(no subject)
I feel like it should have rained today. My day has seen nothing but storm clouds, thunder and lightning but no rain. I'm so angry, I have so much rage, so much violence welling up in me. Most of it I have no other person to direct it at than myself. I know that my problems are my own by my own devising and that I should not fault others on my behalf. If I wasn't so busy devoting myself to her I would be over her by now but I can't let go of the past. She is still so dear to me. I still find myself hoping that she will say she wants me back, that she loves me more than ever, but i just get constant reminders she is no longer interested in me the least. I can tell she doesn't want me anymore, i think even my hugs she finds repulsive never lingering anywhere near me. She's constantly telling me about some girl that she thinks i would make a good couple with. She doesn't understand the fact the only couple i want to be part of is one where she is involved. She doesn't know how much i miss her, and i miss her more every day. What makes it worth is my suspicion that she has already moved on and begun a relationship with another person.
I cannot hold her anymore than i can grip water and its rearing me apart. Its all I can do each day to put a smile on my face each day as I walk through the door. I choose my attitude for just as long as I need to while I'm at work for orientation or alumni, or in the company of friends. But when i withdraw back into my recluse for the evening or any span of time really it is plain to see how clearly and utterly empty I am. No emotions but grief, regret and despair surround me. I'm afraid to call her because she might think I am spying on her or pressuring her or whatever else. I don't tell her how I feel because I know it would only drive her further and though I know others think it would be better if I did distance myself I know I am too weak and still too much in love to even attempt something like that. I love her far too much still, and not having her leaves a hole in my heart that has no bottom.
I envy so much those people that have someone to care for and gets those feelings back. I hate being so weak. I hate not being able to anything to resurrect my life, I am so dead inside. The only way I feel there is to set things right is to be wither her again but i doubt it will happen. I know that if she was gone from my life completely i would still dwell on her, I would wonder if she is with someone else when i see her around campus. My gaze would be drawn to her at every football game. I feel so incomplete without her. Well enough depression for now hopefully I will be better later.
Oh look, its started raining.
I cannot hold her anymore than i can grip water and its rearing me apart. Its all I can do each day to put a smile on my face each day as I walk through the door. I choose my attitude for just as long as I need to while I'm at work for orientation or alumni, or in the company of friends. But when i withdraw back into my recluse for the evening or any span of time really it is plain to see how clearly and utterly empty I am. No emotions but grief, regret and despair surround me. I'm afraid to call her because she might think I am spying on her or pressuring her or whatever else. I don't tell her how I feel because I know it would only drive her further and though I know others think it would be better if I did distance myself I know I am too weak and still too much in love to even attempt something like that. I love her far too much still, and not having her leaves a hole in my heart that has no bottom.
I envy so much those people that have someone to care for and gets those feelings back. I hate being so weak. I hate not being able to anything to resurrect my life, I am so dead inside. The only way I feel there is to set things right is to be wither her again but i doubt it will happen. I know that if she was gone from my life completely i would still dwell on her, I would wonder if she is with someone else when i see her around campus. My gaze would be drawn to her at every football game. I feel so incomplete without her. Well enough depression for now hopefully I will be better later.
Oh look, its started raining.