im miserable
jeez, life stinks. I know i say that a lot, but with me it's completely true. Im a junior in high school, arent these supposed to be the best years of my life? and yet they seem to be the worst. Unlike many of those who surround me , i have no prospects. I have no boyfriend/possibility of one, im not as smart as people seem to think, and worst of all i have no social life. Although many may dispute the last one, it's true. I no longer have "best friends" all of a sudden everyone turned into an acquaintance. I dont talk to anyone about anything that's on my mind for fear of being judged, i cant confide in those who i thought were the closest to me. And yet, no on sees this. It's partly my fault because i put on my happy face mask everyday at school, when inside my heart is screaming "HELP ME! TALK TO ME PLEASE! BE MY FRIEND!". maybe writing this is a cry for help.....but whatever it is, i hope it will go unread, but even if it does i know what will happen, one of two scenarios: 1. no one will do anything and i will go on being miserable (this is what usually happens) 2. everyone will think im being a drama queen and then things will go back to me being miserable. It's a catch 22. i cant go on like this, somethings gotta give, but what i hate most about this is that im helpless. I try with all my might to be happy, to change this viscious circle of loser-dom, but i cant.
im not who i was before. im no longer the girl people called to have fun with, now im the girl people call if they need the math homework. what changed?! why am i like this? i wish i could be charming. i wish i could be like my friends are, who can be friends with almost anyone instantly, and who always have somewhere fabulous and fun to go to. Instead, i sit home and wonder what they are doing, and wish i could be there. According to my calendar, the last time i went out and did something fun was a little over 2 months. my friends say they cant stay in their house for more than a day and a half, imagine what my life is like.
i cant do this anymore, i hate being blown off constantly by everyone. i feel invisible 24 hours a day. sure people talk to me, but because they have to, or at least that's how i feel. im starting to think that Rachel had the right idea, maybe her friends now dont make the smartest choices or are the nicest/best people, but at least they care about her and want her around. But where can i run to? no where, i ran sophomore year, and look at where it's gotten me? im back at square one. so what do i do? which out-weighs the other: being blown off or being a miserable loser? and im tired of trying, im finished with trying to be seen.
im sorry if you actually read this, i know right now you think im exaggerating and being totally irrational, but please just try being me, and maybe you'll see what i mean.
im not who i was before. im no longer the girl people called to have fun with, now im the girl people call if they need the math homework. what changed?! why am i like this? i wish i could be charming. i wish i could be like my friends are, who can be friends with almost anyone instantly, and who always have somewhere fabulous and fun to go to. Instead, i sit home and wonder what they are doing, and wish i could be there. According to my calendar, the last time i went out and did something fun was a little over 2 months. my friends say they cant stay in their house for more than a day and a half, imagine what my life is like.
i cant do this anymore, i hate being blown off constantly by everyone. i feel invisible 24 hours a day. sure people talk to me, but because they have to, or at least that's how i feel. im starting to think that Rachel had the right idea, maybe her friends now dont make the smartest choices or are the nicest/best people, but at least they care about her and want her around. But where can i run to? no where, i ran sophomore year, and look at where it's gotten me? im back at square one. so what do i do? which out-weighs the other: being blown off or being a miserable loser? and im tired of trying, im finished with trying to be seen.
im sorry if you actually read this, i know right now you think im exaggerating and being totally irrational, but please just try being me, and maybe you'll see what i mean.