Reflections and Venting
Last night, at about 2 am, I had some really great thoughts. Of course, I promptly drifted back to sleep and that was the end of that. I wonder if what I was thinking was as profound as I thought at the time or if it was only profound because I was half asleep. More than the likely the latter is true. Either way, I'm disappointed that I cannot remember them.
I was completely done with my finals this past Wednesday night and it has been a really great feeling to know that I've done a lot of work this semester and I can let my brain have a moment's rest now.
In fact, I feel that this is an excellent time to reflect on the year. A lot of heartache went into me leaving UNM, New Mexico and my family to come across the country to VanderCook. There is absolutely no way that anyone will ever be completely satisfied with every part of every school. UNM was disastrous for me for several reasons. The first, of course, was my clarinet professor and his lack of attendance in such a haphazard manner. The second was the fact that I was not really taking full advantage of my age and the fact that I was in college by not really being on my own as much as I could have. The third, and probably the most devastating, was the fact that I did not fit in and that I simply could not make friends.
My dad was upset with my choosing of schools because he thought I was going for the wrong reasons. My dad thought that I was moving across country for a boy. The fact that he thought that I would relocate my entire life for someone other than myself was absolutely the most insulting thing that has ever been said to me. I am a very independent person and over-think things and make very, very logical decisions. It takes me so long to make decisions because I explore every possible outcome. That does not mean that I don't sometimes make mistakes, but, for goodness sake, I would never make such a drastic turn with my life for anyone but myself. My dad also told me that I would not make friends here anymore than I made friends there. He said that whatever was stopping me from making friends there would continue to stop me from making friends here. When he and my mom visited me here in October, he was able to see how much I had grown and changed even in such a short period of time. He saw that I was in my element and he saw that I knew people at school and they knew me and that, eventually, I would have friends here. My dad and I had never really fought before that summer before I came to Chicago, but October, when he visited, was the turning point that caused our relationship to move off of the sharp rocks and onto some sinking sand instead. I guess that what hurt me most was the fact that my dad was so set in what he was saying to me and so set in his thoughts that he would not listen to me. He had no intention of listening to what I had to say to make my case to him about why I was leaving New Mexico. My dad and I have been doing just fine since October. He and my mom and sister flew out here for our Pops concert as a surprise to me. To me, that meant that they had gone from hating my decision to being supportive of it, and to me, that meant everything.
When I came to Chicago, I drove with Meat. I dropped him off in Champaign and I drove up to Chicago. I did not know the city; I did not know the area where I was living; I didn't know how to get to school; I hadn't seen my apartment; I didn't have a bed. I came to a brand new city all by myself and I worked everything out on my own. I found somewhere to get a bed; I explored the city on my own to find where to go for food and other necessary things; I moved everything in by myself; and I spent my first few nights in this apartment all by myself. I know that it may sound cliche or stupid, but I feel so good about myself for doing all those things on my own. I technically do not need anyone. I can do everything on my own. I came home for Thanksgiving and my mom even commented that she realized that I didn't need her anymore. Don't take what I'm saying the wrong way. I love my family and of course I need my family for love and support and their monetary help is always welcome. My point is that I now know that I can completely uproot myself and live somewhere unknown and gain my bearings successfully. That is quite an accomplishment.
Anyway, I somehow attracted the strangest people throughout my life and, although I knew it was probably unlikely, I was hoping that being somewhere new would rid me of this curse. However, I was wrong. This year has, once again, brought some of the strangest people and situations into my life. Just when I think I've seen and dealt with it all, something else comes up even more bizarre than the last. I guess it makes my life interesting and I am certainly able to give some great advice due to the happenings in my life. Over all, despite the strange happenings, my experience at VCM this year has been a positive one. I have met some really great people and I feel that I really do fit in. That is something that I never had at UNM. I feel like I can be myself and that's okay. I feel like I actually have made friends and that there are some people who really do care about me. That is hard to find and it is certainly cherished in my life.
Some really very crummy things happened to me this past week. I feel like there is absolutely no reason to go into detail about them here. I am going to continue to keep my positive outlook and say that these things will make me stronger. Deep down I know they will, but I really hate when stuff happens to me that brings me down. Let it be known though, I am no longer down from these. I have risen above and it is no longer affecting me. I do not want anyone to think that anything they've done is still bothering me because I do not give that much time to people and situations that actually do not really matter. Anyway, Meat came on Tuesday because he was leaving out of Midway on Wednesday morning. With everything being kind of sucky around here, it was so incredibly nice to have him here. I cried and cried and cried when he left Wednesday morning because he was the taste of home that I needed and I could have had him there for a full week to really make me feel better. I sometimes feel like he doesn't view me in quite the same way as I view him. He means so much to me and is such a big part of my life, but I feel like maybe he would be okay without me in his. That makes me sad. I just want a response when I tell him that I miss him or something along those lines. I guess it's the same situation as anything. I always seem to care about people more than they care about me. I just didn't realize that it was the same with Meat until now... I mean, it's my Meat. I just had no idea. I just need him in my life so much right now and I'm so worried that he doesn't want me in his.
