(no subject)
I ended up writing the following diatribe on the forums earlier today in a thread about being in your early-20's and feeling like your life is directionless. It really hit home with me and the post I ended up writing sounded very whiny and pathetic, so I figured it was the perfect thing to stick on a livejournal:
"I should graduate (given I dont fail anymore) community college after this fall semester, making it almost a perfect 4 years since I first began in January of '05. I graduated high school in 2003. College seems so easy for all my peers but I have incredible difficulty because I am a horrible student. I have horrible apathy towards attending class because of how pointless I feel all of the individual classes are. One of the reasons I decided to start going to community college is because I felt like I couldnt work shitty service/min. wage jobs forever, and I figured it might be a nice place to find some sort of direction or at least work towards a degree that would enable me to work a shit job that at least pays nicely--in this regard it has been an abysmal failure.
But I am hitting that age where my friends from high school are starting to come back from college and get grown-up peoples jobs and move out of their parents house, and it is unbearably humiliating. I'm a well-enough liked fellow, but I have no marketable skills whatsoever and I feel like I'm heading for that horrible cariacture of "That guy you went to high school with who failed miserably" where I'm still working shitty service jobs and living in my moms basement at 25/30/40/etc.
Honestly, id be as happy as a pig in shit to be making 10-15 an hour for 40 hours a week at some shitty office job, but I wouldnt even have any idea of how to get a job like that. I somehow feel as if my associate's in liberal arts that took me 4 years to get will offer little comfort to my career prospects, and that much to my chargin--I will end up as the guy delivering pizza at 30 still."
As I said, I feel like it came off as very whiny and all but it is a great point ive made here to myself--I do need to do something with my life and every time I try to mise a way to do this I come up empty-handed. I used to be so ambitious, and a huge (if tremendously douchey) idealist, and I feel like that part of me has completely melted; a horrid puddle that I look at increasingly often and remark "Man, that used to be such a cool snowman." Nowadays I just convince myself that I have to buckle down and graduate my awful fake college for the simple comfort that the 4 years ive wasted won't be just that, a waste. But, after that, what is there? Find a better job than I have now with my associates in liberal arts? really? I honestly do hope that this is possible, but I don't know the first thing about finding real-people jobs and I seem to be growing increasingly pessimistic about it--I realise now that the death of my ambition was realising that I can do nothing of real significance, and the rape of its corpse came from the realisation that I can't even do anything of note.
I apologize for the whiny E/N entry in a box that I usually try to make funny or interesting. It's a difficult sentiment to shake.
"I should graduate (given I dont fail anymore) community college after this fall semester, making it almost a perfect 4 years since I first began in January of '05. I graduated high school in 2003. College seems so easy for all my peers but I have incredible difficulty because I am a horrible student. I have horrible apathy towards attending class because of how pointless I feel all of the individual classes are. One of the reasons I decided to start going to community college is because I felt like I couldnt work shitty service/min. wage jobs forever, and I figured it might be a nice place to find some sort of direction or at least work towards a degree that would enable me to work a shit job that at least pays nicely--in this regard it has been an abysmal failure.
But I am hitting that age where my friends from high school are starting to come back from college and get grown-up peoples jobs and move out of their parents house, and it is unbearably humiliating. I'm a well-enough liked fellow, but I have no marketable skills whatsoever and I feel like I'm heading for that horrible cariacture of "That guy you went to high school with who failed miserably" where I'm still working shitty service jobs and living in my moms basement at 25/30/40/etc.
Honestly, id be as happy as a pig in shit to be making 10-15 an hour for 40 hours a week at some shitty office job, but I wouldnt even have any idea of how to get a job like that. I somehow feel as if my associate's in liberal arts that took me 4 years to get will offer little comfort to my career prospects, and that much to my chargin--I will end up as the guy delivering pizza at 30 still."
As I said, I feel like it came off as very whiny and all but it is a great point ive made here to myself--I do need to do something with my life and every time I try to mise a way to do this I come up empty-handed. I used to be so ambitious, and a huge (if tremendously douchey) idealist, and I feel like that part of me has completely melted; a horrid puddle that I look at increasingly often and remark "Man, that used to be such a cool snowman." Nowadays I just convince myself that I have to buckle down and graduate my awful fake college for the simple comfort that the 4 years ive wasted won't be just that, a waste. But, after that, what is there? Find a better job than I have now with my associates in liberal arts? really? I honestly do hope that this is possible, but I don't know the first thing about finding real-people jobs and I seem to be growing increasingly pessimistic about it--I realise now that the death of my ambition was realising that I can do nothing of real significance, and the rape of its corpse came from the realisation that I can't even do anything of note.
I apologize for the whiny E/N entry in a box that I usually try to make funny or interesting. It's a difficult sentiment to shake.