Ache (GD/YB/CL)
Title: Ache
Pairing: GD/YB/CL (messy and unrequited)
Rating: R? NC-17?
A/N: This is GD's descent into "more than depression", vaguely inspired by YG's recent message about him. I don't descend into G-Drag-esque levels of navel-gazing angst too often, so this is...a little weird. 8Da
He watches Young Bae film some solo shots for the music video, distantly wondering how long it's been since the last time he slept. Or ate something. It's hard to care much with Young Bae right there to distract him, though. Years of watching him and Ji Yong still isn't tired of it. He doesn't think he ever will be.
It takes a while before he notices that CL's watching him watch Young Bae. He blinks at her and she walks over and puts a hand on his shoulder, half of her face hidden behind her sunglasses. Ji Yong could use a pair of those right now. "You okay?"
Her voice sounds almost distorted, like he's underwater or something. He reminds himself, once again, to sleep more often. "Yeah."
He looks back at Young Bae, his eyes dry and burning. They're taking a break between two takes, now, and Young Bae's looking down at himself and fiddling with his clothes self-consciously. It's funny how easy it is to see through his new confident, sexy, grown-up image. If you watch enough, that is - and Ji Yong usually does.
CL's hand squeezes his shoulder. "You like him, huh?"
Ji Yong is almost surprised by that until he thinks about the other Americans in the family - Perry, who always tells him about his latest boyfriend, Teddy, who looks vaguely uncomfortable whenever Ji Yong sits too close, Jinu, who keeps looking at him like he wants to eat him alive... Americans usually seem to notice he likes men. Or maybe they're just less willing to pretend they haven't noticed.
He scrubs a hand over his face, realizing he should probably say something. Words don't come to him, though, so he just shrugs his shoulders. She gives him a pat on the back. "Chin up, G. It's your turn next."
He's not even sure what that means, but he tilts his head down, instead, pulling out his Lollipop phone and flipping it open to pretend he's doing... something. She takes the hint and walks away, and he's careful to keep his eyes away from Young Bae until they're done shooting.
***
u wanna talk? im free 2nite
He stares at the screen of his cellphone, reading the short message over and over again. He can't remember the last time someone asked him if he wanted to talk. His friends have gotten so used to being turned down that they don't even offer anymore, and everyone else thinks he's a drama queen - just ignore him, he'll get over himself.
He takes a deep breath and replies to the text message. CL appears on the doorstep half an hour later with a pizza and several cans of beer. She sticks her tongue out wordlessly at Seung Ri's interested look, then pulls Ji Yong back to his bedroom and plops down on his bed.
They sit face to face with the box between them on the mattress, and Ji Yong talks. He talks about how much he loves Young Bae and how long he's been trying to get him to understand. Then he falls silent, his eyes burning again, and CL cracks open a beer and shoves it into his hand.
He drinks, and that gets him talking again, much more than he originally intended. He tells her how tired he is, how much he both loves and hates being in the spotlight. The constant pressure to crank out more hits and perform well and train other artists and look perfect, both from himself and from YG, is becoming more than he can take. He can't even go to the convenience store without making sure he looks edgy and interesting enough, and he's starting to hate going shopping because there's always someone staring at him, or at least it feels that way. He wishes he could flip a switch and stop caring, but he doesn't know how.
He stops talking to breathe and viciously wipes his eyes with one shaking hand. CL's frowning at him, and he regrets saying so much. She's going to be famous, too, and he doesn't want to scare her. Then again, no one else in Big Bang is falling apart. Must be just him.
"You should just... relax, y'know?"
The sound that comes out of Ji Yong's mouth is halfway between laughter and a sob. She chews on her lip, probably realizing how useless that had been, and pushes the box closer to him. "Eat some more."
He shakes his head. He's gotten so used to skipping meals that his stomach feels uncomfortably full from one slice of pizza. And the beer's making him dizzy, so he shifts to lean against the wall, folds his legs against his chest and buries his head in his arms. A moment later, CL moves the pizza out of the way and scoots closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "C'mon, maybe YB likes you back."
And if that's the most comforting thing she can manage to say about his situation, he's screwed. He laughs weakly. "... Never mind," he forces out through the tightness in his throat. "I'm okay."
"You're not okay. When's the last time you slept?"
He has to think about that for a while. "I had a nap yesterday."
CL sighs. "... D'you take sleeping pills or anything?"
He shrugs. "Sometimes."
She stands up and leaves the room, taking the pizza with her. Ji Yong dries his eyes on his sleeve and raises his head when she comes back, holding a small bottle. "... Says not to take them with alcohol," she mutters, looking down at it.
"Doesn't matter," he replies, holding his hand out. He's done it before. Hell, he's done worse before.
CL eyes him for a few seconds before fishing one pill out of the bottle and handing it to him, as if she's afraid he's going to gobble them all up or something. He swallows it dry, then lies down on his side. CL sits down next to him, legs crossed Indian-style. "Just try not to think about... all that stuff," she says as she grabs one of his hands, holding it in both of hers. She stays there until the pill finally kicks in and he falls asleep.
***
He wakes up ten hours later feeling worse than he did when he fell asleep, which is really saying something. His entire body is sore and his head is throbbing and his mind is so foggy he can't even remember what he's supposed to do today. He groans and buries his face into his pillow.
He's not even sure whether he's slept again when there's a knock on the door, and Young Bae, of all the people he doesn't need to see, pokes his head in. "Ji? ... Are you okay?"
It takes a couple of tries before he gets his voice to work. "Yeah." He licks his lips. "Can I have some water?"
Young Bae nods, disappears, and comes back almost faster than seems possible. "Here." He even uncaps the bottle before handing it to him. It fucking hurts when he's being this nice, but it's not like Ji Yong can say that without sounding like the world's biggest asshole. He pushes himself up onto one elbow and drinks slowly, not stopping until the bottle's almost empty. He sets it down on his night table and rolls onto his stomach again, pulling the covers back up.
