"this poison's my intoxication, i broke the needle off in my skin"
"another night i should have just stayed home alone sulking in the fact that i am alone, there is no one here for me, there never will be, and yes...that is the end".
CHAPTER 1
MAYBE IT'S THE WAY I ENVY HIS HAIR...
ive never felt so numb, maybe it was the alcohol coming in adequate amounts flowing uncontrollable like the nile through the house, or maybe i just wasnt suppose to be here. everyone was having a good time, some not so good leaning against trees while spilling their guts...literally onto the ground from too much "fun". another drink made me forget the fact that i hated him, or her, and didnt care about the fact that he was a dick to me, and she was another slut that would be with a new guy tonight, not me though...every guy but me. that's how it always was though. i lit a ciggarette and tried to focus but reality was only a thread on the verge of breaking if i downed another bottle. "hey a$$hole, dont smoke in here...". i put it out on the carpet, and simply closed my eyes, blind to the thought that i was actually being such an a$$hole. also to drown out the threats and insults that pursued my action.
CHAPTER 2
SPITTING GAME THROUGH BROKEN SENTENCES AND SHORT-TERM MEMORY
"i should just leave" i kept telling myself, i loathed so many people here, as well as myself, and then remembered i was too inebriated to drive. "damn". so i sat down and simply opened another drink to self-medicate. "i really should be alone, at home, laying in my bed watching my life slowly drift by above me" i told her. oh yeah, her, she caught my eye, i dont know her, and probably wont remember her name by the end of tonight even if we did sneak away at some point. funny how when youre so far gone, everything is glazed over, you dont care the fact that youve been trying to smoke an unlit ciggarette for the past hour, and that only one thing focuses now and then while everything else drifts into careless oblivion. well that was her, my one focus, my outlet, the only thing that made me think, this party may have a heart somewhere in the emptiness i found it to be. "where have you been all my life"..."dammit" too late to take that back i told myself, but she just laughed realizing the extent of my intoxication. the lack of feeling i felt at the moment in my arms, legs, and face were about equal to that of myself for her. "i just want to be alone, in my room, thinking about how i lost my last relationship" i thought to myself. talking to myself, the only action i could perform somewhat sober. as much as i loved it, i hated being this way. i could say whatever i wanted and blame it on the alcohol. "hey, you, yeah, youre a skank, but i love you" i could slur out and it would be laughed off. i loved the way i could just use "love" without a care and everyone would reply back with the same. "you too" knowing i wouldnt remember. and thus my problem.
CHAPTER 3
IF THERE WAS A WAY TO REGAIN MY COMPOSURE I'D LIKE TO KNOW
unable to walk, i crawled to the bedroom, and laid on the bed, hoping to stop the spinning, and make up for the hours of sleep i was losing. and there she was, my focus, my outlet, had followed me as if i had told her. had i told her to come in here? sh*t, i dont remember much, even 5 minutes ago. she could walk, clearly, only shakey, but she knew what she was doing, and "love", i loved the way i could just throw it out at her and pull her in. not that i had to. she smiled a guilty smile that only told me she just wished i could remember this by the morning and would call her the next day. "dont count on it, sweetheart, i wont remember this in 10 min." i told myself. "dont hold this against me if i forget". i swiftly said, "what's that you'd forget?" she shot back somewhat concerned i DID know what was going on. "i..." i passed out.
CHAPTER 4
WE'RE GONNA DIE LIKE THIS YOU KNOW...
"this isnt my room, these arent my sheets, this is not my bed" i screamed at myself, silently and turned over, there she was, the slut, that would be with anyone willing, or unwilling. "whoa whoa whoa" please tell me we didnt" i shouted at her. a smirk, of satisfaction slapped me in the face. "omg, no no no, i should have just stayed home, this is why i dont do this" now i was a part of her, no matter how much i wanted to hate her, and though she didnt care, she had a part of me, she'd take and run carelessly with off into the world. "and im alone again, drenched in sweat, alcohol, and apathy". i smiled through a hangover, at reality that sings the incessant melody "i am alone, there is no one here for me, never will be, and yes...that is the end...until friday comes again and i kiss a bottle to blur the lines between love and hate."
