yester-years
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
11:15 pm giving up on you giving up on me
i hung out with caline. she was a mess. for the first time. i saw colors flow in and out of each other like waves. and saw my world expand and contract into a beautiful wonderous courtyard. i could look back at how enchanted it all was. and realized how pain depression and sadness are completely unnecessary in one's day. i loved everything and found a tree to climb into and out of. and basked in the sun with nothing to do, knowing that there is tons to do, but in time. a day is just a day and time just keeps going. it keeps going.
and when it came to kenny, i saw him on a bench reading as i stared at him from so far away. and when i came to him and stopped to read the words on the cover of his books, he turned around and away. i couldn't just stay there, i just kept going because eric was waiting. but it was him. and when we walked away i had found "kenny" coming to where we sat and ... did he pick up the bottle we were drinking? i don't know. but he came and went. so far away.
i can't do it anymore. i realized. i've waited all this time, because he was worth the wait. i thought he was. but the last night he wouldn't even hold me.
i'm not worth the wait. and then someone told me that they could be with me and still do music, then what does that mean when kenny won't.
i suppose i'm done. i was worried about moving on, and hurting him, because in truth i just wanted to be with him.
tomorrow he will be on a cruise. i feel like he will find someone. good for him.
i wrote a song and finished it today. i find that i like the guitar solo more than the singing, just because i don't like my voice. and the solos always seem to better express what i'm trying to say or what it is that i feel. if one were to really hear. like when lisa noticed how he played the guitar like a woman screaming, and a man yelling back...like that.
i just want to take care of myself. that's it. i know i'm going to die someday. i know everything fades. i still think there's things to feel happy about. depression will still hit. but it's okay to be me. and it's okay to leave.
Current Music: son of sam-elliott smith
11:15 pm giving up on you giving up on me
i hung out with caline. she was a mess. for the first time. i saw colors flow in and out of each other like waves. and saw my world expand and contract into a beautiful wonderous courtyard. i could look back at how enchanted it all was. and realized how pain depression and sadness are completely unnecessary in one's day. i loved everything and found a tree to climb into and out of. and basked in the sun with nothing to do, knowing that there is tons to do, but in time. a day is just a day and time just keeps going. it keeps going.
and when it came to kenny, i saw him on a bench reading as i stared at him from so far away. and when i came to him and stopped to read the words on the cover of his books, he turned around and away. i couldn't just stay there, i just kept going because eric was waiting. but it was him. and when we walked away i had found "kenny" coming to where we sat and ... did he pick up the bottle we were drinking? i don't know. but he came and went. so far away.
i can't do it anymore. i realized. i've waited all this time, because he was worth the wait. i thought he was. but the last night he wouldn't even hold me.
i'm not worth the wait. and then someone told me that they could be with me and still do music, then what does that mean when kenny won't.
i suppose i'm done. i was worried about moving on, and hurting him, because in truth i just wanted to be with him.
tomorrow he will be on a cruise. i feel like he will find someone. good for him.
i wrote a song and finished it today. i find that i like the guitar solo more than the singing, just because i don't like my voice. and the solos always seem to better express what i'm trying to say or what it is that i feel. if one were to really hear. like when lisa noticed how he played the guitar like a woman screaming, and a man yelling back...like that.
i just want to take care of myself. that's it. i know i'm going to die someday. i know everything fades. i still think there's things to feel happy about. depression will still hit. but it's okay to be me. and it's okay to leave.
Current Music: son of sam-elliott smith