Young Bae's hand is on his forehead a few seconds later. Ji Yong frowns and turns away. "I'm fine."
Young Bae's brief silence tells him exactly what he thinks of that answer. CL probably said something to him, but Ji Yong's still too groggy to muster up any anger about it. "Well... you have a dance lesson in two hours. And then a meeting with Perry. But I'll call and cancel if you don't feel up to it."
"I'm fine," Ji Yong repeats as if that'll somehow make it true. "... Thanks."
Another pause, then Young Bae finally leaves and Ji Yong goes back to brooding.
***
Helping out with 2NE1's choreography actually shakes some of the cobwebs from his mind, and he feels a bit better by the time he meets up with Perry, although he's so hungry his hands are shaking. Perry takes one look at him, refuses to talk about work, and crams enough fried chicken into him to feed two people. He needs to get a grip on himself - he's always been able to put on a good poker face when he has to, but that doesn't seem to be working too well anymore.
All the food makes him drowsy, and he ends up curling up on a couch in the studios and sleeping for a few more hours. He feels human again when he wakes up, and this time Perry doesn't protest when he tracks him down again to get some work done. As much as he hates to admit it, it's a lot easier to focus on what he's doing when his body isn't on the verge of giving out.
He goes to a small cafe with two of his friends that evening, idly flipping through fashion magazines and looking better than everyone else as they sip their cappuccinos. They discuss the usual superficial things - what their next haircuts will be, or their next tattoos, or whether this or that designer makes the trendiest clothes - and the familiar ritual soothes his frayed nerves a little.
He spends most of the night in his room, scribbling down lyrics and melodies and random ideas, and to his surprise, he drifts off to sleep at dawn without any pills or alcohol in his system.
Hyun Suk politely inquires about his progress on his solo album the following afternoon, and Ji Yong's stress level skyrockets again when he realizes he still has nothing he considers good enough to show him. The slight disappointment in Hyun Suk's eyes is enough to make him feel like shit for the rest of the day and destroy any hope of getting another good night's sleep.
***
CL walks into the apartment, all smiles and poise and sparkly lipgloss and skin-tight jeans, and Ji Yong's certain she's planning something. "hey 오빠, i know what 2 do :)" was the only cryptic hint he got on his cellphone before she barged in.
They - she and the rest of Big Bang - futz around for an hour or so in the living room, watching TV and laughing at each other's dance moves and talking about mundane, everyday things. She sticks around until Seung Ri, Dae Sung and Seung Hyun are in bed, and Ji Yong ends up sitting between her and Young Bae, waiting for her to do whatever it is she seems so smug about.
He leans on Young Bae's shoulder, trying to focus on the stupid drama that's now playing. It finally becomes obvious what CL's trying to do when she nudges him, winks, and leans over for a kiss. It draws a smile out of him, because it's a frigging ridiculous solution and he can't imagine it's going to work, but it's so... her. He kisses her back anyway, until Young Bae scoots away from him, obviously about to stand up.
CL climbs over Ji Yong's lap and puts a hand on Young Bae's knee, shooting him a wicked grin. "C'mon, don't go." She plants a kiss on him too, and he's breathless and wide-eyed by the time she pulls away to whisper something into his ear.
Ji Yong waits, fully expecting Young Bae to shake his head frantically and flee from the room, but instead he glances at Ji Yong and licks his lips. CL whispers again, and Young Bae leans in and presses his mouth against his and it's like Ji Yong's finally breathing again after way too long, colors and sounds coming into sharp focus around him. He closes his eyes and puts a hand on Young Bae's cheek, pouring everything he hasn't been able to tell him into that kiss.
Whether he actually notices is anyone's guess - he's flushed and even more out of breath when Ji Yong breaks the kiss, but that might be because of the way CL's biting his neck. She crawls into his lap, grabs at his crotch and kisses him again, and Ji Yong laughs softly to himself when he realizes that he's got less guts than a seventeen-year old girl. He's thought about just doing it, too, but the fear of being rejected always held him back. Judging from the way Young Bae's moaning, though, his hands clutching CL's hips, he doesn't mind the straightforwardness much.
She moves off Young Bae after a moment and Ji Yong replaces her, straddling him and looking into his dark, half-closed eyes before kissing him again. Young Bae's arms wrap around him and his tongue slides into his mouth, and Ji Yong runs his hands up his chest and over his shoulders, enjoying the opportunity to touch him without having to pretend he's just being friendly. He wants to stay right where he is, kissing him until one of them passes out from lack of oxygen or something, but CL interrupts them.
"Let's go to YB's room," she says quietly. The following minute or so is a mess of tangled limbs and shuffling steps and clumsy kisses, but they eventually make it to the bedroom. Young Bae sits down heavily on his bed, both hands grasping the edge of the mattress, and stares at them both, lips parted slightly.
CL dives in again before he can raise any objections he might be having, and Ji Yong has to repress a pang of jealousy when they start pulling at each other's clothes. He watches them silently for a few moments, and then Young Bae pulls away from her and hesitantly holds a hand out to him. Ji Yong's heart leaps in his chest and a few moments later he's in Young Bae's arms again, pressed between him and CL on the bed.
He just holds onto Young Bae for a while, his face pressed against his neck and his hands caressing his warm, muscled back, but when he and CL start kissing right over his head, he squirms his way down to work on Young Bae's belt buckle, then the zipper of his jeans. He wraps his hand around Young Bae's cock and takes the head into his mouth, and the surprised moan and the twitch of his hips makes his own cock harden in response. He looks up and meets Young Bae's wide eyes, but CL yanks him into another kiss and then he can't see his expression anymore.