Wow, I think this entry is long enough. I'm all alone in my apartment for the duration of this week and it's a little bit lonely. I really want to go home. I am so tired of Chicago, so tired of the Midwest, and so tired of the stupid people. For anyone who has some time, you know how to reach me.
Much love.
I was completely done with my finals this past Wednesday night and it has been a really great feeling to know that I've done a lot of work this semester and I can let my brain have a moment's rest now.
In fact, I feel that this is an excellent time to reflect on the year. A lot of heartache went into me leaving UNM, New Mexico and my family to come across the country to VanderCook. There is absolutely no way that anyone will ever be completely satisfied with every part of every school. UNM was disastrous for me for several reasons. The first, of course, was my clarinet professor and his lack of attendance in such a haphazard manner. The second was the fact that I was not really taking full advantage of my age and the fact that I was in college by not really being on my own as much as I could have. The third, and probably the most devastating, was the fact that I did not fit in and that I simply could not make friends.
My dad was upset with my choosing of schools because he thought I was going for the wrong reasons. My dad thought that I was moving across country for a boy. The fact that he thought that I would relocate my entire life for someone other than myself was absolutely the most insulting thing that has ever been said to me. I am a very independent person and over-think things and make very, very logical decisions. It takes me so long to make decisions because I explore every possible outcome. That does not mean that I don't sometimes make mistakes, but, for goodness sake, I would never make such a drastic turn with my life for anyone but myself. My dad also told me that I would not make friends here anymore than I made friends there. He said that whatever was stopping me from making friends there would continue to stop me from making friends here. When he and my mom visited me here in October, he was able to see how much I had grown and changed even in such a short period of time. He saw that I was in my element and he saw that I knew people at school and they knew me and that, eventually, I would have friends here. My dad and I had never really fought before that summer before I came to Chicago, but October, when he visited, was the turning point that caused our relationship to move off of the sharp rocks and onto some sinking sand instead. I guess that what hurt me most was the fact that my dad was so set in what he was saying to me and so set in his thoughts that he would not listen to me. He had no intention of listening to what I had to say to make my case to him about why I was leaving New Mexico. My dad and I have been doing just fine since October. He and my mom and sister flew out here for our Pops concert as a surprise to me. To me, that meant that they had gone from hating my decision to being supportive of it, and to me, that meant everything.
When I came to Chicago, I drove with Meat. I dropped him off in Champaign and I drove up to Chicago. I did not know the city; I did not know the area where I was living; I didn't know how to get to school; I hadn't seen my apartment; I didn't have a bed. I came to a brand new city all by myself and I worked everything out on my own. I found somewhere to get a bed; I explored the city on my own to find where to go for food and other necessary things; I moved everything in by myself; and I spent my first few nights in this apartment all by myself. I know that it may sound cliche or stupid, but I feel so good about myself for doing all those things on my own. I technically do not need anyone. I can do everything on my own. I came home for Thanksgiving and my mom even commented that she realized that I didn't need her anymore. Don't take what I'm saying the wrong way. I love my family and of course I need my family for love and support and their monetary help is always welcome. My point is that I now know that I can completely uproot myself and live somewhere unknown and gain my bearings successfully. That is quite an accomplishment.
Anyway, I somehow attracted the strangest people throughout my life and, although I knew it was probably unlikely, I was hoping that being somewhere new would rid me of this curse. However, I was wrong. This year has, once again, brought some of the strangest people and situations into my life. Just when I think I've seen and dealt with it all, something else comes up even more bizarre than the last. I guess it makes my life interesting and I am certainly able to give some great advice due to the happenings in my life. Over all, despite the strange happenings, my experience at VCM this year has been a positive one. I have met some really great people and I feel that I really do fit in. That is something that I never had at UNM. I feel like I can be myself and that's okay. I feel like I actually have made friends and that there are some people who really do care about me. That is hard to find and it is certainly cherished in my life.
Some really very crummy things happened to me this past week. I feel like there is absolutely no reason to go into detail about them here. I am going to continue to keep my positive outlook and say that these things will make me stronger. Deep down I know they will, but I really hate when stuff happens to me that brings me down. Let it be known though, I am no longer down from these. I have risen above and it is no longer affecting me. I do not want anyone to think that anything they've done is still bothering me because I do not give that much time to people and situations that actually do not really matter. Anyway, Meat came on Tuesday because he was leaving out of Midway on Wednesday morning. With everything being kind of sucky around here, it was so incredibly nice to have him here. I cried and cried and cried when he left Wednesday morning because he was the taste of home that I needed and I could have had him there for a full week to really make me feel better. I sometimes feel like he doesn't view me in quite the same way as I view him. He means so much to me and is such a big part of my life, but I feel like maybe he would be okay without me in his. That makes me sad. I just want a response when I tell him that I miss him or something along those lines. I guess it's the same situation as anything. I always seem to care about people more than they care about me. I just didn't realize that it was the same with Meat until now... I mean, it's my Meat. I just had no idea. I just need him in my life so much right now and I'm so worried that he doesn't want me in his.
Wow, I think this entry is long enough. I'm all alone in my apartment for the duration of this week and it's a little bit lonely. I really want to go home. I am so tired of Chicago, so tired of the Midwest, and so tired of the stupid people. For anyone who has some time, you know how to reach me.
Much love.