Uncertainty, worry, and other words to describe love
I'm letting myself go again.
Every so often I read back to past entries and I come across angry Simon posts. There was a part that has stuck with me, a promise I made to myself to keep from falling for a guy's charm because, according to me in my post-breakup state, all guys are the same. And I told myself I wouldn't be fooled again because I was smarter than that, and I had learned my lesson because I thought Simon loved me, yanno, since he told me he did, but he could drop me so quickly. Maybe it's a European thing.
The point is, I can't help but ask myself if I'm setting myself up again by telling myself Jack is different. Don't get me wrong, he is completely different from Simon, and I feel like he really does love me a lot. But I also thought Simon loved me a lot. It scares me, if I'm being honest. I'm much more invested in this relationship than I have been in any other, emotionally and even physically, so I have a lot more to lose. What if the same thing happens, Jack meets someone else that's a better fit? And I'm thrown aside again, just like last year? I can't help but be intimidated by some of the girls he talks about, worried that suddenly, maybe after a few weeks of not seeing me or during a time of argument, he'll change his mind about our relationship. Maybe the distance will become too much for him, maybe my nit-picking will finally reach its maximum, maybe he just won't be attracted to me anymore.
Or maybe because I'm so in love at this point, I'm starting to feel the anxiety and worry that comes with it. The stuff you never really hear about amidst the laughter and hand-holding and gift-giving, the in-between moments where a person comes to the realization that things are not and can never be permanent. The cynical, realistic side to giving yourself over completely to another human being. The times when the only thing helping you to maintain a semblance of sanity is the hope that the two of you will either grow together or apart, simultaneously, and let everything fall as it may.