It doesn't take long before Young Bae pulls away from CL and grabs onto Ji Yong's hair, writhing and panting out something incoherent before coming into his mouth. Ji Yong swallows, crawls up for another kiss, and nearly laughs when Young Bae turns his head away, eyes going wide again.
They take care of CL after that - or at least Young Bae does, because Ji Yong is too busy watching him. CL somehow got naked (he missed that part) and Young Bae has his mouth on her neck and one hand between her legs, and Ji Yong is fascinated by the way the muscles in his arm flex as his fingers move inside her. He doesn't even notice when she comes, but she must have, judging by the lazy, contented look in her eyes when she gives Young Bae a push toward him.
He turns toward Ji Yong and hesitates, his hand hovering near his hip. Ji Yong helps by pulling off his jeans and underwear, and after a few tentative kisses and several shy glances downwards, Young Bae's hand finally wraps around his erection.
He's pretty sure everyone in the apartment hears him when he comes. It seems to last forever, and when he eventually comes back to Earth his bones feel like jelly and he's still seeing stars. Young Bae smiles at him slightly, then turns around to snuggle up against CL, and as Ji Yong watches him kiss and nuzzle her, the afterglow slowly fades to an unpleasant, sinking feeling in his stomach.
That feeling is only reinforced by the apologetic look CL shoots him over Young Bae's shoulder after a few moments. "Guess I should go home," she says, sitting up.
"No, you can sleep with me," Young Bae replies quickly.
Another glance at Ji Yong. "Uh, I have a meeting pretty early tomorrow."
"Oh." He sounds disappointed. And then he insists on kissing her goodbye thoroughly, and Ji Yong decides to shove his face into the nearest pillow. CL eventually gets dressed, leaves, and Young Bae is silent for a minute or two.
"... Are you going to bed?" he finally asks, his tone awkward. Ji Yong manages to get up, grab his clothes and leave the room without meeting his eyes.
***
Young Bae starts following CL around like a lovestruck puppy after that, and Ji Yong has to make a constant effort not to let the burning, twisting pain show on his face. He doesn't know why he even let himself hope for something - CL's beautiful and confident and a girl, and he clearly never stood a fucking chance.
He only manages to keep his anger down to manageable levels because she didn't mean for it to happen, and the guilt that's all over her face whenever Ji Yong sees them together is a constant reminder of that.
Food and sleep, though, he stops even trying to give a shit about. His stomach starts roiling every time he tries to eat something, and it's easier to just keep working through the night instead of lying in the dark with only his fucked-up thoughts for company.
People start noticing after a few days. Seung Ri starts checking on him at night and Perry keeps trying to get him to talk. He waves it off and blames Big Bang's busy schedule, which is only half a lie. Whenever he isn't thinking about Young Bae, he drives himself insane worrying about dance steps and lyrics and new melodies.
He manages to carry on for two weeks before starting to fall apart. He can't make it through dance practice one morning - his limbs refuse to cooperate he starts seeing black spots, and he ends up curled up on a couch with Jinu's arm around him and no clear recollection of how he even got there.
"Feeling better?" Jinu asks.
Ji Yong takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, but closes them again when things start to spin. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Listen, we can't help you out if you don't talk to us."
Ji Yong shrugs.
"... Would you talk to YB?"
He clenches his jaw so hard it hurts. He's not sure if the irony of that question makes him want to laugh or cry, but he's too exhausted to do either, anyway. "No."
He opens his eyes again, carefully, and Jae Wook walks into the room. "Ji Yong, YG wants to talk to you."
He straightens up, his heart suddenly thudding in his chest. "I can finish practice, I'm just kinda tired and I skipped breakf--"
"He's not angry, okay? He's worried," Jae Wook snaps, then sighs and shakes his head. "I gotta go back to the dance studio. Take him to his office, will you?"
***
He's in Hyun Suk's car - a rare privilege that usually involves indulgent shopping trips or at least a nice meal at an expensive restaurant, but there's nothing positive to look forward to this time. He's being driven back to Big Bang's apartment to get some rest, and he's pretty sure Hyun Suk will personally tie him down to his bed if he doesn't cooperate.
He talked to him for about half an hour in his office, apologizing over and over again for making Ji Yong work so hard, which surprised the hell out of him. He'd never heard Hyun Suk sound that sorry before - not even when he realized he'd nearly given Young Bae a nervous breakdown over the quality of his performances.
And he's still apologizing, in fact. "I had no idea you were so stressed out. You can talk to me when you have a problem, you know."
"I know," Ji Yong replies, hoping that'll be enough to shut him up. He has no business feeling guilty about Ji Yong's shitty decisions - none of this is his fault, and it's not like he can snap his fingers and make Big Bang disappear. Or turn Young Bae gay.
"... And I was thinking you could take a nice vacation somewhere. You wanted to go to Italy, right? You can take a friend with you if you want, I'll pay for the tickets."
"Thanks," Ji Yong says. Hyun Suk stops the car in front of the apartment building. There are no fans, thank God - Ji Yong doesn't think he could handle them at the moment. He makes his way upstairs after yet another promise to stay in bed, and Seung Hyun, Young Bae, Dae Sung and Seung Ri are all sitting in the living room when he walks in. They look over and greet him in careful tones, the worry so obvious in their eyes that Ji Yong wants to get the hell away from them.
He musters up a fairly neutral "hi", tells them he's going to bed, and heads to his room. Young Bae follows him and then just stands there. "Um. Are you okay?" he finally asks after they've been staring at each other long enough for the silence to become awkward.
"No," Ji Yong says, then turns and pulls back the covers on his bed.
"... What's wrong?"
