One More Time
I'm sneaking away from my job to update. It seems to help. In my mind I see visions of a savior hovering over me, moved by my plight. His robes are like clouds with lightning flashing in them. It moves as if it has life within itself. The more I look at myself, the more I realize I need him to help me. To do that is to let go completely and trust him completely. I must admit that is hard, especially with those things that bother me so much. But I have to-- it's the only way. The longer I put it off, the more distraught I become because nothing makes sense, and I become utterly confused. I realize regretfully, I don't trust God with all areas of my life. Ironically, I believe if I'm in control there is still hope. I literally fear God's answers to my questions. I fear he either won't answer it, or give me an answer that will disappoint me, and then tell me to deal with it. Or if he doesn't answer, it's because he knows the truth would hurt? Why is it so hard for me to let things be, especially those things that I can't change? Why is it so hard for me to let my self be human?
Yesterday my girlfriend tried to give me a massage. It hurt like I don't know what, and it had nothing to do with her level of skill. In fact another girl who tried to give me a deep massage had me squirming in pain. It's because my muscles are tense and knotted. They've been that way as long as I remember, and the cure for it (massages)have always been excruciatingly painful.
I have had a tendency especially in the past to keep things bottled up inside. I find myself falling back into that habit. Those I've consulted concerning my issues, except for an esteemed few, seem to be mildly paranoid by my inability to deal with my current plight in an expeditious manner. The phone calls stopped, the concern seem to ebb away. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold it against them, and I am thoroughly thankful for their time, I just learned a valuable lesson that for some reason or the other I had forgotten. With that said, much respect to my main man, Joe, and my main girl, Dee, whose concern never wavered.
Yesterday my girlfriend tried to give me a massage. It hurt like I don't know what, and it had nothing to do with her level of skill. In fact another girl who tried to give me a deep massage had me squirming in pain. It's because my muscles are tense and knotted. They've been that way as long as I remember, and the cure for it (massages)have always been excruciatingly painful.
I have had a tendency especially in the past to keep things bottled up inside. I find myself falling back into that habit. Those I've consulted concerning my issues, except for an esteemed few, seem to be mildly paranoid by my inability to deal with my current plight in an expeditious manner. The phone calls stopped, the concern seem to ebb away. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold it against them, and I am thoroughly thankful for their time, I just learned a valuable lesson that for some reason or the other I had forgotten. With that said, much respect to my main man, Joe, and my main girl, Dee, whose concern never wavered.