And Then You Grow Up....
Have you ever had those moments when you realize that everything you were is in the past, and yet it has brought you to this incredibly different place of maturity?
I was thinking tonight, as I was thinking about my friends, what kinds of things we do when we get together, and who I am as a person.
And boy, have things changed.
It's amazing, really. I started out as the girl in the background. Quiet and reserved. Not really wanting to rock the boat, and, by default, not really forming opinions either way on, well, anything. I was everyone's friend, and no one's at the same time. I dreamed of bigger things I was afraid of reaching out for because if I did, and people said 'no', then I would just be hurt.
And then, enter shift #1: I started to become a little bit involved. You never know til you try, right? I knew what I wanted, but still just HOPED it would happen. I was easy going, but not in the way you would think. Easy-going in the I'm-gonna-let-you-walk-all-over-me-cause-then-maybe-you-will-like-me sort of way. Not so good. There wasn't much going on inside.
Here comes another. What spurs this one? I learn to love. I fall in love. I am consumed. Completely and irrevocably. But I'm not supported... not in the ways that I as a person NEEDED. Problem: I didn't know WHAT I needed. Awful. I was jealous because I didn't believe people could be trusted... after all, they had always let me down in the past. I couldn't be ok with things I couldn't control. Sure I MEANT well, I was trying to let all this love and passion OUT. But what came out was crazy. I was a walking mess of school and jumbled emotions. That's it. The end. No more.
But now? Oh man. I had a moment... or many moments... when I realized just WHAT has happened. Every shitty thing that has happened, every wonderful thing, every thing I couldn't for the life of me figure out has made me.... well... strong. I have come through enough to know that I can do almost anything. Nothing is accomplished by sitting life out. And there is no sense worrying over what you can change. You can't control other people, not even a little. All you can do is know the situation you are in, and decide what YOU are going to do about it. I've started to do things for myself, and BELIEVE that I can do it not because I have to, but because I can. I'm no longer the crazy jealous person. I genuinely want people to be happy... not because I think it will get me somewhere, or because I want it in return, but because I LOVE them.
I wish I could pinpoint these shifts. Categorize them. Analyze them. Hell, even put them into a nice little SWOT analysis matrix of some sort. But you can't. They happen, and it could take you days, months, or YEARS to realize that were you thought you were standing is only a distant memory.
But in the end, maybe it isn't really about when you recognize that you've grown-up, but that it happened, and you realized it, and you embraced it.
I was thinking tonight, as I was thinking about my friends, what kinds of things we do when we get together, and who I am as a person.
And boy, have things changed.
It's amazing, really. I started out as the girl in the background. Quiet and reserved. Not really wanting to rock the boat, and, by default, not really forming opinions either way on, well, anything. I was everyone's friend, and no one's at the same time. I dreamed of bigger things I was afraid of reaching out for because if I did, and people said 'no', then I would just be hurt.
And then, enter shift #1: I started to become a little bit involved. You never know til you try, right? I knew what I wanted, but still just HOPED it would happen. I was easy going, but not in the way you would think. Easy-going in the I'm-gonna-let-you-walk-all-over-me-cause-then-maybe-you-will-like-me sort of way. Not so good. There wasn't much going on inside.
Here comes another. What spurs this one? I learn to love. I fall in love. I am consumed. Completely and irrevocably. But I'm not supported... not in the ways that I as a person NEEDED. Problem: I didn't know WHAT I needed. Awful. I was jealous because I didn't believe people could be trusted... after all, they had always let me down in the past. I couldn't be ok with things I couldn't control. Sure I MEANT well, I was trying to let all this love and passion OUT. But what came out was crazy. I was a walking mess of school and jumbled emotions. That's it. The end. No more.
But now? Oh man. I had a moment... or many moments... when I realized just WHAT has happened. Every shitty thing that has happened, every wonderful thing, every thing I couldn't for the life of me figure out has made me.... well... strong. I have come through enough to know that I can do almost anything. Nothing is accomplished by sitting life out. And there is no sense worrying over what you can change. You can't control other people, not even a little. All you can do is know the situation you are in, and decide what YOU are going to do about it. I've started to do things for myself, and BELIEVE that I can do it not because I have to, but because I can. I'm no longer the crazy jealous person. I genuinely want people to be happy... not because I think it will get me somewhere, or because I want it in return, but because I LOVE them.
I wish I could pinpoint these shifts. Categorize them. Analyze them. Hell, even put them into a nice little SWOT analysis matrix of some sort. But you can't. They happen, and it could take you days, months, or YEARS to realize that were you thought you were standing is only a distant memory.
But in the end, maybe it isn't really about when you recognize that you've grown-up, but that it happened, and you realized it, and you embraced it.