CHAPTER 1
MAYBE IT'S THE WAY I ENVY HIS HAIR...
ive never felt so numb, maybe it was the alcohol coming in adequate amounts flowing uncontrollable like the nile through the house, or maybe i just wasnt suppose to be here. everyone was having a good time, some not so good leaning against trees while spilling their guts...literally onto the ground from too much "fun". another drink made me forget the fact that i hated him, or her, and didnt care about the fact that he was a dick to me, and she was another slut that would be with a new guy tonight, not me though...every guy but me. that's how it always was though. i lit a ciggarette and tried to focus but reality was only a thread on the verge of breaking if i downed another bottle. "hey a$$hole, dont smoke in here...". i put it out on the carpet, and simply closed my eyes, blind to the thought that i was actually being such an a$$hole. also to drown out the threats and insults that pursued my action.
CHAPTER 2
SPITTING GAME THROUGH BROKEN SENTENCES AND SHORT-TERM MEMORY
"i should just leave" i kept telling myself, i loathed so many people here, as well as myself, and then remembered i was too inebriated to drive. "damn". so i sat down and simply opened another drink to self-medicate. "i really should be alone, at home, laying in my bed watching my life slowly drift by above me" i told her. oh yeah, her, she caught my eye, i dont know her, and probably wont remember her name by the end of tonight even if we did sneak away at some point. funny how when youre so far gone, everything is glazed over, you dont care the fact that youve been trying to smoke an unlit ciggarette for the past hour, and that only one thing focuses now and then while everything else drifts into careless oblivion. well that was her, my one focus, my outlet, the only thing that made me think, this party may have a heart somewhere in the emptiness i found it to be. "where have you been all my life"..."dammit" too late to take that back i told myself, but she just laughed realizing the extent of my intoxication. the lack of feeling i felt at the moment in my arms, legs, and face were about equal to that of myself for her. "i just want to be alone, in my room, thinking about how i lost my last relationship" i thought to myself. talking to myself, the only action i could perform somewhat sober. as much as i loved it, i hated being this way. i could say whatever i wanted and blame it on the alcohol. "hey, you, yeah, youre a skank, but i love you" i could slur out and it would be laughed off. i loved the way i could just use "love" without a care and everyone would reply back with the same. "you too" knowing i wouldnt remember. and thus my problem.
CHAPTER 3
IF THERE WAS A WAY TO REGAIN MY COMPOSURE I'D LIKE TO KNOW
unable to walk, i crawled to the bedroom, and laid on the bed, hoping to stop the spinning, and make up for the hours of sleep i was losing. and there she was, my focus, my outlet, had followed me as if i had told her. had i told her to come in here? sh*t, i dont remember much, even 5 minutes ago. she could walk, clearly, only shakey, but she knew what she was doing, and "love", i loved the way i could just throw it out at her and pull her in. not that i had to. she smiled a guilty smile that only told me she just wished i could remember this by the morning and would call her the next day. "dont count on it, sweetheart, i wont remember this in 10 min." i told myself. "dont hold this against me if i forget". i swiftly said, "what's that you'd forget?" she shot back somewhat concerned i DID know what was going on. "i..." i passed out.
CHAPTER 4
WE'RE GONNA DIE LIKE THIS YOU KNOW...
"this isnt my room, these arent my sheets, this is not my bed" i screamed at myself, silently and turned over, there she was, the slut, that would be with anyone willing, or unwilling. "whoa whoa whoa" please tell me we didnt" i shouted at her. a smirk, of satisfaction slapped me in the face. "omg, no no no, i should have just stayed home, this is why i dont do this" now i was a part of her, no matter how much i wanted to hate her, and though she didnt care, she had a part of me, she'd take and run carelessly with off into the world. "and im alone again, drenched in sweat, alcohol, and apathy". i smiled through a hangover, at reality that sings the incessant melody "i am alone, there is no one here for me, never will be, and yes...that is the end...until friday comes again and i kiss a bottle to blur the lines between love and hate."