Ji Yong laughs humorlessly and turns around to face him again, deciding to give that question a truthful answer, for once. "You wanna know what isn't? Nothing." The confused expression on Young Bae's face riles him up even more, and he hears his own voice rising steadily but doesn't care enough to stop himself. "I'm fucking tired and YG's disappointed 'cause I can't even do all the stuff I'm supposed to do, and I hate it when people look at me, and I love you and you're just prancing around with CL like I wasn't even there that night and just-- just-- fuck you, okay? Leave me alone."
He takes a deep breath, blinking a few times to stop the prickling feeling in his eyes, and Young Bae just frowns at him for a long moment. "... I hope you're gonna feel better soon," he finally mutters.
Something in Ji Yong snaps, and he smashes his fist into Young Bae's face.
***
The quiet knock on his door twenty minutes later is so unexpected that he jumps a little. He doesn't answer, hoping whoever it is will get the hint, but the door opens a moment later. The lights click on and of course, Young Bae is standing in the doorway, one hand on the light switch, streaks of dried blood under his nose and on his chin.
Ji Yong squeezes his eyes shut. "Turn that off."
"I wanna talk to you," Young Bae says, and the quiet determination in his voice make it obvious he's not going to take no for an answer.
Ji Yong simply sighs and pulls the covers over his head. To his surprise, Young Bae turns the lights off again before closing the door. The mattress sags a moment later. "Listen, I'm sorry you're stressed out because of work, but you didn't have to hit me, okay? You're not the only one who's stressed. Seung Ri and I have solo careers, and Seung Hyun and Dae Sung are filming all over the place."
"Are you seriously gonna pretend you didn't hear half the stuff I said? 'Cause if you are, you can just get the--"
"I already knew you like me. What do you want me to say? I can't change the way I am any more than you can."
Knowing that Young Bae's right doesn't make it any easier to hear. And that hard, quiet tone of voice he only slips into when he's really irritated has never been directed at Ji Yong before. "You don't have to be a jerk about it," he mutters.
"I'm not being a jerk about it. I kissed you and... we did all that stuff."
Ji Yong wants to tell him he didn't want a pity fuck, but he's not sure he could get the words out. So he stays silent.
"I'm sorry," Young Bae says after a few moments, his voice soft again. "I don't know what to say. I just want you to feel better."
And now that Ji Yong isn't angry anymore, hearing that just makes him feel guilty about hitting him. "Hyun Suk's sending me to a counselor on Monday," he says, to change the subject.
"Oh. ... It's not because he wants you to be... normal, right?"
He lets out a weak laugh that completely fails to cover up how much that wording hurt, even though Young Bae doesn't know any better. "You don't think I'm normal?"
"I just meant... Ji, you know what I meant. Are you ever gonna stop taking everything I say the wrong way?" He pulls the covers off Ji Yong's head. His eyes are shining in the dark. "I love you, okay? You're my best friend. I don't want you to change."
Ji Yong swallows around the lump in his throat and nods wordlessly, looking away. They both stay like this for a long moment, not looking at each other and not crying, Young Bae reaching up a few times to wipe his eyes discreetly with the back of his hand.
"Are you really gonna sleep?" he finally asks, his voice shaking a little.
"I said I'd try."
"... D'you want me to stay with you?"
Ji Yong nods, and Young Bae scoots back until he's sitting against the wall, next to Ji Yong's pillow, which he abandons in favor of putting his head on his lap. Young Bae pulls the covers up to his chin, then starts running his fingers slowly through his too-long hair, helping him fall asleep more than any pill would.
***
Young Bae steps into his room again three days later, while he's packing for his trip, carefully selecting nice clothes with which to impress European people. He manages a smile in his direction before ducking back into his closet for a pair of ripped jeans.
"How was the counselor?" Young Bae asks when he walks out.
Ji Yong thinks about it as he stuffs the jeans into his suitcase. He spent most of an hour biting his fingernails and listening to the tick-tock of the clock while he and the counselor stared at each other. She asked some inane questions and he gave equally inane answers. "... Weird. Hyun Suk said I don't have to go back."
"Oh. That's... good," he says, then sits down on the bed and watches him, fidgeting. There's something on his mind. Ji Yong waits for it as he tries to find an empty spot for his straightening iron. He blurts it out a moment later: "I'm not dating CL, you know."
Ji Yong glances up at him, then takes a deep breath. "You can date anyone you want."
"I know." He reaches over and toys with one of the zippers on the suitcase. "... She said I'm not really her type."
"She has no taste."
Young Bae blinks at him, then lets go of the zipper to rub his hand over his face, laughing. "Ji Yong, seriously..."
"I'm serious," he says, feeling a grin spread onto his own face. "You'll find someone better." It's getting a bit easier to say things like that and mean them. He figures the ache in his chest will go away eventually if he keeps trying.
He eyes his bulging suitcase before attempting to close it and zip it up. Young Bae watches him struggle for a few seconds, then leans closer and holds the suitcase closed for him. The muscles flexing in his arms remind Ji Yong of all kinds of things he'd rather not think about. He takes another slow, steadying breath and focuses on the task at hand.
"I would've gone with you," Young Bae says once it's finally zipped and locked.
Ji Yong shakes his head. "You should go somewhere you like. Ask Hyun Suk. He said we're all getting a month off." Because I can't deal with my own job, he mentally adds, but manages to shoo the thought away before it takes hold.
Young Bae nods absently and brushes some invisible dust from the top of the suitcase before looking up at him. "... Are you leaving soon?"
"Fifteen minutes," Ji Yong replies after a glance at his watch. Young Bae stands up and enfolds him in a tight hug. "It's just for a week," he says in protest, but squeezes back just as tightly. He can't even remember the last time they spent more than a couple of days apart.
"I know." Young Bae draws back and gives him a small smile. "I'll punch you back if you don't e-mail me."
He insists on helping him carry his suitcase out of the apartment, and as Ji Yong waits for their manager to pick him up, he starts to think about the trip - really think about it, and he finds himself actually looking forward to something for the first time in ages.
