being this fake person i become. recently I've heard about people only liking me because they just feel sorry for me? what the hell is up with that? to make the record straight i don't need people to feel anything for me. if they aren't really my friend, than JUST SAY SO- don't keep wasting my time here cause i don't need anymore games in my life. I have enough games UP TO HERE, and I only wish people would tell me the fucking truth for once, is that too easy to ask for, huh? do i LOOK too weak for people to actually tell me the truth? BUT i have news here- I won't brake if you don't like me enough to be a friend. I can take it like a grown adult, and I wouldn't let the truth spoil my life. if you don't like me, than fucking tell me- it's simple as that. why make something so hard when it's just simple to do.
edited; I always thought online journals are supposed to be like the hard copy books you would write your deepest thoughts, than maybe a dream here, and there or etc.- but why does it seen like EVERYBODY has forgotten the true meaning of journals, or the online ones? do people actually make an online journal to pass the time cause they are bored, or do people actually use them to help clear out their heads what are twisted inside their heads, but can't find the words to tell anybody in the real world about? I don't get it. tell me why you use your online journals, and maybe I can understand better. But, until than I'll keep writing whatever on my mind at the time. neither it would be good thoughts, or it could be about something that's eating up inside me. Ugh. I just look at the clock- and I need to start getting ready to go back in the warehouse- BIG FUN i have, eh...
edited; I always thought online journals are supposed to be like the hard copy books you would write your deepest thoughts, than maybe a dream here, and there or etc.- but why does it seen like EVERYBODY has forgotten the true meaning of journals, or the online ones? do people actually make an online journal to pass the time cause they are bored, or do people actually use them to help clear out their heads what are twisted inside their heads, but can't find the words to tell anybody in the real world about? I don't get it. tell me why you use your online journals, and maybe I can understand better. But, until than I'll keep writing whatever on my mind at the time. neither it would be good thoughts, or it could be about something that's eating up inside me. Ugh. I just look at the clock- and I need to start getting ready to go back in the warehouse- BIG FUN i have, eh...