(no subject)
I miss my grandmother.
Last night after work, Will and I went to Walmart to get new pillows, and a couple other things, and swung through the McDonald's drive-thru because I was starving. We got home and dumped everything we bought on the floor and collapsed into bed (well, I collapsed into bed, exhausted, but Will casually sat down, because he hasn't been working 18 hours a day and sleeping only 4 or 5). I made a pitiful attempt to actually eat my chicken nuggets (I was too tired to even eat, really), and I happened to glance towards the vanity that used to be my grandmother's, at the picture of my grandparents together, taken years ago when they were on vacation on a little tourboat in the 1000 Islands.
I then proceeded to burst into tears.
I don't know why. I was sitting in bed, eating McDonald's, tired as hell, and suddenly I got all emotional. Possibly because I was piss ass tired. Possibly because the bed I sleep on was bought for her, for when my grandparents moved into the retirement home. She slept in it less than a week before she fell and was taken to the hospital, and from the hospital to the hospice, and from the hospice to the funeral home. From the funeral home to the cemetary... Possibly because the antique cherrywood vanity, with the arched mirror and the matching bench used to be hers, too, and now it's mine. Possibly because just last night at work I was getting lectured for being too damn nice, by Stacy and Rhonda and Charles and Cindy, and people used to say the same thing about my grandmother. The church was full the day of her memorial service, with people standing in the back. And there would've been more, too, except that the service had had to be postponed a day due to bad weather and some people couldn't make it! My grandmother was loved by so many people, because she was such a good person, and I want to be like that. She made a difference, however big or small, in the lives of every person there that day, and in more people who couldn't be there. I'm a good person, or I try to be, just as she was. Don't lecture me and tell me people walk all over me. I know that. I know when I'm being taken advantage of, and yes, most of the time I just let it happen. So I sacrifice some time here, some energy there. If I know it's for a good reason, I will help until my arms and legs fall off. So sue me.
I don't know. I just miss her... and thinking that my grandfather's health is starting to fail, too... he can barely even walk anymroe. He's always using his little powerchair thing, and even if he's going from his recliner to the bathroom 5 feet away, he relies heavily on the walker, and is always out of breath at the end of his short trek. And as much as I loved my grandmother, I'm even closer to my grandfather. I always was.
I know he won't live forever. I'm not stupid. That doesn't mean I have to like the idea of it. And I certainly am not welcoming it with open arms. And I know how dumb I must sound, but I don't care, this journal is for me and my own personal sanity, I don't write in it to impress anyone. I just needed to vent about the unfairness of death and the untimely manner of my emotions. And I have. So I'll stop now.