Pairing: GD/YB/CL (messy and unrequited)
Rating: R? NC-17?
A/N: This is GD's descent into "more than depression", vaguely inspired by YG's recent message about him. I don't descend into G-Drag-esque levels of navel-gazing angst too often, so this is...a little weird. 8Da
He watches Young Bae film some solo shots for the music video, distantly wondering how long it's been since the last time he slept. Or ate something. It's hard to care much with Young Bae right there to distract him, though. Years of watching him and Ji Yong still isn't tired of it. He doesn't think he ever will be.
It takes a while before he notices that CL's watching him watch Young Bae. He blinks at her and she walks over and puts a hand on his shoulder, half of her face hidden behind her sunglasses. Ji Yong could use a pair of those right now. "You okay?"
Her voice sounds almost distorted, like he's underwater or something. He reminds himself, once again, to sleep more often. "Yeah."
He looks back at Young Bae, his eyes dry and burning. They're taking a break between two takes, now, and Young Bae's looking down at himself and fiddling with his clothes self-consciously. It's funny how easy it is to see through his new confident, sexy, grown-up image. If you watch enough, that is - and Ji Yong usually does.
CL's hand squeezes his shoulder. "You like him, huh?"
Ji Yong is almost surprised by that until he thinks about the other Americans in the family - Perry, who always tells him about his latest boyfriend, Teddy, who looks vaguely uncomfortable whenever Ji Yong sits too close, Jinu, who keeps looking at him like he wants to eat him alive... Americans usually seem to notice he likes men. Or maybe they're just less willing to pretend they haven't noticed.
He scrubs a hand over his face, realizing he should probably say something. Words don't come to him, though, so he just shrugs his shoulders. She gives him a pat on the back. "Chin up, G. It's your turn next."
He's not even sure what that means, but he tilts his head down, instead, pulling out his Lollipop phone and flipping it open to pretend he's doing... something. She takes the hint and walks away, and he's careful to keep his eyes away from Young Bae until they're done shooting.
***
u wanna talk? im free 2nite
He stares at the screen of his cellphone, reading the short message over and over again. He can't remember the last time someone asked him if he wanted to talk. His friends have gotten so used to being turned down that they don't even offer anymore, and everyone else thinks he's a drama queen - just ignore him, he'll get over himself.
He takes a deep breath and replies to the text message. CL appears on the doorstep half an hour later with a pizza and several cans of beer. She sticks her tongue out wordlessly at Seung Ri's interested look, then pulls Ji Yong back to his bedroom and plops down on his bed.
They sit face to face with the box between them on the mattress, and Ji Yong talks. He talks about how much he loves Young Bae and how long he's been trying to get him to understand. Then he falls silent, his eyes burning again, and CL cracks open a beer and shoves it into his hand.
He drinks, and that gets him talking again, much more than he originally intended. He tells her how tired he is, how much he both loves and hates being in the spotlight. The constant pressure to crank out more hits and perform well and train other artists and look perfect, both from himself and from YG, is becoming more than he can take. He can't even go to the convenience store without making sure he looks edgy and interesting enough, and he's starting to hate going shopping because there's always someone staring at him, or at least it feels that way. He wishes he could flip a switch and stop caring, but he doesn't know how.
He stops talking to breathe and viciously wipes his eyes with one shaking hand. CL's frowning at him, and he regrets saying so much. She's going to be famous, too, and he doesn't want to scare her. Then again, no one else in Big Bang is falling apart. Must be just him.
"You should just... relax, y'know?"
The sound that comes out of Ji Yong's mouth is halfway between laughter and a sob. She chews on her lip, probably realizing how useless that had been, and pushes the box closer to him. "Eat some more."
He shakes his head. He's gotten so used to skipping meals that his stomach feels uncomfortably full from one slice of pizza. And the beer's making him dizzy, so he shifts to lean against the wall, folds his legs against his chest and buries his head in his arms. A moment later, CL moves the pizza out of the way and scoots closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "C'mon, maybe YB likes you back."
And if that's the most comforting thing she can manage to say about his situation, he's screwed. He laughs weakly. "... Never mind," he forces out through the tightness in his throat. "I'm okay."
"You're not okay. When's the last time you slept?"
He has to think about that for a while. "I had a nap yesterday."
CL sighs. "... D'you take sleeping pills or anything?"
He shrugs. "Sometimes."
She stands up and leaves the room, taking the pizza with her. Ji Yong dries his eyes on his sleeve and raises his head when she comes back, holding a small bottle. "... Says not to take them with alcohol," she mutters, looking down at it.
"Doesn't matter," he replies, holding his hand out. He's done it before. Hell, he's done worse before.
CL eyes him for a few seconds before fishing one pill out of the bottle and handing it to him, as if she's afraid he's going to gobble them all up or something. He swallows it dry, then lies down on his side. CL sits down next to him, legs crossed Indian-style. "Just try not to think about... all that stuff," she says as she grabs one of his hands, holding it in both of hers. She stays there until the pill finally kicks in and he falls asleep.
***
He wakes up ten hours later feeling worse than he did when he fell asleep, which is really saying something. His entire body is sore and his head is throbbing and his mind is so foggy he can't even remember what he's supposed to do today. He groans and buries his face into his pillow.
He's not even sure whether he's slept again when there's a knock on the door, and Young Bae, of all the people he doesn't need to see, pokes his head in. "Ji? ... Are you okay?"
It takes a couple of tries before he gets his voice to work. "Yeah." He licks his lips. "Can I have some water?"
Young Bae nods, disappears, and comes back almost faster than seems possible. "Here." He even uncaps the bottle before handing it to him. It fucking hurts when he's being this nice, but it's not like Ji Yong can say that without sounding like the world's biggest asshole. He pushes himself up onto one elbow and drinks slowly, not stopping until the bottle's almost empty. He sets it down on his night table and rolls onto his stomach again, pulling the covers back up.
