(no subject)
so I'm sad, a lot of different things are causing it. I really don't have any reason to be sad other than personal disappointment, and hormones...
I am sad that I have to work on my birthday. Some people just don't get my deal. I like to think of my birthday as one day that I can have for me. I spend a lot of time putting other people first, not always because I want to, because it's socially the right thing to do and people seem to respond better to me because of it. I want my special day. I also know that even setting aside a day later in the week to celebrate won't matter because nothing is/was planned for me. Randy was going to buy me a bunch of stuff for my car that I told him I wanted (mostly because I knew I wouldn't get anything that I liked, or I'd get another electronic device if i didn't) but he's not able to get me a present because we had to spend that money on his college because his loans were delayed (a story I don't feel like going into right now) I've told him that I really want a dog, which he said I can't have, and a clean house, which apparently (from the state of the house currently) I won't get. Even the stuff I asked for (I made an amazon list one day) is mostly out of stock with an expected restock date, and now I don't even know if I want it anymore.
So I'm sad. I'm even more depressed because I started. Which I am trying to stay positive about because it indicates my body is back to normal function, but also means I'm not pregnant. So I'm sad that I'm not pregnant. I wonder if it's my health or randy's health or what. I wish randy cared. I wish I was in better health. I wish I had more motivation to exercise and eat healthy. You know according to my bmi I'm obese. Not just over weight but obese. You know what I weighed in high school/college was over weight too. I just don't trust that damn bmi, but at the same time I know I am overweight. You know I only need to gain like 30 lbs to be a candidate for gastric bypass also loosing 30 lbs put me just out of obese into the high end of "over weight" fuck you weight.
I am so lonely.
it amazes me how just writing that sentence made me so overcome with emotion. I think I want a dog partly because I think it will help fill two things I crave. Someone who is always happy to see me and loves me more than anything (while I like to think this how randy and I are supposed to feel about each other I don't know that it's true. I just don't know that I have that capacity for a human - maybe when I have a baby... which may be why I want to get pregnant, and I don't feel like randy loves me that way either) and also a dog would bring exercise, with walks and play. I may have cats and guinea pigs, but they don't make you feel loved. Cats want attention and petted for their own benefit, dogs want to make you happy. I don't even know why I have guinea pigs any more. I don't feel anything for them. I don't know that they improve my quality of life in any way. I feel more guilty that I don't give them the attention they need.
I would also like to write a dysfunctional paragraph detailing why I'm lonely. Because my husband doesn't talk to me. All week he has played a video game with a friend. Which I was ok with watching, but he wouldn't talk to me on the phone while playing or even spend any time with me after they stopped for the night. He just went straight to bed. Actually, most nights I went to bed first even though he had to get up much much earlier than I did. I do not get affection without requesting it this goes for hugs, kisses, sex, anything outside of the kiss goodnight and the kiss/hug goodbye. I do not have a social group. I have rachel who I could talk to, but I really crave good social interaction. Something beyond the work appropriate banter, and that is not the nature of anyone I have a close relationship with. Both rachel and randy are loners. Tomorrow randy and I are going out to eat with some "friends" they're his friends from work that I have been friended with by association. Once I would like to go out with my friends from any situation. I can't even get randy to go to my sisters to get his hair cut. Last time we went anywhere with my friends was the night we got engaged. Why don't I have a social circle like randy's. Shit even if I had friends to go out with I wouldn't be able to get randy out of the house to go.
I don't know. I always feel better after writing. I'm going to go wake randy up for a bit I think... maybe just go to bed... oh well P&L later
I am sad that I have to work on my birthday. Some people just don't get my deal. I like to think of my birthday as one day that I can have for me. I spend a lot of time putting other people first, not always because I want to, because it's socially the right thing to do and people seem to respond better to me because of it. I want my special day. I also know that even setting aside a day later in the week to celebrate won't matter because nothing is/was planned for me. Randy was going to buy me a bunch of stuff for my car that I told him I wanted (mostly because I knew I wouldn't get anything that I liked, or I'd get another electronic device if i didn't) but he's not able to get me a present because we had to spend that money on his college because his loans were delayed (a story I don't feel like going into right now) I've told him that I really want a dog, which he said I can't have, and a clean house, which apparently (from the state of the house currently) I won't get. Even the stuff I asked for (I made an amazon list one day) is mostly out of stock with an expected restock date, and now I don't even know if I want it anymore.
So I'm sad. I'm even more depressed because I started. Which I am trying to stay positive about because it indicates my body is back to normal function, but also means I'm not pregnant. So I'm sad that I'm not pregnant. I wonder if it's my health or randy's health or what. I wish randy cared. I wish I was in better health. I wish I had more motivation to exercise and eat healthy. You know according to my bmi I'm obese. Not just over weight but obese. You know what I weighed in high school/college was over weight too. I just don't trust that damn bmi, but at the same time I know I am overweight. You know I only need to gain like 30 lbs to be a candidate for gastric bypass also loosing 30 lbs put me just out of obese into the high end of "over weight" fuck you weight.
I am so lonely.
it amazes me how just writing that sentence made me so overcome with emotion. I think I want a dog partly because I think it will help fill two things I crave. Someone who is always happy to see me and loves me more than anything (while I like to think this how randy and I are supposed to feel about each other I don't know that it's true. I just don't know that I have that capacity for a human - maybe when I have a baby... which may be why I want to get pregnant, and I don't feel like randy loves me that way either) and also a dog would bring exercise, with walks and play. I may have cats and guinea pigs, but they don't make you feel loved. Cats want attention and petted for their own benefit, dogs want to make you happy. I don't even know why I have guinea pigs any more. I don't feel anything for them. I don't know that they improve my quality of life in any way. I feel more guilty that I don't give them the attention they need.
I would also like to write a dysfunctional paragraph detailing why I'm lonely. Because my husband doesn't talk to me. All week he has played a video game with a friend. Which I was ok with watching, but he wouldn't talk to me on the phone while playing or even spend any time with me after they stopped for the night. He just went straight to bed. Actually, most nights I went to bed first even though he had to get up much much earlier than I did. I do not get affection without requesting it this goes for hugs, kisses, sex, anything outside of the kiss goodnight and the kiss/hug goodbye. I do not have a social group. I have rachel who I could talk to, but I really crave good social interaction. Something beyond the work appropriate banter, and that is not the nature of anyone I have a close relationship with. Both rachel and randy are loners. Tomorrow randy and I are going out to eat with some "friends" they're his friends from work that I have been friended with by association. Once I would like to go out with my friends from any situation. I can't even get randy to go to my sisters to get his hair cut. Last time we went anywhere with my friends was the night we got engaged. Why don't I have a social circle like randy's. Shit even if I had friends to go out with I wouldn't be able to get randy out of the house to go.
I don't know. I always feel better after writing. I'm going to go wake randy up for a bit I think... maybe just go to bed... oh well P&L later