Young Bae's hand is on his forehead a few seconds later. Ji Yong frowns and turns away. "I'm fine."
Young Bae's brief silence tells him exactly what he thinks of that answer. CL probably said something to him, but Ji Yong's still too groggy to muster up any anger about it. "Well... you have a dance lesson in two hours. And then a meeting with Perry. But I'll call and cancel if you don't feel up to it."
"I'm fine," Ji Yong repeats as if that'll somehow make it true. "... Thanks."
Another pause, then Young Bae finally leaves and Ji Yong goes back to brooding.
***
Helping out with 2NE1's choreography actually shakes some of the cobwebs from his mind, and he feels a bit better by the time he meets up with Perry, although he's so hungry his hands are shaking. Perry takes one look at him, refuses to talk about work, and crams enough fried chicken into him to feed two people. He needs to get a grip on himself - he's always been able to put on a good poker face when he has to, but that doesn't seem to be working too well anymore.
All the food makes him drowsy, and he ends up curling up on a couch in the studios and sleeping for a few more hours. He feels human again when he wakes up, and this time Perry doesn't protest when he tracks him down again to get some work done. As much as he hates to admit it, it's a lot easier to focus on what he's doing when his body isn't on the verge of giving out.
He goes to a small cafe with two of his friends that evening, idly flipping through fashion magazines and looking better than everyone else as they sip their cappuccinos. They discuss the usual superficial things - what their next haircuts will be, or their next tattoos, or whether this or that designer makes the trendiest clothes - and the familiar ritual soothes his frayed nerves a little.
He spends most of the night in his room, scribbling down lyrics and melodies and random ideas, and to his surprise, he drifts off to sleep at dawn without any pills or alcohol in his system.
Hyun Suk politely inquires about his progress on his solo album the following afternoon, and Ji Yong's stress level skyrockets again when he realizes he still has nothing he considers good enough to show him. The slight disappointment in Hyun Suk's eyes is enough to make him feel like shit for the rest of the day and destroy any hope of getting another good night's sleep.
***
CL walks into the apartment, all smiles and poise and sparkly lipgloss and skin-tight jeans, and Ji Yong's certain she's planning something. "hey 오빠, i know what 2 do :)" was the only cryptic hint he got on his cellphone before she barged in.
They - she and the rest of Big Bang - futz around for an hour or so in the living room, watching TV and laughing at each other's dance moves and talking about mundane, everyday things. She sticks around until Seung Ri, Dae Sung and Seung Hyun are in bed, and Ji Yong ends up sitting between her and Young Bae, waiting for her to do whatever it is she seems so smug about.
He leans on Young Bae's shoulder, trying to focus on the stupid drama that's now playing. It finally becomes obvious what CL's trying to do when she nudges him, winks, and leans over for a kiss. It draws a smile out of him, because it's a frigging ridiculous solution and he can't imagine it's going to work, but it's so... her. He kisses her back anyway, until Young Bae scoots away from him, obviously about to stand up.
CL climbs over Ji Yong's lap and puts a hand on Young Bae's knee, shooting him a wicked grin. "C'mon, don't go." She plants a kiss on him too, and he's breathless and wide-eyed by the time she pulls away to whisper something into his ear.
Ji Yong waits, fully expecting Young Bae to shake his head frantically and flee from the room, but instead he glances at Ji Yong and licks his lips. CL whispers again, and Young Bae leans in and presses his mouth against his and it's like Ji Yong's finally breathing again after way too long, colors and sounds coming into sharp focus around him. He closes his eyes and puts a hand on Young Bae's cheek, pouring everything he hasn't been able to tell him into that kiss.
Whether he actually notices is anyone's guess - he's flushed and even more out of breath when Ji Yong breaks the kiss, but that might be because of the way CL's biting his neck. She crawls into his lap, grabs at his crotch and kisses him again, and Ji Yong laughs softly to himself when he realizes that he's got less guts than a seventeen-year old girl. He's thought about just doing it, too, but the fear of being rejected always held him back. Judging from the way Young Bae's moaning, though, his hands clutching CL's hips, he doesn't mind the straightforwardness much.
She moves off Young Bae after a moment and Ji Yong replaces her, straddling him and looking into his dark, half-closed eyes before kissing him again. Young Bae's arms wrap around him and his tongue slides into his mouth, and Ji Yong runs his hands up his chest and over his shoulders, enjoying the opportunity to touch him without having to pretend he's just being friendly. He wants to stay right where he is, kissing him until one of them passes out from lack of oxygen or something, but CL interrupts them.
"Let's go to YB's room," she says quietly. The following minute or so is a mess of tangled limbs and shuffling steps and clumsy kisses, but they eventually make it to the bedroom. Young Bae sits down heavily on his bed, both hands grasping the edge of the mattress, and stares at them both, lips parted slightly.
CL dives in again before he can raise any objections he might be having, and Ji Yong has to repress a pang of jealousy when they start pulling at each other's clothes. He watches them silently for a few moments, and then Young Bae pulls away from her and hesitantly holds a hand out to him. Ji Yong's heart leaps in his chest and a few moments later he's in Young Bae's arms again, pressed between him and CL on the bed.
He just holds onto Young Bae for a while, his face pressed against his neck and his hands caressing his warm, muscled back, but when he and CL start kissing right over his head, he squirms his way down to work on Young Bae's belt buckle, then the zipper of his jeans. He wraps his hand around Young Bae's cock and takes the head into his mouth, and the surprised moan and the twitch of his hips makes his own cock harden in response. He looks up and meets Young Bae's wide eyes, but CL yanks him into another kiss and then he can't see his expression anymore.
It doesn't take long before Young Bae pulls away from CL and grabs onto Ji Yong's hair, writhing and panting out something incoherent before coming into his mouth. Ji Yong swallows, crawls up for another kiss, and nearly laughs when Young Bae turns his head away, eyes going wide again.
They take care of CL after that - or at least Young Bae does, because Ji Yong is too busy watching him. CL somehow got naked (he missed that part) and Young Bae has his mouth on her neck and one hand between her legs, and Ji Yong is fascinated by the way the muscles in his arm flex as his fingers move inside her. He doesn't even notice when she comes, but she must have, judging by the lazy, contented look in her eyes when she gives Young Bae a push toward him.
He turns toward Ji Yong and hesitates, his hand hovering near his hip. Ji Yong helps by pulling off his jeans and underwear, and after a few tentative kisses and several shy glances downwards, Young Bae's hand finally wraps around his erection.
He's pretty sure everyone in the apartment hears him when he comes. It seems to last forever, and when he eventually comes back to Earth his bones feel like jelly and he's still seeing stars. Young Bae smiles at him slightly, then turns around to snuggle up against CL, and as Ji Yong watches him kiss and nuzzle her, the afterglow slowly fades to an unpleasant, sinking feeling in his stomach.
That feeling is only reinforced by the apologetic look CL shoots him over Young Bae's shoulder after a few moments. "Guess I should go home," she says, sitting up.
"No, you can sleep with me," Young Bae replies quickly.
Another glance at Ji Yong. "Uh, I have a meeting pretty early tomorrow."
"Oh." He sounds disappointed. And then he insists on kissing her goodbye thoroughly, and Ji Yong decides to shove his face into the nearest pillow. CL eventually gets dressed, leaves, and Young Bae is silent for a minute or two.
"... Are you going to bed?" he finally asks, his tone awkward. Ji Yong manages to get up, grab his clothes and leave the room without meeting his eyes.
***
Young Bae starts following CL around like a lovestruck puppy after that, and Ji Yong has to make a constant effort not to let the burning, twisting pain show on his face. He doesn't know why he even let himself hope for something - CL's beautiful and confident and a girl, and he clearly never stood a fucking chance.
He only manages to keep his anger down to manageable levels because she didn't mean for it to happen, and the guilt that's all over her face whenever Ji Yong sees them together is a constant reminder of that.
Food and sleep, though, he stops even trying to give a shit about. His stomach starts roiling every time he tries to eat something, and it's easier to just keep working through the night instead of lying in the dark with only his fucked-up thoughts for company.
People start noticing after a few days. Seung Ri starts checking on him at night and Perry keeps trying to get him to talk. He waves it off and blames Big Bang's busy schedule, which is only half a lie. Whenever he isn't thinking about Young Bae, he drives himself insane worrying about dance steps and lyrics and new melodies.
He manages to carry on for two weeks before starting to fall apart. He can't make it through dance practice one morning - his limbs refuse to cooperate he starts seeing black spots, and he ends up curled up on a couch with Jinu's arm around him and no clear recollection of how he even got there.
"Feeling better?" Jinu asks.
Ji Yong takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, but closes them again when things start to spin. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Listen, we can't help you out if you don't talk to us."
Ji Yong shrugs.
"... Would you talk to YB?"
He clenches his jaw so hard it hurts. He's not sure if the irony of that question makes him want to laugh or cry, but he's too exhausted to do either, anyway. "No."
He opens his eyes again, carefully, and Jae Wook walks into the room. "Ji Yong, YG wants to talk to you."
He straightens up, his heart suddenly thudding in his chest. "I can finish practice, I'm just kinda tired and I skipped breakf--"
"He's not angry, okay? He's worried," Jae Wook snaps, then sighs and shakes his head. "I gotta go back to the dance studio. Take him to his office, will you?"
***
He's in Hyun Suk's car - a rare privilege that usually involves indulgent shopping trips or at least a nice meal at an expensive restaurant, but there's nothing positive to look forward to this time. He's being driven back to Big Bang's apartment to get some rest, and he's pretty sure Hyun Suk will personally tie him down to his bed if he doesn't cooperate.
He talked to him for about half an hour in his office, apologizing over and over again for making Ji Yong work so hard, which surprised the hell out of him. He'd never heard Hyun Suk sound that sorry before - not even when he realized he'd nearly given Young Bae a nervous breakdown over the quality of his performances.
And he's still apologizing, in fact. "I had no idea you were so stressed out. You can talk to me when you have a problem, you know."
"I know," Ji Yong replies, hoping that'll be enough to shut him up. He has no business feeling guilty about Ji Yong's shitty decisions - none of this is his fault, and it's not like he can snap his fingers and make Big Bang disappear. Or turn Young Bae gay.
"... And I was thinking you could take a nice vacation somewhere. You wanted to go to Italy, right? You can take a friend with you if you want, I'll pay for the tickets."
"Thanks," Ji Yong says. Hyun Suk stops the car in front of the apartment building. There are no fans, thank God - Ji Yong doesn't think he could handle them at the moment. He makes his way upstairs after yet another promise to stay in bed, and Seung Hyun, Young Bae, Dae Sung and Seung Ri are all sitting in the living room when he walks in. They look over and greet him in careful tones, the worry so obvious in their eyes that Ji Yong wants to get the hell away from them.
He musters up a fairly neutral "hi", tells them he's going to bed, and heads to his room. Young Bae follows him and then just stands there. "Um. Are you okay?" he finally asks after they've been staring at each other long enough for the silence to become awkward.
"No," Ji Yong says, then turns and pulls back the covers on his bed.
"... What's wrong?"
Ji Yong laughs humorlessly and turns around to face him again, deciding to give that question a truthful answer, for once. "You wanna know what isn't? Nothing." The confused expression on Young Bae's face riles him up even more, and he hears his own voice rising steadily but doesn't care enough to stop himself. "I'm fucking tired and YG's disappointed 'cause I can't even do all the stuff I'm supposed to do, and I hate it when people look at me, and I love you and you're just prancing around with CL like I wasn't even there that night and just-- just-- fuck you, okay? Leave me alone."
He takes a deep breath, blinking a few times to stop the prickling feeling in his eyes, and Young Bae just frowns at him for a long moment. "... I hope you're gonna feel better soon," he finally mutters.
Something in Ji Yong snaps, and he smashes his fist into Young Bae's face.
***
The quiet knock on his door twenty minutes later is so unexpected that he jumps a little. He doesn't answer, hoping whoever it is will get the hint, but the door opens a moment later. The lights click on and of course, Young Bae is standing in the doorway, one hand on the light switch, streaks of dried blood under his nose and on his chin.
Ji Yong squeezes his eyes shut. "Turn that off."
"I wanna talk to you," Young Bae says, and the quiet determination in his voice make it obvious he's not going to take no for an answer.
Ji Yong simply sighs and pulls the covers over his head. To his surprise, Young Bae turns the lights off again before closing the door. The mattress sags a moment later. "Listen, I'm sorry you're stressed out because of work, but you didn't have to hit me, okay? You're not the only one who's stressed. Seung Ri and I have solo careers, and Seung Hyun and Dae Sung are filming all over the place."
"Are you seriously gonna pretend you didn't hear half the stuff I said? 'Cause if you are, you can just get the--"
"I already knew you like me. What do you want me to say? I can't change the way I am any more than you can."
Knowing that Young Bae's right doesn't make it any easier to hear. And that hard, quiet tone of voice he only slips into when he's really irritated has never been directed at Ji Yong before. "You don't have to be a jerk about it," he mutters.
"I'm not being a jerk about it. I kissed you and... we did all that stuff."
Ji Yong wants to tell him he didn't want a pity fuck, but he's not sure he could get the words out. So he stays silent.
"I'm sorry," Young Bae says after a few moments, his voice soft again. "I don't know what to say. I just want you to feel better."
And now that Ji Yong isn't angry anymore, hearing that just makes him feel guilty about hitting him. "Hyun Suk's sending me to a counselor on Monday," he says, to change the subject.
"Oh. ... It's not because he wants you to be... normal, right?"
He lets out a weak laugh that completely fails to cover up how much that wording hurt, even though Young Bae doesn't know any better. "You don't think I'm normal?"
"I just meant... Ji, you know what I meant. Are you ever gonna stop taking everything I say the wrong way?" He pulls the covers off Ji Yong's head. His eyes are shining in the dark. "I love you, okay? You're my best friend. I don't want you to change."
Ji Yong swallows around the lump in his throat and nods wordlessly, looking away. They both stay like this for a long moment, not looking at each other and not crying, Young Bae reaching up a few times to wipe his eyes discreetly with the back of his hand.
"Are you really gonna sleep?" he finally asks, his voice shaking a little.
"I said I'd try."
"... D'you want me to stay with you?"
Ji Yong nods, and Young Bae scoots back until he's sitting against the wall, next to Ji Yong's pillow, which he abandons in favor of putting his head on his lap. Young Bae pulls the covers up to his chin, then starts running his fingers slowly through his too-long hair, helping him fall asleep more than any pill would.
***
Young Bae steps into his room again three days later, while he's packing for his trip, carefully selecting nice clothes with which to impress European people. He manages a smile in his direction before ducking back into his closet for a pair of ripped jeans.
"How was the counselor?" Young Bae asks when he walks out.
Ji Yong thinks about it as he stuffs the jeans into his suitcase. He spent most of an hour biting his fingernails and listening to the tick-tock of the clock while he and the counselor stared at each other. She asked some inane questions and he gave equally inane answers. "... Weird. Hyun Suk said I don't have to go back."
"Oh. That's... good," he says, then sits down on the bed and watches him, fidgeting. There's something on his mind. Ji Yong waits for it as he tries to find an empty spot for his straightening iron. He blurts it out a moment later: "I'm not dating CL, you know."
Ji Yong glances up at him, then takes a deep breath. "You can date anyone you want."
"I know." He reaches over and toys with one of the zippers on the suitcase. "... She said I'm not really her type."
"She has no taste."
Young Bae blinks at him, then lets go of the zipper to rub his hand over his face, laughing. "Ji Yong, seriously..."
"I'm serious," he says, feeling a grin spread onto his own face. "You'll find someone better." It's getting a bit easier to say things like that and mean them. He figures the ache in his chest will go away eventually if he keeps trying.
He eyes his bulging suitcase before attempting to close it and zip it up. Young Bae watches him struggle for a few seconds, then leans closer and holds the suitcase closed for him. The muscles flexing in his arms remind Ji Yong of all kinds of things he'd rather not think about. He takes another slow, steadying breath and focuses on the task at hand.
"I would've gone with you," Young Bae says once it's finally zipped and locked.
Ji Yong shakes his head. "You should go somewhere you like. Ask Hyun Suk. He said we're all getting a month off." Because I can't deal with my own job, he mentally adds, but manages to shoo the thought away before it takes hold.
Young Bae nods absently and brushes some invisible dust from the top of the suitcase before looking up at him. "... Are you leaving soon?"
"Fifteen minutes," Ji Yong replies after a glance at his watch. Young Bae stands up and enfolds him in a tight hug. "It's just for a week," he says in protest, but squeezes back just as tightly. He can't even remember the last time they spent more than a couple of days apart.
"I know." Young Bae draws back and gives him a small smile. "I'll punch you back if you don't e-mail me."
He insists on helping him carry his suitcase out of the apartment, and as Ji Yong waits for their manager to pick him up, he starts to think about the trip - really think about it, and he finds himself actually looking forward to something for the first time in ages.